Yesterday, as I rushed around trying to drop off flyers to be displayed I started to feel frustrated. I wonder who will even bother to read them? Who will come because they see a poster? Today, as I was driving to the grocery store I started to really feel sorry for myself. I started thinking about how I should be planning a second birthday party, how I could have been making an appointment to get Georgia's portraits done, how I would have been helping her to pick out the perfect birthday cake.
When I'm in the car alone I can throw myself a pretty big pity party. : ) Then it hit me. The 'coulda, shoulda, wouldas' will serve me no purpose. Dwelling on what I would have been doing if Georgie was still alive isn't going to help me carry on. It's certainly not going to help me do anything in her memory.
Learning to live in the moment is not easy. In fact, I think that's it's one of the harder lessons that I will ever learn. I am really trying though. It's scary to let go of the 'coulda, shoulda, wouldas' because for some reason it feels like if I do I a may start to forget Georgia. If I don't stop to dwell on what kind of cake she may have wanted or who her friends would have been then she'll think that I have forgotten about her. Absolutely untrue of course. It's just hard to stop.
As the pity party came to an end I started to refocus on what I am doing and what I will do. I am putting on a fundraiser and doing my best to promote it, all in the name of my daughter. I will celebrate her birthday every year and mark every milestone if only silently to myself. I will continue to share her story and those of other little SMA warriors and angels. I will allow myself a pity party once in a while but I have to let go of the 'coulda,'shoulda, wouldas'. Then and only then will I be able to truly live up to my potential and understand what I am meant to do next.
Love to you all,
Kristen
