A New Day Has Come

November 27th, 2009

It was already almost 4:00 when the phone rang that Friday afternoon. I was busy trying to get Calla ready for her dance class. It was a dark and cloudy day and that suited my mood just fine. I was resigned to the fact that I would have to wait until at least Monday before they told me about the baby I carried. I was trying to stay busy but the fear just kept creeping in.

When the phone rang I assumed that it would be someone else but I immediately recognized the number and my heart literally skipped a beat. The butterflies were instantly felt in my stomach and for a moment I was almost too afraid to answer. "Hello." "Hi, Is this Kristen?" "Yes" "Kristen, I'm calling with good news!"

The butterflies were gone but then the tears started. Poor Calla and Maya started to panic when they saw mommy crying. I kept telling them that I was crying because it was good news but they didn't quite understand. The phone call was relatively short. I was told that the baby did not have SMA several times because I kept saying, "Really?" I could hardly believe it. And then, just before I said good bye I asked if she knew the gender. She replied in the affirmative and asked me if I wanted to know. So, within a few minutes I was explaining to Calla and Maya that they would have another baby sister and she did not have the same disease as Georgia.

This was followed by a phone call to Mike (still at work) and then my parents. We were then off to dance. Ken Blue was out fiddling with all of the Christmas lights and decorations but I almost drove off the road when I saw the twinkling stars lit up. They hadn't been lit since Georgia's funeral. For those of you that don't know the Blues kept their star lights lit every night that Georgia was alive, well into spring. I know that I was not the only person that ended up staring at them, reminded of the compassion and hope that lives even in the face of tragedy.

November 27th was a new day. A year later it is now a happy anniversary for me. One that I look forward to right before throwing myself into holiday preparations. It's funny, I've never been a huge Celine Dion, but the lyrics in one of her songs always reminds me about learning that I would be a mother to one more child.

Let the rain come down and wash away my tears
Let it fill my soul and drown my fears
Let it shatter the walls for a new sun
A new day has...come

Where it was dark now there's light
Where there was pain now there's joy
Where there was weakness, I found my strength

A new day has come

Don't get me wrong. I still miss my Georgie every day. She would be almost 26 months old now. I'd love to be Christmas shopping for her. I'd love see her playing in all of the snow. I'd love to be taking her to Tiny Tots and singing songs with her. I'd love to see her in a Christmas dress, in a sled, in skates, in a snowsuit... but a new day has come and I am so grateful.

Love to you all,

Kristen

6 months

Today our Aria is six months old. Last year on this date I was afraid to even imagine what it may be like to have a six month old baby again. But here she is!

We smile when she smiles, we laugh when she laughs and we rejoice when she cries ever so loudly.

Love to you all,

Kristen

Dark Days

A year ago yesterday, I got up early (like 4 AM early) drove to the airport and took off for Toronto. I went to have a CVS test done on Aria to find out if she had SMA. I was home in time to have a late supper and put the girls to bed. It was a cool blustery day but the sun was shining. It's funny. I wasn't nervous about the test at all. I sat in the waiting room reading a book and then went for lunch afterwards before returning to the airport. I even picked up a new book while travelling because I had finished the first.

We would wait 11 days for the results and those 11 days were some of the darkest of my life. While, I had never really been nervous about the test, the results terrified me. How would we handle another child with SMA? What would that do to the girls? What would that do to us,.. our parents,.. our friendships? Would we try to move down to the States? Would we sell our house? What would that do to the girls?

The questions and uncertainties were without end, and for 11 days my world was dark. It didn't help that it was November. November just happens to be dark and gloomy with the first snow storms always threatening. My mother's instinct told me that the baby was fine and over the years I have learned to trust that instinct but, SMA is HUGE! It had come into my life once and shattered my world. The pieces hadn't even been put back together and I was afraid that it would be shattered again. I was afraid that if it did happen again I wouldn't be able to put any of the pieces back together. This time the grief would not only swallow me whole but leave me in a pit of despair that I would never again climb out from.

It didn't help that almost nobody knew. I didn't want to answer questions when I wasn't prepared to answer them. I didn't want to have to look Calla and Maya in the eyes and say, "I don't know." It was all still too fresh. I'm sure some people thought to themselves that we should have waited. Georgia hadn't been gone very long after all. I'm sure others thought that we should just have counted our blessings - two healthy kids. And others probably thought that we had no business getting pregnant when we knew that there was a possibility that we could bring another child with SMA into the world. How cruel and selfish! Thank you to all of you that may have thought any one of these things and kept them to yourself. I was not ready to hear them last November.

During those dark days I kept reminding myself why we chose to have another child. If we truly believed that Georgia was a gift and her life was full of meaning then why wouldn't we want to have another child, with or without SMA? Why wouldn't we want to try one more time so that Maya could practice being a big sister in her every day life? If we truly believed that the only way to live is to push out the fear and embrace love then we had to try at least one more time.

Don't get me wrong. As I said, I was terrified as I waited for those results. At times the darkness was almost unbearable but in the end we had our answer. Aria Evangeline would be born without SMA. They say that it's always darkest just before dawn and sure enough the dark days would come to an end. Just like that my world changed yet again.

