Four Years Gone

'In the green of the grass... in the smell of the sea... in the clouds floating by... at the top of a tree...in the sound crickets make at the end of the day...

"You are loved.  You are loved.  You are loved," they all say.

....................

You are my angel, my darling, my star...and my love with find you, wherever you are.

You are loved.'

Remembering you today and everyday Love Bug.

Kindergarten

Today marks the first day of kindergarten registration for Fall 2013.  I can list off at least ten little ones I know that will be registering.  It's an exciting and emotional time for them as well as their parents.  Four years ago I had a friend register Calla for kindergarten as I was in the PICU  with Georgia.  I didn't even have time to choose which school, never mind sit back and consider what a huge step my daughter was about to take. My little girl barely spoke the first half of kindergarten, only starting to share after Christmas that year.  : (

I registered Maya two years ago and was excited for her as I knew that it was going to be a great experience for her.  Her teacher was amazing and understanding and I knew that she would help to build up Maya's confidence.  She did!  Maya made some fantastic friends and is a little social butterfly.

Had Georgia lived, I would have been registering her this week.  I am having a hard time listening to people feeling sad about having to register their 'babies'.  I  feel awful but I don't have a lot of sympathy. I know that it can be hard for some of them but  I don't even have a child to register.

Love to you all,

Kristen

Calla at 9

Dear Calla,

At 9 years old you are wise beyond your years.  You are calm and practical, and seem to know yourself better than a lot of 29 year olds.  You are sweet and you are kind.  You are an amazing big sister!  I love to watch the way you stand with your arms outstretched in front of Maya when you go to cross the street.  I love the way you get right down on your knees to talk or play with Aria.

At 9 years old you are bright and happy.  You love to sing and dance and play.  You love animals especially your dog Cocoa.  Cocoa is always the first person/being you greet when you come in.  You never complain when asked to do something for Cocoa and you love to take her outside to play.  Your love for animals just seems to be a part of who you are and you still want to be a vet when you grow up.

At 9 years old your favorite color is purple.  You prefer to wear jeans to dresses and don't really care how you have your hair.  Your strawberry blonde hair falls down your back in a mane of beautiful waves.  People are always commenting on it.

This past year you have started going on sleep overs and you love to spend time with your friends.  You have started talking more at school and singing all the time.  You have clear opinions of your own and accept those of others without hesitation or judgement.

You are growing up before my eyes and much faster than I could have ever imagined!  Sometimes I'd love to hit a switch and stop time for just a few moments - to truly have a good look at you.  You are changing so fast and I want to know you always.  You are still a little girl and yet I see that you already know so much about the world.  A tween you are now called!

At 9 years old you are a light in my life - as you have been from the moment I knew I was carrying you.  As you continue to grow and change I need you to know that my love for you never does.  I am so very grateful that you call me 'Mom'.

Love Mom

Always Loved

Aria is now the same age that Maya was when Georgia was sick.  I look at Aria and can't imagine leaving her and yet that is exactly what I did to Maya and Calla.  The memory is clear in my mind.  I had loaded Georgia into her carseat and was about to place her in the car to take to the hospital.  My mom had literally just walked up.  There on the driveway, I hugged Calla and Maya and told them I'd be back later that day.  I left on March 16th and except for a few trips home to shower I didn't return for almost three weeks.

Looking at Aria today I wonder how I could have walked out on my then two and just turned five year old.  I wonder what it has done to them emotionally and how it will affect them in the future.  It's funny how I know that one decision I made will impact them for the rest of their our lives.  The sad part is that I know, if placed in the same position again I would do the exact same thing.

Taking care of a very sick child changed me.  It made me prioritize things and people in my life - even my children.  As parents we all know that when one of our children isn't well, they get more of our attention.  When children are hospitalized and possibly dying the case becomes even more extreme.  I realized in those first few days that my time with Georgia might not be very long and so I poured all of my love and attention onto her.  I was desperate for her to understand that no matter how short a life she had with me I LOVED her and would always do so.

In the end, that meant almost ignoring my other two beautiful girls that I loved equally.  I left them for others to care for.  I regret not being able to care for them during that time and yet I know that I would never have forgiven myself if Georgia had died anywhere except in my arms.  Now I just have to hope and pray that Calla and Maya will grow up knowing that I have given them all that I could - that I continue to pour all of my love and attention on them every day.  I need them to understand that I have always loved them just as much and have given them all that I am.

