Eight!

Happy 8th birthday to our beautiful Calla! We couldn't imagine our lives without you Calla!!

Love Mom

Happy

Tomorrow is my birthday. Three years ago I felt like celebrating. I snuck away in the afternoon to get my hair done -to feel pampered. We invited a few friends over for dinner. I drank wine. I laughed...a lot. I had no idea that my life was about to experience a tragic turn of events. I was blissfully naive. I was happy!

Fast forward 3 years. Tomorrow is my birthday and I feel like celebrating. No, I won't be sneaking away to be pampered or hanging out with friends. I may have a glass of wine and I really hope that I laugh but I am giving myself a gift this year. It's called forgiveness.

I made peace with losing Georgia some time ago but I haven't quite made peace with myself. Last February I was fighting depression and so jumped on a treadmill. I have often found peace while running but it has always been short lived. Recently, I decided to just start forgiving myself. That way if there is no treadmill nearby and the snowbanks are piled high I can still find it.

Since Georgia died I often find myself feeling overwhelmed by the supidest things - the kitchen sink has dishes in it, we're going to be two minutes late, the van is dirty, supper wasn't started on time, I didn't exercise etc. You'd think having lost a child that I wouldn't sweat the small stuff and that I could put things into perspective. Instead the opposite has happened. If I feel like I am losing control I start to feel angry and upset. I even find myself worrying about what others may be thinking. Stupid!

While I did not make it a New Year's resolution, I have been taking more deep breaths since Christmas. I am continually reminding myself that somethings really don't matter. My van has been dirty for a couple of weeks now and I know that eventually it will get washed! If I don't get all of the laundry folded this morning, it will still be waiting for me this afternoon. If I choose to take some time for myself, my kids will be just fine. In fact, they're so much better behaved when I come home! LOL

It's hard to find true happiness after experiencing a loss. Even while you experience joy you always feel like something is missing. Sometimes you feel guilty for feeling happy. Forgiving yourself means understanding that you can be cheerful, ecstatic, delighted etc without loving the person you have lost any less. I have always known that Georgia knew this, it has just taken me a while to accept it myself. Maybe, I'm a little slow. : )

So, this year I am giving myself a gift and I am proud to say that I am once again happy!

Love to you all,

Kristen

Merry Christmas

"Oh I miss you now, my love
Merry Christmas, merry Christmas,
Merry Christmas, my love

Sense of joy fills the air
And I daydream and I stare
Up at the tree and I see
Your star up there

And this is how I see you
In the snow on Christmas morning
Love and happiness surround you
As you throw your arms up to the sky
I keep this moment by and by"
Sarah Mclachlan



Merry Christmas sweet Georgia!

The Missing Paragraph

Georgia would have been 3 years old this year. I imagine that I would have had her registered in Kindermusik and she would probably have danced on Tuesday mornings with her friend Ruby. She would have started preschool this past September. I would have had so much fun doing up her thick hair every day. I imagine that she would have loved singing Christmas Carols and listening to Calla sing in the choir. I can imagine her giggling with Maya as they played games in the morning and tried to decide what to wear every day. She would have started skating lessons this year. I am sure that Calla and Maya would have taken her by the hand. She would have been a big sister to Aria. I picture her trying to teach Aria the words to songs and playing dolls with her.

As Chrismas approaches I feel her absence more than ever. I wish I were buying her presents and going to her preschool concert. I wish that I could see her dance, and smile and play. I wish that I could hear her sing...

A Christmas Letter

At some point in my life I wrote a Christmas letter every year. It was a chance to update family and friends what we as a family, were doing. The last one I wrote was in 2008. In March, of 2009 I made my life quite public by writing in this blog. When the holidays came around that year I simply didn't have the energy to sum up what 2009 had done to us as a family. Last year I didn't feel like doing it either but this year I am feeling ready so here goes:

Dear Family and Friends,

We hope that this letter finds you in good health as you prepare for the holiday season. We have had another busy year around here. It's pretty hard not to be busy with three kids running around! Usually I'd start with Calla but since Maya is the middle child I thought that I'd write about her first this time.

