Welcome to Georgia's Journey

Georgia Lily Lucas was born at home on October 6th, 2008 4:15am, in Winnipeg, Manitoba. She was diagnosed with SMA (Spinal Muscular Atrophy) on April 1, 2009.

On April 3rd Georgia was taken home, to be near her sisters and the rest of her family and friends. Nearly three weeks later, on April 21, 2009, she died peacefully -- in the loving arms of her mother and in the same room in which she was born.

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Heavy

It's hard to believe it's March already...again.  I love the fact that March brings with it warmer weather even if it brings lots of snow.  It brings back the geese, the birds and the sunshine.  It means we get outside to play more and chat with people in the neighborhood.  Calla celebrates a birthday in March and so does my dad.  March should be such a happy month...

The girls are all doing great.  Calla's teacher told me last night how excited she is to see Calla so happy and willing to share in class. Maya's teacher recently told me that if I hadn't told her she suffers from anxiety, she'd have no idea.  Aria is approaching three and is starting to become a lot more social and independent.  My girls sing and dance and laugh.  They love to play in the snow and get together with friends.  It has been almost four years but I can truly say that my children are thriving!  I should feel so happy...

The arrival of March has brought with it a heavy feeling.  I look around at my life and think about how blessed I am and yet I feel the heaviness of grief.  I have moments where I feel angry and don't understand why.  I have moments where I just want to to curl up and hide.  Some days I feel so overwhelmed I'll find myself looking at the clock counting the hours until the day ends, tomorrow should surely be better.

Grief is such a funny thing.  One minute laughing with joy and the next sobbing with sadness.  Over the last several months I have caught glimpses of the person I once was, 'confident and happy go lucky'.  That is actually how people used to describe me!  The weight of grief takes away those glimpses.  Sometimes leaving me to wonder if I ever really was that person never mind if I'll ever find her again.

I had thought that at four years I could face the memories with confidence and grace and instead find myself crumbling - wondering how I will get through.  Oh, I know I will.  That is one thing that I have learned.  You just keep going because you have no choice.  Maybe, that is why I came back to the blog.  When life has been overwhelming it has always been a safe place to express myself.

Love to you all,

Kristen

2 comments:

  1. Kristen,

    again you share and my heart feels for you. I agree greif is funny... I didn't lose a child but i lost a best friend it's been 14 years and i'll cry and sob at the weirdest times and over things that others would think is trivial. But to this day I miss her with all my heart and I think of her daily.

    Please continue to share.

    Love and Hugs to you all!
    Vanessa Laarveld

    ReplyDelete
  2. Yes, I've been feeling that gravitational pull towards my blog too. It was my safe haven during those early months and years, and around this time each year I am drawn back because it feels like 'home.' I so understand how you're feeling right now... once again, your words sound as if I could;ve written them myself. Grief certainly does change us and it is so confusing at times isn't it? I'm always here to talk if you need, and although I wish this had never happened to you and Georgia, it does help a bit to know that we walked this same journey at the same time and place, yet we didn't even know each other at the time... Sending lots of love and strength in the coming days and weeks.... xoxo

    ReplyDelete