Welcome to Georgia's Journey

Georgia Lily Lucas was born at home on October 6th, 2008 4:15am, in Winnipeg, Manitoba. She was diagnosed with SMA (Spinal Muscular Atrophy) on April 1, 2009.

On April 3rd Georgia was taken home, to be near her sisters and the rest of her family and friends. Nearly three weeks later, on April 21, 2009, she died peacefully -- in the loving arms of her mother and in the same room in which she was born.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Coulda, Shoulda, Woulda

Today is the first day of fall, and as we inch closer to Georgia's birthday my emotions become more and more volatile. It seems that the tears are always there, just below the surface ready to flow with less than a moment's notice. Plans for the fundraiser are well underway and I am expecting it to be another success... yet I still have my moments.

Yesterday, as I rushed around trying to drop off flyers to be displayed I started to feel frustrated. I wonder who will even bother to read them? Who will come because they see a poster? Today, as I was driving to the grocery store I started to really feel sorry for myself. I started thinking about how I should be planning a second birthday party, how I could have been making an appointment to get Georgia's portraits done, how I would have been helping her to pick out the perfect birthday cake.

When I'm in the car alone I can throw myself a pretty big pity party. : ) Then it hit me. The 'coulda, shoulda, wouldas' will serve me no purpose. Dwelling on what I would have been doing if Georgie was still alive isn't going to help me carry on. It's certainly not going to help me do anything in her memory.

Learning to live in the moment is not easy. In fact, I think that's it's one of the harder lessons that I will ever learn. I am really trying though. It's scary to let go of the 'coulda, shoulda, wouldas' because for some reason it feels like if I do I a may start to forget Georgia. If I don't stop to dwell on what kind of cake she may have wanted or who her friends would have been then she'll think that I have forgotten about her. Absolutely untrue of course. It's just hard to stop.

As the pity party came to an end I started to refocus on what I am doing and what I will do. I am putting on a fundraiser and doing my best to promote it, all in the name of my daughter. I will celebrate her birthday every year and mark every milestone if only silently to myself. I will continue to share her story and those of other little SMA warriors and angels. I will allow myself a pity party once in a while but I have to let go of the 'coulda,'shoulda, wouldas'. Then and only then will I be able to truly live up to my potential and understand what I am meant to do next.

Love to you all,

Kristen



3 comments:

  1. I can't even imagine how these special days bring the raw emotions back out...missing Georgie every day is tough enough but marking milestones without her in your arms is another thing. I too wish you were picking out a cake with Georgia but I know you will pick out the best one to celebrate her life, her love and all that she is still teaching us. Hugs and love always, Em

    ReplyDelete
  2. It would have been the twins 3rd birthday this year and I still had a meltdown when I least expected it. ((Hugs)) Looking forward to Georgie's party!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Your strength never ceases to amaze me, Kristen, and I am honored to share in your story, if just in a small way. Thank you.

    Hugs.

    ReplyDelete