Aria is now the same age that Maya was when Georgia was sick. I look at Aria and can't imagine leaving her and yet that is exactly what I did to Maya and Calla. The memory is clear in my mind. I had loaded Georgia into her carseat and was about to place her in the car to take to the hospital. My mom had literally just walked up. There on the driveway, I hugged Calla and Maya and told them I'd be back later that day. I left on March 16th and except for a few trips home to shower I didn't return for almost three weeks.
Looking at Aria today I wonder how I could have walked out on my then two and just turned five year old. I wonder what it has done to them emotionally and how it will affect them in the future. It's funny how I know that one decision I made will impact them for the rest of their our lives. The sad part is that I know, if placed in the same position again I would do the exact same thing.
Taking care of a very sick child changed me. It made me prioritize things and people in my life - even my children. As parents we all know that when one of our children isn't well, they get more of our attention. When children are hospitalized and possibly dying the case becomes even more extreme. I realized in those first few days that my time with Georgia might not be very long and so I poured all of my love and attention onto her. I was desperate for her to understand that no matter how short a life she had with me I LOVED her and would always do so.
In the end, that meant almost ignoring my other two beautiful girls that I loved equally. I left them for others to care for. I regret not being able to care for them during that time and yet I know that I would never have forgiven myself if Georgia had died anywhere except in my arms. Now I just have to hope and pray that Calla and Maya will grow up knowing that I have given them all that I could - that I continue to pour all of my love and attention on them every day. I need them to understand that I have always loved them just as much and have given them all that I am.
Love to you all,
During the day... December 2009
4 hours ago