It's hard to believe it's March already...again. I love the fact that March brings with it warmer weather even if it brings lots of snow. It brings back the geese, the birds and the sunshine. It means we get outside to play more and chat with people in the neighborhood. Calla celebrates a birthday in March and so does my dad. March should be such a happy month...
The girls are all doing great. Calla's teacher told me last night how excited she is to see Calla so happy and willing to share in class. Maya's teacher recently told me that if I hadn't told her she suffers from anxiety, she'd have no idea. Aria is approaching three and is starting to become a lot more social and independent. My girls sing and dance and laugh. They love to play in the snow and get together with friends. It has been almost four years but I can truly say that my children are thriving! I should feel so happy...
The arrival of March has brought with it a heavy feeling. I look around at my life and think about how blessed I am and yet I feel the heaviness of grief. I have moments where I feel angry and don't understand why. I have moments where I just want to to curl up and hide. Some days I feel so overwhelmed I'll find myself looking at the clock counting the hours until the day ends, tomorrow should surely be better.
Grief is such a funny thing. One minute laughing with joy and the next sobbing with sadness. Over the last several months I have caught glimpses of the person I once was, 'confident and happy go lucky'. That is actually how people used to describe me! The weight of grief takes away those glimpses. Sometimes leaving me to wonder if I ever really was that person never mind if I'll ever find her again.
I had thought that at four years I could face the memories with confidence and grace and instead find myself crumbling - wondering how I will get through. Oh, I know I will. That is one thing that I have learned. You just keep going because you have no choice. Maybe, that is why I came back to the blog. When life has been overwhelming it has always been a safe place to express myself.
Love to you all,
5 days ago