Day by Day

Apparently the geese didn't like my comments in the last post because yesterday they decided to be the first to greet me as I pulled into the cemetary. There they were with a whole trail of brand new little goslings trailing behind. The way they looked at me and turned their backs as they went about their business had me laugh out loud. I will try not to insult them again! : )

Our lives continue day by day, often moment by moment. I still am not able to commit to anything, my mood is as unpredictable as the weather. I have gone to the gym a few times now and that does seem to help during the "angry" moments. I continue to go to the cemetary regulary although I haven't gone today. The weather is just so nasty. It's actually snowing right now!

We have been told that we will have an answer to Mike's appeal by next Friday, so much for 5 business days! We are trying to take it all in stride. For the most part Mike and I tag team the girls. When he is feeling really down I try to keep them occupied and vice versa. The girls seem to be doing quite well. They will continue going to their activities for another week before everything starts to wrap up for the summer. Sleep seems to be our biggest issue. We all end up playing musical beds everynight as the girls are often up. Calla has even started sleep walking. I just keep telling myself that it's all part of the process.

Love to you all ,

Kristen

Birds in the Rain

Just before lunch today I opened one of our back curtains that had been left closed. It was pouring rain as I looked out into the backyard. It actually took a couple of moments for my eyes to adjust to what they were seeing. There were at least a dozen sparrows hopping around in one corner of the yard. My friend the robin was out there too but s/he was off on their own. Now, I'm sure that it isn't unusual to see a bunch a birds in a springtime downpour but it was slightly unusual for us. Besides the grass and one tree there is nothing in our backyard for the birds. Our tree isn't even budding yet. I even went up to the girls' room so that I could see everybody else's yards. No birds there!

Dr. Mike once told us that he knows a family that believes that their deceased loved one often sends the birds. As he was telling us that I was thinking about how I have seen more birds since Georgia's passing then I have ever seen in my life. Every time that I visit Georgia's gravesite I am always greeted by at least one bird and I'm not referring to those noisy geese. : ) The best was the hawk that circled silently overhead for what seemed like ages. Now, there are many plausible explanations for this but I like that family's idea. Feel free to call me crazy. I accept craziness just like I accept my grief. In fact, I don't believe that anyone can lose a child without taking on at least a little bit of craziness.

Thank you to my friend Victoria Strong who made up a flyer about SMA with Georgie's pictures on it. Victoria is Gwendolyn's mom and for those of you who don't know she and her husband are the people who started the petition. You can learn more about them at www.gwendolynstrong.com If anyone would like a copy of the flyer please let us know and I will email it to you.

Love to you all,

Kristen

Failure

It has been three weeks since I watched my baby take her last breath. During those last few moments I remember silently willing her to continue breathing. I would gladly have given every last breath in my body just to know that she would have had a chance. But that wasn't to be. Instead I am left here, left to mourn and to continue on even when I don't want to or feel like it.

Grieving is a brutal process. It knocks you down into pits of darkness only to let you grasp your way back up to the top and find that you are still surrounded by darkness. Occasionally, you catch a glimpse of light but it never seems to last for very long and it's never very bright. It is enough however to sometimes offer hope. Even the tiniest bit of hope can keep someone going. As you stumble through this journey called grief you find yourself thrown back into that pit over and over only to begin climbling again.

The light comes in many forms, sometimes a silly story from a two year old or the laughter of a 5 year old. Other times it is a message from a friend or that silly robin that loves to wake me up in the morning. Most often however, it is the memory of a baby fighting until the end. That memory forces me up and out of that hole, because if I can't continue fighting then I have failed her. Failing Georgia would leave me without hope and so I continue on.

Please keep forwarding the petition on. Failing Georgia is not an option.

Love to you all,

Kristen