Maya finished up preschool this year and in September she started kindergarten. We were all a little bit nervous about how she would adapt but I am thrilled to say that kindergarten and Miss Granda have been the best thing to happen to Maya in three years. She is loving school and thriving. I am so proud to see her becoming a social butterfly and gaining confidence. Maya is still dancing and loving it! She has requested to dance more often so next year I'll be putting her in at least two classes. She also tried soccer this year and liked it. She hasn't quite decided if she will play again this spring. Maya is also becoming quite the skater. So much so, that I even asked her if she'd like to play ringette. So far the answer remains 'No'. Her true love is DANCE.

Calla started grade 2 this year. She has become a fantastic reader and is loving the 'Geronimo/Thea Stilton series right now. She decided to dance ballet and jazz this year and continues to enjoy it. She has given up piano because she didn't want to try a new teacher. The teacher that we had won't be back in town until next fall. : ( Calla did join the school choir however and seems to be loving it. She learned at least a dozen Christmas songs this year and had the chance to sing them at a Seniors' Residence and the mall. Calla is also still skating but really only does it because one of her buddy's is in her class. LOL Skating really isn't her thing!

Aria has grown up so much in the last year. Her language skills are quite advanced as she is now speaking in short sentences. Today she said, "I wanna see where Maya go!" She is busy, busy, busy and... fearless! She broke her arm in November by climbing up onto our piano stool and standing up before falling down. She had wiggled out of her sling 13 days later and the break hardly seems to have slowed her down. Currently, Aria is obssessed with puppies, Elmo and just yesterday "Yo Gabba Gabba!" She loves to dance and sing and her favorite song is 'Baby Baby, Baby' by Justin Bieber. I am not kidding. She asks for it and sings along! LOL

As for Mike, it has been just over a year since he moved from IBM to Great West Life. He is quite happy and we attended the Children's Christmas Party just last weekend. Lots of fun! He continues to bake bread but not quite as much as his quest for health has led him to believe that too many grains aren't good for us. So, we all eat a little less bread. He is looking forward to going to the Grand Canyon at the beginning of February with his dad and siblings. They will be celebrating Bob's 60th birthday.

As for me, I stay busy. I ran my first 10k in August and it felt great! Now that all of my running has to be done inside I've let it slide for now. I also escape once a week to Pilates but am hoping to do it a little bit more in the new year. I have also started to sub a little bit again and am pleased to say that there is little to no anxiety on the part of Maya or myself. : ) Mike and I hosted the 3rd annual Georgia's Journey of Hope this year. We managed to raise approximately $12 000. It continues to be a labour of love.

We are looking forward to escaping some place warm in the next couple of months but have yet to book. The season is just keeping us so busy!

From our home to yours - Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Love Kristen, Mike, Calla, Maya, and Aria

18 months

Well, today Aria is 18 months old and such a big girl. I have had lots of messages over the last week asking how her arm is doing and I am pleased to tell you that it is healing really well. Last night she wrestled it out of her sling (as the doctor warned me that she would) and woke up this morning happy to try using it. She is still not putting any pressure on it but was lifting it above her head to reach for something and was using it to help carry stuff around. Not bad for 13 days! LOL

At 18 months Aria is a very busy little girl, always trying to keep up with her big sisters. She has become quite the parrot. Calla and Maya love trying to get her to repeat all kinds of words. She has even started stringing some together. The most common phrase is, 'What's dat?' and 'I go outside'. The funniest phrase however is when she gets this mischevious look on her face and starts walking backwards singsonging the words, 'I can get you!' meaning 'you can't get me!' She thinks that it's so funny when we go chasing after her.

Before she broke her arm I was going to put her on bobskates because she is desperate to be out on the ice with her sisters but I think that I'll wait until after Christmas. We don't need any more breaks.

Aria just loves books at the moment continually pointing and asking, "What's dad?" In the last week she has decided that she wants to be a part of the big girl story time in Calla and Maya's room. I knew that it was bound to happen soon but she is just getting so big so fast!

Here she is sitting with Daddy and her sisters before bed. You can see that her arm is free!

Love to you all,

Kristen

Poor Aria!

As many of you that follow us on facebook already know, Aria had a bit of a rough day today. Just before 8:00 this morning she climbed up onto and then fell off of our piano stool. Unfortunately, she fell backwards onto the hardwood floor and must have twisted her arm. I was actually in the kitchen at the time but the second that I saw her I knew that she had broken something. It was actually a sickening sight.

