We would wait 11 days for the results and those 11 days were some of the darkest of my life. While, I had never really been nervous about the test, the results terrified me. How would we handle another child with SMA? What would that do to the girls? What would that do to us,.. our parents,.. our friendships? Would we try to move down to the States? Would we sell our house? What would that do to the girls?
The questions and uncertainties were without end, and for 11 days my world was dark. It didn't help that it was November. November just happens to be dark and gloomy with the first snow storms always threatening. My mother's instinct told me that the baby was fine and over the years I have learned to trust that instinct but, SMA is HUGE! It had come into my life once and shattered my world. The pieces hadn't even been put back together and I was afraid that it would be shattered again. I was afraid that if it did happen again I wouldn't be able to put any of the pieces back together. This time the grief would not only swallow me whole but leave me in a pit of despair that I would never again climb out from.
It didn't help that almost nobody knew. I didn't want to answer questions when I wasn't prepared to answer them. I didn't want to have to look Calla and Maya in the eyes and say, "I don't know." It was all still too fresh. I'm sure some people thought to themselves that we should have waited. Georgia hadn't been gone very long after all. I'm sure others thought that we should just have counted our blessings - two healthy kids. And others probably thought that we had no business getting pregnant when we knew that there was a possibility that we could bring another child with SMA into the world. How cruel and selfish! Thank you to all of you that may have thought any one of these things and kept them to yourself. I was not ready to hear them last November.
During those dark days I kept reminding myself why we chose to have another child. If we truly believed that Georgia was a gift and her life was full of meaning then why wouldn't we want to have another child, with or without SMA? Why wouldn't we want to try one more time so that Maya could practice being a big sister in her every day life? If we truly believed that the only way to live is to push out the fear and embrace love then we had to try at least one more time.
Don't get me wrong. As I said, I was terrified as I waited for those results. At times the darkness was almost unbearable but in the end we had our answer. Aria Evangeline would be born without SMA. They say that it's always darkest just before dawn and sure enough the dark days would come to an end. Just like that my world changed yet again.
Love to you all,