The Deal

One year ago today Georgie and I were up early on our way to the hospital for the first set of blood tests. They had tried to get the blood that they needed the day before at the clinic but after a couple of attempts we all decided that it was best to just take her in. The doctor had actually sent me to the wrong place but because it was unusually quiet the nurses set us up in a room and the blood was drawn rather quickly. An x-ray revealed that despite the fact that Georgia was suffering from yet another chest cold her lungs were clear. They told us that the tests would take weeks and to try not to worry. After all, we came from huge families and there was no history of any serious illnesses or diseases.

Despite the reassurances the feelings or dread had started to settle in. That night I looked into Georgie's eyes and I asked her to get better. In the end I was actually begging her to try to be well through the weekend so that we could get through her oldest sister's birthday. I didn't want Calla to have traumatic memories of her special day. I told her that she would have my undivided attention by the end of the weekend. She looked at me and with her eyes told me not to worry. We had a deal.

Love to you all,

Kristen

Some Days

For Melanie,

The snow has been melting slowly but surely around here. Our roads are lakes during the day and skating rinks at night and the early mornings. For many, this time of year is filled with hope of sunny days, warmer weather and new life. In our house we share all of these feelings but springtime is now clouded by dark memories. It was this week a year ago that the doctors first ordered genetic testing suspecting that there was something serious going on with Georgia. Next week will mark her going into the hospital and our lives changing forever. As we approach these anniversaries the roller coaster of emotions takes on even more ups and downs. Throw in some pregnancy hormones and life can get really interesting.

Some days I can jump out of bed with a smile on my face and a feeling of optimism as I think about the day ahead. Some days I can barely crawl into the shower.

Some days I can hop off the treadmill feeling like I can conquer the world, and some days I stagger off feeling more physically and emotionally exhausted than before.

Some days I can feel really good about all that we have done in Georgia's name especially because we are still in the early stages of grieving. Other days all I can feel is guilt that we should be doing more and that we have failed.

Some days I could tell hundreds of people's Georgia's story and talk about SMA until the sun went down. Other days, I just want to pretend that SMA doesn't exist.

Some days I can tackle a list of house chores without looking back and other days a load of laundry seems like a mountain to climb.

Some days I can spend most of the time smiling and laughing. Other days the tears just don't seem to stop.

Some days I can pat myself on the back telling myself that Calla and Maya are doing great. Other days I can't stop worrying about how I have screwed them up.

Some days I can look forward to future plans especially meeting this new baby and other days I can't think beyond the next few minutes.

Some days I can run a dozen errands and other days I start driving and have to remind myself where I'm going.

Some days I can find peace.

So, I forget things sometimes. So, my house isn't always tidy. So, I don't always run on the treadmill. So, I cry a lot. So, I don't always return a phone call immediately. So, I don't always know what to say. So, I like to wear my pjs under my winter gear to walk Calla to school. : ) I do know however that every day I love Georgia and do my best to keep her memory alive. I get up everyday and force myself to keep going even when I don't feel like it. We're not crazy Melanie. We are approaching the anniversary of our daughters' death and we are surviving. Some days we're doing even more than that! Some days I convince myself that that is enough...

Love to you all,

Kristen