Today I got to see Georgia or rather Georgia's body. As they opened the door to the room I practically ran to her. She looked so beautful wrapped in the blanket Grandma had made laid in her pretty pink bed. I started by touching her hands and then slowly looking her over. I took off her socks to stare at her toes and lifted up her shirt. I even undid her diaper just to assure myself that she was as I had left her. Before I knew it I had picked her up and was holding her in my arms. Yous see, the one thing that I have come to realize is that I miss the weight of her in my arms and against my body. I can look at pictures and see her beautiful face and bright eyes. I can watch videos and hear her laugh. I can even put her blanket to my face and smell her but I can't feel her weight. Had I been but a silent witness to this scene I would have been on the phone demanding a psychiatrist. Instead I found myself in a chair holding my beautiful baby girl unable to move.
Eventually I did put her back however and carried on with my day. This included a trip to the mall where I started to cry in the jewelry store because the sales clerk just did not understand why I needed two of the exact same lockets and they had to be the ones with angels on them. As I walked around the mall I kept my eyes wide open ready to turn my back or duck into a store should I see someone I knew. Welcome to Crazyland folks! This is now my place of residence.
Just to assure you that I am not completely out to lunch I did make it back to the mall later to finish my shopping without the girls. I managed to buy everything on my list including a pair of nylons and a bathing suit without any type of breakdown. I am positive that this is a sign that I'll make it through. Buying a bathing suit is always a crazy experience never mind the fact that I did it at WALMART!! : )
I also bought a pink dress coat for Monday. I didn't have a coat to wear over my dress and I am not a huge fan of black so I bought pink. For any of you who don't like mourning colors and are attending on Monday consider pink. I think that it is totally appropriate to say good bye to a little girl and it might even make us smile.
Love to you all,
PS Thank you Victor and Edna, the lilies are incredible and I can smell them from any room in the house!
8 Years an Angel
2 weeks ago