The Bump

Two and a half months ago I sat in a public bathroom and stared at a stick that would change the course of this family. Dozens of emotions ran through me before I did something that I didn't know I could do. I took all of those emotions, shoved them deep down inside and then disposed of the evidence in a garbage can. In order to understand this you'd have to go back to August.

Sometime while we were on holidays or shortly before Mike and I decided that if the only reason we chose not to have another child was due to the fact that we were scared then that really wasn't a reason and certainly no way to live. Georgia taught us this and we do our best to live it. And so, at the end of September I stared at the stick in awe.

While I say that we do our best not to live in fear that was the one of the overwhelming emotions that set in. The idea of waiting nine months to find out if this child would even have a chance was too much for me to bear. And so, we decided to go ahead with the CVS testing. It is a test similar to an amnio where they take a piece of the placenta and then test for everything under the sun, including SMA. Because we decided not to tell anyone, this meant that on the morning of November 16th I woke up and 3:30 and snuck out of the house to make a 5:00 am flight to Toronto (CVS testing is no longer done in Winnipeg). The test went smoothly and I returned home in time to eat a late supper with the girls. We weren't ready to deal with everybody's questions, never mind opinions so we kept our pregnancy quiet.

11 Days later we received the good news. The baby does not have SMA or any of the other conditions that they apparently tested for. Mike and I were thrilled and relieved and thought that we were ready to share our joy with others. We managed to tell immediate family and a couple of friends before the shock and the reality of the situation started to really set in. There were also still a lot of 'What if?' feelings. After living in denial for weeks we realized that we needed time to let he news truly sink in. It has now been two weeks since we received the results and we are starting to accept the idea that maybe we really have been granted another chance.

We wouldn't have been able to keep it a secret much longer as I am now 16 weeks along. Being that this is my fourth pregnancy and I am a rather small framed person there is definitely a bump starting to make itself known. The bump continually reminds me that living in denial is no longer an option. At times I think that it even mocks me and asks why I would consider something so miraculous worth keeping a secret. The bump is a growing hope for our little family. Underneath the bump there lives a being that we hope will join us. We hope to watch that being learn to sit up, walk, run and grow up. We hope to hear this being laugh and scream in delight with her sisters. We even hope to hear her scream her lungs out when she scrapes her knee.

Saying all of that there are still some things that I want others to understand. Bringing another child into the world DOES NOT make everything better. While it does offer us another chance, s/he will never replace our Georgie. In fact, it is quite difficult at times to feel totally happy about bringing a child into the world when we only just lost one. Bringing another child into the world DOES NOT change our commitment to finding a cure for SMA. Georgia's Journey of Hope will go as planned. In fact, I view this child as another warrior to add to the ranks.

Love to you all,

Kristen


PS Within half an hour of hearing the good news I had to pack up the girls and drive them to dance. We all screamed in delight (well, I actually started to cry) as we passed the Blues' house. For the first time since the day after Georgia's funeral the twinkling stars were shining. I almost jumped out and banged on your door Lorna! Thank you for making our day that much more special.

Songs

I know that 'they' say that our sense of smell has the longest memory but I also believe that our memory for music, particularly certain songs and melodies, is amazingly long as well. Isn't it amazing how only the first few notes of a song can take us back to a different time and place?

Sometimes at the girls' dance class the instructor plays a hauntingly beautiful instrumental version of 'Land of the Silver Birch'. It doesn't matter what I am doing whether I'm reading a story or involved in a conversation, I am immediately distracted and holding Georgie in my arms if but for a few minutes. If Maya is feeling sad and missing her little sister she often takes out Georgia's musical seahorse or her aquarium and sits down to listen to the music.

Now that we have started to listen to Christmas Carols the flooding of memories only gets stronger. Calla, Maya and Georgie's favorite Christmas song last year was "Do You Hear What I Hear?" Calla and I could sing the whole song from memory which we often did for Maya and Georgia. The week leading up to Christmas last year Georgie was not very happy (quite gassy) and I can't tell you how many times we sung that song to her. It didn't matter how miserable she was feeling or how off key we sang, she ALWAYS smiled! As I have said before Georgie was just a musical baby and in turn she made us all musical.

The other day we heard the song "Do You Hear What I Hear?" for the first time this season. As I started to have flashes of Georgia's smiling face, Calla's lit up with a grin. She kind of got a serene look on her face and she said, "Hey mom, I know this song!"

It makes me sad to think that Calla and especially Maya's memories of Georgia will fade as time goes by. The other day as I watched Calla start singing the song softly to herself however, I realized that she was remembering. And, as long as we keep talking and singing they will always have memories of their baby sister that they can hold in their hearts.

Love to you all,

Kristen