A Mother's Job

From the moment a woman knows that she is pregnant (at least under positive circumstances) her body does this amazing job of keeping that baby alive. The baby receives all of the nutrients it needs to grow bigger and stronger from day to day and it remains protected until it is ready to enter the world. If a mother hasn't already figured it out she very quickly realizes that her main job is to keep this amazing little being alive.

In the early days life revolves around making sure that the baby is fed, comfortable and gaining weight. As time goes on we struggle to make sure our little ones are stimulated... that they learn about the world, that they become independent and that with any luck they take with them some of the morals that we've tried to instill. While all of these things are important, the minute that we are hit with a crisis a mother, or a father for that matter realizes that their most important job as a parent is to keep that child safe, in other words to keep that child alive.

So this has been a hard week for me. Georgia not being here to celebrate her first birthday is a reminder that I as her mother have failed. Don't get me wrong I think that I did a lot of things right by her and know that I couldn't stop myself from failing but essentially that is exactly what has happened. I have failed to keep my child alive through no fault of my own. This is something that is very hard to wrap your head around. I'm sure that most of you reading this are thinking about how you are going to write to me and tell me about how I didn't fail. Nobody likes to fail and we all like to think that if we didn't have any control over it then we couldn't have failed. I disagree.

While none of us like the idea of failure, it can often set us down a path that we had never considered. It may save us from even bigger mistakes that we could make down the line. It could change our lives in such a profound way that it could be described as nothing but a gift.

I may have failed to keep my baby alive but I am now following a path that will make me a more compassionate human being. I now have goals that will allow me to say that I will never fail my daughter again. While I would take Georgie back in an instant, it is her arrival and even more so her departure that has been my gift. What happened this past Saturday was only the beginning. It was the laying down of a foundation to building something that will be great and beyond what many of us can imagine. I can now tell you that the final total will be even greater than what I previously estimated! : ) In honoring Georgia's birthday, I have not failed.

"Making your mark on the world is hard. If it were easy, everybody would do it. But it's not. It takes patience, it takes commitment, and it comes with plenty of failure along the way. The real test is not whether you avoid this failure, because you won't. it's whether you let it harden or shame you into inaction, or whether you learn from it; whether you choose to persevere." Barack Obama

Thank you to all of you that sent messages. Thank you to all of you for respecting our need for privacy and quiet as we have gone through this most difficult week. The journey that we are travelling is difficult but we remain grateful to all of you.

Love to you all,

Kristen

Birthday Girl

Happy Birthday Sweet Angel! We miss you so much!

Arrival

I felt the first twinges of labour just after the girls went to bed. I wasn't really surprised. The midwive had said afterall, "Tonight's the night!" After two sleepless nights due to strong contractions I felt ready. I was more than ready. Still, there was absolutely nothing going on as I finished supper at my parents' that night. Around 9:00 the contractions started to become regular and I started to believe my midwife. At some point I sent Mike to bed telling him to try to get at least an hour of sleep.

By 11:00 the fear started to creep in. Despite having done this two times previously my mind had forgotten the pain. With every contraction there was a new sense of panic. "How can I deliver this baby at home? I can't even get through the initial contractions!" "What if the pain becomes too much and I need an epidural?" Ridiculous, looking back. Mike came back down around 11:30 and realized that I was indeed in real labor.

We called the midwife around midnight and she arrived shortly thereafter along with another one shortly after that. By the time they arrived my emotions were under control. My feelings were the only thing that I could control and I had figured out how to do just that. I was calm. In fact, I even told the midwives what time to expect my water to break. I actually walked into my bathroom two contractions before it broke knowing that it was imminent. I told everyone in the room that night that Georgia would be born some time after 4:00.

The pushing took me by surprise. Maya had practically jumped out and I expected Georgie to do just that. This time the baby didn't want to come nearly as fast. I look back now and wonder if The Brave Little Soul was having second thoughts. Did she know that her life would be so short? Did she know that once she left my body and had to start breathing on her own, her days were numbered? Of course, I knew none of this at the time and only wanted her out.

She arrived angrily at 4:15 am on the 6th. I wasn't surprised by her anger because I had been joking for the last several days that she didn't want to come out. She was quite happy where she had been. I now understand why. She was beautiful and perfect. She eventually calmed down and actually ended up being the calmest of our 3 babies.

Eventually the midwives packed up and moved out just before Calla and Maya got out of bed. They walked in just after 7:00 to meet their gorgeous baby sister.

Missing you tonight Georgie.

Love to you all,

Kristen