Love to you all,

Kristen

Heavy

It's hard to believe it's March already...again.  I love the fact that March brings with it warmer weather even if it brings lots of snow.  It brings back the geese, the birds and the sunshine.  It means we get outside to play more and chat with people in the neighborhood.  Calla celebrates a birthday in March and so does my dad.  March should be such a happy month...

The girls are all doing great.  Calla's teacher told me last night how excited she is to see Calla so happy and willing to share in class. Maya's teacher recently told me that if I hadn't told her she suffers from anxiety, she'd have no idea.  Aria is approaching three and is starting to become a lot more social and independent.  My girls sing and dance and laugh.  They love to play in the snow and get together with friends.  It has been almost four years but I can truly say that my children are thriving!  I should feel so happy...

The arrival of March has brought with it a heavy feeling.  I look around at my life and think about how blessed I am and yet I feel the heaviness of grief.  I have moments where I feel angry and don't understand why.  I have moments where I just want to to curl up and hide.  Some days I feel so overwhelmed I'll find myself looking at the clock counting the hours until the day ends, tomorrow should surely be better.

Grief is such a funny thing.  One minute laughing with joy and the next sobbing with sadness.  Over the last several months I have caught glimpses of the person I once was, 'confident and happy go lucky'.  That is actually how people used to describe me!  The weight of grief takes away those glimpses.  Sometimes leaving me to wonder if I ever really was that person never mind if I'll ever find her again.

I had thought that at four years I could face the memories with confidence and grace and instead find myself crumbling - wondering how I will get through.  Oh, I know I will.  That is one thing that I have learned.  You just keep going because you have no choice.  Maybe, that is why I came back to the blog.  When life has been overwhelming it has always been a safe place to express myself.

Love to you all,

Kristen

Looking Back

January

                                                              February - Mexico

                                                                          March

                                                                          April

                                                                        May

                                                                            June

                                                                             July

                                                                          August

                                                                       September

                                                                          October

                                                           November - Disney World

                                                           December - Christmas Day



Christmas 2012

Sometimes I find it's easiest to just let the pictures do the talking.

As you can hopefully tell Christmas was a joyous occasion in the Lucas House. 

Love to you all,

Kristen

Maya's Book

Recently, a bored Maya took a few pieces of paper, folded them in half and announced that she was going to make a book.  She spent ages drawing pictures and writing but I had no idea what she was actually working on.  The next day she came up and proudly presented me with 'My Family Book - by Maya'.

Page 1 - This is me. (picture of herself in a yellow dress)

Page 2 - This is my sister Calla. (picture of Calla in a blue dress)

Page 3 - This is my sister Aria. (picture of Aria on the swings in a purple dress)

Page 4 - This is my mom and Cocoa. (picture of me in blue and green with Cocoa)

Page 5 - This is my dad. (for some reason Mike is drawn among the flowers)

Page 6 - This is my Angel. (baby Georgia with wings)

Page 7 - This is my family. (All of us including Georgia)

Maya's book is full of colors and details.  When I read it the first time I teared up because I realized that despite suffering from anxiety since Georgia's death she has a strong idea about family.  If you look at the book it appears brightly colored and detailed - a happy story.

Maya's teacher told me the other day that she has shown no signs of anxiety at school.  In fact, Maya is a social butterfly who loves to dance and sing.  She is still nervous about new situations and me leaving her but for the most part she is thriving.  The book that she made is my little treasure.  It reminds me that she is going to be okay.  That is the best gift that she could have ever given me. : )

Love to you all,

Kristen

Four

Ahhh Georgia. Four years ago today you joined our family and we couldn't have been happier, so beautiful and perfect... We had no idea how short your stay would be with us or that we would never even celebrate your first birthday with you. In your short lifetime you taught so many about the power of generosity, faith and love. You still do. As we mark your fourth birthday without you I realize that there is no anger or confusion anymore. The sadness remains, a huge ache in my chest that feels so much larger on a day like today. Besides happy birthday there is only one thing left to say: Thank you Baby! Thank you for joining us and helping us all to become better people. We will mark your birthday with gratitude and do our best to celebrate your very beautiful life.

Love to you all, Kristen