Five years ago, on this day, when the veil between this world and the next was opened, I knew that you had chosen your time. In those brief moments, even as I held you in my arms I saw you before me: a smile on your face, a skip in your step as you lifted your hand ever so slightly to wave. There was joy on your face even as my heart was breaking, and I knew that you were finally free from the bonds that held you so still here on earth. Knowing that you were free and had known only love allowed me to say good bye.
While over the years I have made peace with much of it, the world since losing you has become that much more confusing and sometimes painful. 'Let go of the things you cannot change.' 'Forgive yourself.' 'Be grateful.' These are the catch phrases of the day and truly words to live by but I still have days where I want to rage at the world! You taught us all so much about love but not how to let go. How do I let go of a part of myself, of my heart? Could I have fought harder for you? What do I do with all the 'missing'?
I miss your smile and your giggle. I miss holding your hand and giving you a bath. I miss watching your sisters play with you. I miss watching your daddy hold you. I miss holding you. You would be 5 today. Would you have gone to kindergarten or would we have home schooled you? Would you have loved music as much as you did? Would it have been Mozart or Katy Perry? Would your hair be long like Rapunzel's? What would your favorite color be? Your favorite tv show? Who would your friends be? Would you be shy or outgoing? I miss knowing all of this.
I hope that I am right. I hope that you left feeling loved and that I had not given up on you. I would be happy to be fighting alongside of you right now. I let you go because I knew I had to but that doesn't mean that I wanted to. I let you go to fly free but know that I will spend every day of the rest of my life missing you.
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