Welcome to Georgia's Journey

Georgia Lily Lucas was born at home on October 6th, 2008 4:15am, in Winnipeg, Manitoba. She was diagnosed with SMA (Spinal Muscular Atrophy) on April 1, 2009.

On April 3rd Georgia was taken home, to be near her sisters and the rest of her family and friends. Nearly three weeks later, on April 21, 2009, she died peacefully -- in the loving arms of her mother and in the same room in which she was born.

Friday, March 8, 2013

Always Loved

Aria is now the same age that Maya was when Georgia was sick.  I look at Aria and can't imagine leaving her and yet that is exactly what I did to Maya and Calla.  The memory is clear in my mind.  I had loaded Georgia into her carseat and was about to place her in the car to take to the hospital.  My mom had literally just walked up.  There on the driveway, I hugged Calla and Maya and told them I'd be back later that day.  I left on March 16th and except for a few trips home to shower I didn't return for almost three weeks.

Looking at Aria today I wonder how I could have walked out on my then two and just turned five year old.  I wonder what it has done to them emotionally and how it will affect them in the future.  It's funny how I know that one decision I made will impact them for the rest of their our lives.  The sad part is that I know, if placed in the same position again I would do the exact same thing.

Taking care of a very sick child changed me.  It made me prioritize things and people in my life - even my children.  As parents we all know that when one of our children isn't well, they get more of our attention.  When children are hospitalized and possibly dying the case becomes even more extreme.  I realized in those first few days that my time with Georgia might not be very long and so I poured all of my love and attention onto her.  I was desperate for her to understand that no matter how short a life she had with me I LOVED her and would always do so.

In the end, that meant almost ignoring my other two beautiful girls that I loved equally.  I left them for others to care for.  I regret not being able to care for them during that time and yet I know that I would never have forgiven myself if Georgia had died anywhere except in my arms.  Now I just have to hope and pray that Calla and Maya will grow up knowing that I have given them all that I could - that I continue to pour all of my love and attention on them every day.  I need them to understand that I have always loved them just as much and have given them all that I am.

Love to you all,

Kristen

3 comments:

  1. I am sure your girls know how much you love them and they will understand how much Georgia needed you at that time in her life. I struggle with this same thing when Nicholas is hospitalized. I want Ella to feel loved and cared for even if I am not always with her and I rely on my husband, my mother, and friends to step in and help. I think moms always have guilt in every decision we make for our children, but our children know that we are doing the best we can to make sure they know how loved they are. Hugs to you.

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  2. Oh my goodness, your thoughts echo my own exactly!! My girls were 19 months and five years when Freja was born and I had never been away from them for more than a couple of hours! We were in the city for 15 days and I remember so clearly feeling so torn and having that conversation with David who spoke some common sense into me.. He said the same thing - We would have a lifetime with our girls at home... But we had to focus on the one who's life would likely be short... Oh I remember so clearly how horribly torn I felt... I was so worried about my girls who were at home, but even more worried about our baby in the hospital. Our daughter who was 19 months at the time, had lots and lots of issues when we came home. Lots of insecurities. It just about killed me this past September to see her go off to kindergarten.

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  3. It is amazing how as Mom's each and every decision, even one's we have to make, come with some amount of guilt. I can understand, because of motherhood, why you wonder what effect it has on the girls or will have, but to be honest I truly feel the only effect it has is them knowing that if one of them needed you, you would be there. You are right, it was a tough and drastic time in their lives too, but they were surrounded by people who love them and who could also keep things light and even fun, which as a Mom losing a child, you wouldn't have been able to do. I think they were in the best place to get what they were actually needing, and sometimes, although hard to believe, it isn't us because we aren't in the position to give them that.
    I can't begin to imagine what raw emotions these months bring, but I hope you can feel peace in knowing you were where you needed to be and the girls know they have a Mom who will be by their side every step of the way-whether they think they need it or not! They truly are the luckiest girls in teh world!!
    Love ya, Em

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