Thanks to some very kind friends it took me less than half an hour to have Calla and Maya packed up and taken care of for the day. I then placed my baby into the van and started the well known route to Children's. I kept reminding myself that this was a very different scenario than two and a half years ago. While Aria was obviously in pain, she is healthy and I had no reason to believe that she wouldn't make a full and complete recovery. Her injury had in fact taken place because she is such an active kid.

To be quite honest, I just went into 'auto pilot' mode. It was actually almost too easy. I don't have to even think about which way to drive. I pulled up into the Emergency loop where Mike met me and I carried my baby through the doors. Mercifully, there were no doctors or nurses that I recognized. We were checked in immediately and seen right away. As Aria screamed and cried through her x-rays I gave thanks that they weren't x-raying her lungs. When I saw the break on the screen I wanted to cry but instead reminded myself that she would heal.

Later as the ortho guy wrapped her arm into a special sling I again gave thanks that I was about to walk back out the hospital doors with my daughter in my arms - no special equipment needed or a ride in an ambulance, just the three of us.

We were actually home before lunch time and Calla insisted on coming home to see Aria. I think that she was really worried. Maya was really worried too but was disappointed that Aria didn't have a cast she could sign! LOL At supper time we all talked about the many things to be grateful for today - the fact that Aria was okay, the amazing friends that dropped everything to help us, the doctors that took such good care of Aria, all of the messages of concern and support and of course, the little girl whose life and death continually reminds us to be grateful for everything!

Aria is now sleeping. She has a really bad cold on top of her broken arm so I'm not sure how long it's going to last but I'll take it. When I think about my life with Georgia or all of our friends that are fighting for their kids' lives every day I know that today was actually... a good day.

Love to you all,

Kristen

Halloween Fun

We've been pretty busy having fun around here the last week. Calla and Maya have been so excited about Halloween. They had lots of opportunities to wear their costumes from dance class, to Boo at the Zoo, and Halloween parties. My beautiful and sweet butterfly and peacock were replaced this year with a 'Batterina' and a 'Vampiress'. Maya actually wanted to be a bat but we couldn't find a costume to fit her. The Batterina outfit seems to suit her way better anyway!

Here she is riding the carousel at Boo at the Zoo. It was actually quite chilly that night as you can see by the mitts and coat.

Decorating her princess pumpkin.

Calla wanted to decorate her pumpkin as a cat. She doesn't remember doing the same thing two years ago. Oh well!

This picture was taken just before the trick or treating began. Maya put on her butterfly costume to stay warm. She doesn't like the look of Batterina over her coat! LOL

What a difference a year makes. Last year Aria was a tiny baby in the bucket seat and this year she is walking everywhere.

Aria actually loves dressing up. Here she is wearing Calla's old peacock costume. I posted this picture because she is actually smiling. It's a hard shot to get as she normally becomes quite serious when she sees the camera.

This is Aria's offcial costume. She actually loves it and has been insisting on wearing it around the house. This picture was taken at gymnastics. Isn't my little strawberry cute?!

Happy Halloween!

Love to you all,

Kristen

Three

Georgie would have been three years old today. It is a heavy day for me, full of all kinds of 'could have beens'. I wonder what she would have been like now. Would her hair have lightened up like her sisters'? Would she be quiet and cautious like Calla? Mischievous and dramatic like Maya? Playful and determined like Aria? Would she be smart like her dad, stubborn like her mom? Would she sing like an angel?

It hurts to ponder all of the things and yet I can't help myself. We carry Georgia with us each and every day. I am as aware of her birthday as I am of her sisters. I wish that I could smile and celebrate with others but it is still too painful. We will escape again today and celebrate our girl in our own way.

While I find today quite painful, I have only to look at some pictures from 3 years ago to see see the JOY.

Happy Birthday Georgia Lily! We miss you so much!

Georgia's Journey of Hope 2011

Well, despite the lower numbers this year we still managed to raise at least $8500 including our online donations. Thank you to everyone who donated, came to have fun, wore a t-shirt or simply told somebody about SMA. Thank you as well to everyone who has sent emails and offered words of encouragement.

We will definitely do it again next year but are hoping that we will be able get a few more families in through the door. The only way to ever end SMA will be to continue educating others and trying to raise funds. I am very open to any suggestions anybody has regarding the event and would love to hear your feedback.

I will try to post some pictures in the next few days.

Love to you all,

Kristen