I woke up feeling well rested this morning. I had three kids to get ready and 19 five year olds that would be waiting for me by 8:30. Ready or not there was no pause to my morning. I was focused on not just getting through but on being present. I wanted to be able to smile and to laugh. I have a great life and a job that I truly love. Not one day goes by that I am not grateful.
Georgia was on my mind from the second I opened my eyes. This is not a new or strange feeling to me. Most of the time it is comforting. Today however, I had to keep pushing her out. Today is a heavy day and I wanted to be a good teacher and a good mom to all 4 of my girls. Do you know how hard that can be sometimes?...
I did a really good job this morning. While I avoided the memories, I made breakfast and got ready. I chatted with Calla and brushed Aria's hair. I made sure Maya was organized for this afternoon. I went to work and I had fun with my students. I smiled, ALOT. I am pretty sure I must have laughed too. I was a good teacher despite of what I was carrying in my heart.
And then with my few precious moments this afternoon came the rush of memories and the flood of tears. The weight of having said good bye on this date is crushing - literally it is a feeling of heaviness in my chest. And for a few moments I let myself be lost in it. I let the pain crush me and the memories overwhelm me.... I wrote years ago about the feeling of being hit by a truck and it still holds true. I can get up much faster now but I'll never get off the road.
But now, Aria is waiting to play a game and shortly I will pick up Maya to take her to a dance competition. The sun is shining and if I am quiet I can hear the birds chirping. I am excited for Maya. I don't want to just sit and watch her dance. I want to have fun with her and celebrate these moments.
I want to be present for all my children and celebrate them always. So now, like any other grieving mother with living children I wipe away my tears. I brush my hair and slap a smile on my face. It will take a few minutes but eventually the smile will feel genuine. The feeling of my heart being crushed will ease slightly and I'll go on with my day. I know this to be true because grief and I have become well acquainted. It has been seven years and I will forever be a mother of 4.
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