Always Loved

Aria is now the same age that Maya was when Georgia was sick.  I look at Aria and can't imagine leaving her and yet that is exactly what I did to Maya and Calla.  The memory is clear in my mind.  I had loaded Georgia into her carseat and was about to place her in the car to take to the hospital.  My mom had literally just walked up.  There on the driveway, I hugged Calla and Maya and told them I'd be back later that day.  I left on March 16th and except for a few trips home to shower I didn't return for almost three weeks.

Looking at Aria today I wonder how I could have walked out on my then two and just turned five year old.  I wonder what it has done to them emotionally and how it will affect them in the future.  It's funny how I know that one decision I made will impact them for the rest of their our lives.  The sad part is that I know, if placed in the same position again I would do the exact same thing.

Taking care of a very sick child changed me.  It made me prioritize things and people in my life - even my children.  As parents we all know that when one of our children isn't well, they get more of our attention.  When children are hospitalized and possibly dying the case becomes even more extreme.  I realized in those first few days that my time with Georgia might not be very long and so I poured all of my love and attention onto her.  I was desperate for her to understand that no matter how short a life she had with me I LOVED her and would always do so.

In the end, that meant almost ignoring my other two beautiful girls that I loved equally.  I left them for others to care for.  I regret not being able to care for them during that time and yet I know that I would never have forgiven myself if Georgia had died anywhere except in my arms.  Now I just have to hope and pray that Calla and Maya will grow up knowing that I have given them all that I could - that I continue to pour all of my love and attention on them every day.  I need them to understand that I have always loved them just as much and have given them all that I am.

Love to you all,

Kristen

Heavy

It's hard to believe it's March already...again.  I love the fact that March brings with it warmer weather even if it brings lots of snow.  It brings back the geese, the birds and the sunshine.  It means we get outside to play more and chat with people in the neighborhood.  Calla celebrates a birthday in March and so does my dad.  March should be such a happy month...

The girls are all doing great.  Calla's teacher told me last night how excited she is to see Calla so happy and willing to share in class. Maya's teacher recently told me that if I hadn't told her she suffers from anxiety, she'd have no idea.  Aria is approaching three and is starting to become a lot more social and independent.  My girls sing and dance and laugh.  They love to play in the snow and get together with friends.  It has been almost four years but I can truly say that my children are thriving!  I should feel so happy...

The arrival of March has brought with it a heavy feeling.  I look around at my life and think about how blessed I am and yet I feel the heaviness of grief.  I have moments where I feel angry and don't understand why.  I have moments where I just want to to curl up and hide.  Some days I feel so overwhelmed I'll find myself looking at the clock counting the hours until the day ends, tomorrow should surely be better.

Grief is such a funny thing.  One minute laughing with joy and the next sobbing with sadness.  Over the last several months I have caught glimpses of the person I once was, 'confident and happy go lucky'.  That is actually how people used to describe me!  The weight of grief takes away those glimpses.  Sometimes leaving me to wonder if I ever really was that person never mind if I'll ever find her again.

I had thought that at four years I could face the memories with confidence and grace and instead find myself crumbling - wondering how I will get through.  Oh, I know I will.  That is one thing that I have learned.  You just keep going because you have no choice.  Maybe, that is why I came back to the blog.  When life has been overwhelming it has always been a safe place to express myself.

Love to you all,

Kristen