Reading

So, I have this book. It's actually quite a good book, thank you Emma! It's written in point form with no more than 2-3 small paragraphs on a page. This is perfect for a grieving parent because sometimes a paragraph is all that I am able to grasp before I have moved on to other thoughts. In this book, it says a parent should move toward their grief. I get the concept but I am starting to wonder if the author has any idea what s/he is talking about. How does one walk towards something that comes at you from all angles? How do you walk towards something that has already overcome you? I have no problem with letting it overcome me. I accept my grief as I have always accepted my happiness. It is now part of who I am. Maybe this is what the author meant to say. Or, perhaps s/he should have phrased the idea in the negative "Don't try to run from your grief." This makes more sense to me.

This book also has lots of ideas about ways to continue moving forward and gives all kinds of advice about what is normal. Apprently and as sick as it sounds, I do death well. It talks about listening to music, whether is makes you happy or drags you right back down into the pit of despair. Check! It talks about going to the cemetary regulary to try to find peace. Check! It talks about giving yourself time away from social situations and asking friends and family for patience. Check! It talks about just getting away for a while if one feels the need. Check! I hope that you are picking up on my sarcasm.

We went to Grand Forks for a couple of days. I would love to regale my female readers with tales of amazing bargains but the truth of the matter is that I wasn't into the shopping. My book says nothing about what to do when you find yourself looking at baby girl clothes and wishing that you had a baby to put into them. Nor does it say anything about staring at maternity clothes and wondering why that baby isn't still here. It doesn't offer any advice on learning how to laugh with your children as they go flying down waterslides or yell "Where's my supper?" in the middle of the restaurant before we had even ordered. Guess who that was?! : )

I did enjoy the quiet ride down the back country highways. There aren't any trucks allowed and there was next to no traffic. I have never seen so many birds in my life and we saw lots of deer too. In fact, there was a doe standing on the edge of the highway at one point, her big eyes seemed to be staring at us. Mike started to break, afraid that the beautiful creature would dart in front of the van. Instead she stood there until we had passed and then hopped back into the woods seemingly without a care in the world.

And so, my book seems to be lacking in some areas but I think that I am okay with that. I figure that if I can still see beauty in the world I am still moving forward.

Love to you all,

Kristen

solitude

I went to Georgia's grave site today. I was alone at home and found myself being drawn to the place. I laid a single stargazer lily in the soil that now marks her final resting place. I had Roy Orbison's In Dreams blasting from the windows in the car. I don't know how long I sat there, long after the song was done at least. I've always loved cemetaries. I am one of those strange people that find them restful places. I used to play in one overseas when I would visit my aunt. My childhood memories remind me of a magical place with trees and a creek where we would catch frogs. I used to take time walking amongst the graves reading the tombstones. I always thought that they were beautiful and I would try to imagine the people and their lives. My images were based solely on their ages and the few lines that were sometimes inscribed. Funny, that I never really thought about the people that were left behind. I can only blame it on the fact that I was but a child.

I guess that I must have found some peace there today because I finally got up off the ground. I am looking forward to seeing the trees start to fill out. They have plans to plant another 200 trees in the area. I like the idea that I will be able to see the trees around Georgie grow over the next several years. I take comfort that she now lies in my final resting place as well. For those of you that wondered, she was placed cross wise at the head of my future grave-site. That's why she is perpendicular to all of the other graves.

To my friends that I normally talk to everyday and see several times a week, I am asking you now for patience. I admit that I am not answering the phone and am not yet returning calls. I have no excuse except to say that I am craving solitude and with a 5 year old and a 2 year old those moments are hard to find.

We are leaving tomorrow for a couple of days away. I am looking forward to the private time with my family but dread the idea of being so far away from home, my home full of Georgia. If anyone is reading this and feels the urge maybe you could go check on Georgie's final resting place It's not hard to find, behind the pond, the small mound of dirt laying parallel to the road. I know that she isn't really there and yet I still take comfort in the idea that someone will check on her.

Love to you all,

Kristen

Service

It's been a long day and I thought that I would have nothing much to say, yet here I am holed up in the office. Thank you to all of you that attended the service today. Thank you to all of you that couldn't make it but kept us in your thoughts and prayers and to all of you near and far that chose to wear pink. Thank you to some of you that have sent private email messages even since the service. These continue to be my lifelines.

I plan on posting the eulogy and the video when I get a chance. There were also quite a few pictures taken and we will try to post some of those as well. We are considering taking off for a few days so if you don't hear from us you know that we have escaped.

I will continue to blog (less often of course) but our journey has only just begun and we are hoping that many of you will join us. I have some thoughts about this that eventually I will share.

The last of the crowd is starting to leave now so I need to go say good bye.

Love to you all,

Kristen

PS To my amazing duo if you are reading this I am thanking you again from the bottom of my heart. Thanks for helping me to walk back in!