Love to you all,

Kristen

Whispers

All of my girls are different but I can't help but compare them. At the age Aria is now Georgie had already been admitted to hospital. She'd already had several colds and seemed to be getting weaker by the day. She had never been able to roll around, crawl or even hold her head up. She had never even tried to eat food. Aria, on the other hand does all of these things...well we're still working on the crawling but she gets around. She also tries to throw herself out of the bouncy chair and almost swung herself out of her carseat the other day (just in the kitchen). She can sit up but prefers to throw herself forward in an attempt to crawl - even if she is surrounded by toys and pillows. It's actually quite funny! I don't know that she'll ever sit still! : )

Sometimes I think that Georgie is there whispering in her ear. "Go for it!" I could swear that she encourages Aria to do all of the things that she never got to experience. Remember how Georgie loved her swing and especially her mobile...

Look at this picture!

It's actually hard to tell from the angle of the shot but that's Aria reaching out to touch her mobile. And yes, she grabs it quite regularly. : )

I may not be able to hear the whispers but Aria is always there showing me what she can do. She continually reminds me that each one of these new little skills aren't little at all. Aria is as headstrong and she is physically strong and while the toddler years frighten me a bit, I plan on savouring every moment - reminding myself that there may just be a driving force behind my little "mover and shaker".

Love to you all,

Kristen

Holiday Shopping

I know that it's still early and I have no problem admitting that I am a real procrastinator but the holidays will be here before we know it and some of you are already shopping. Being the procrastinator that I am, I haven't started but always tell myself that I'm going to. For any of you that do some or all of your shopping online please consider using ShopToEndSMA.com They have hundreds of businesses listed, including many Canadian ones, that will donate a percentage of your purchase to The Gwendolyn Strong Foundation.

It's super easy. Just go to ShopToEndSma.com and find the merchant that you were considering ordering from. From that point on you just shop like normal and feel good that you are helping to fund critical research for SMA.

Happy Shopping! I'll let you know if I actually get started before the end of November!! : )

Love to you all,

Kristen

Halloween

I know that I am a little bit late but I still wanted to share some of our Halloween fun! On Friday night we headed out to Boo at the Zoo with some friends.

Here are my little peacock and butterfly just getting out of the van.

Calla and Maya's friends had the exact same costumes which made it extra fun and oh so cute!

We had to make an impromptu stop on the way home because Aria was screaming to be fed. Mike took the girls into Old Navy while I sat in the van with Aria. Calla and Maya thought that it would be fun to pose with the mannequins. Many of the shoppers thought that it was fun too! : )

Here is our little caterpillar looking non-too impressed with her outfit. She only wore it for a few minutes as it seemed to 'cramp her style.'

Just before Calla and Maya went trick or treating I managed to snap a few shots of all three girls.

All in all it was a fun weekend. We were all busy but the absence is always felt. I am glad that October is over and that it ended on such a positive note. Oh yeah! My mom's hair raiser is now over $5000 thanks to some generous friends. : )

Love to you all,

Kristen

Betty's Hair Raiser

Well, my mom made it back from her holidays and today was the big day. The three choices were to shave her head bald, to shave it into a mohawk or to keep her hair. Mohawk won by a a land slide! : )


Here are my mom and our amazing friend and hair dresser Carmen about to get started.

The mohawk actually looked really good on my mom and probably woudn't have attracted a lot of attention so...

Let's throw a little purple in there!

Let's also remind everyone why her hair is purple!

A little cuddle with the grandbabies afterwards!

A HUGE thank you to my mom for having the courage to do this. She raised over $4700 for SMA research. Isn't that awesome? Who knew that her hair could be worth that much!! Another thank you to all of the people that donated and of course to Carmen for coming out and doing whatever it was that needed to be done! I don't know many people that could pull off a purple mohawk but mom you look AWESOME!! Georgie would be so honoured!

Love to you all,

Kristen

A Nutty Story!

Wow, has it really been a week since I last posted? Calla and Aria have had bad colds since Friday so it has meant very little sleep around here. They both seem to be on the mend now so hopefully we'll all be in the clear for a while. Just as I'm writing this however, Mike is sniffling and complaining that he isn't feeling very well. Argh!! I hate cold and flu season.

Since there isn't much else to report I thought that I would share a funny story with you. When I was in kindergarten I went for allergy testing. At the time they tested me for all kinds of things and one of them was peanuts. My mom was told that I was very allergic to them and that I should stay away from all nuts. As the years went on my allergy to peanuts seemed to get worse. Even the smell started to bother me and I started to carry around an epipen. I accidentally ate a peanut butter cookie once and the reaction was instantaneous.

Every time that I went out to eat I always had to ask if there was any nuts and sesame seeds for that matter as I now have a severe allergy to those to0. There's no Thai food around here! : (

Fast forward more than 25 years - my mom starts talking about how healthy almonds are. I reply that I know but I'm allergic to nuts. Then my mom says, "Well actually I'm not sure that you are allergic to nuts. They only tested you for peanuts and told us to just stay away from the other nuts. Aren't peanuts a legume anyway?" (Please take a minute now to sit in stunned silence as I did)

WHAT!!!! I was never tested for tree nuts? I have spent pretty much my entire life avoiding all kinds of foods because of nuts. Now, I know that it wasn't my mom's fault. I don't really think that they had differentiated between peanuts and tree nuts at the time so I understand but - WHAT??!!!!

So, anyway I went out and bought some almonds... and I ate the almonds. In fact, I have eaten hundreds of almonds in the last month! : ) I really like almonds! Today, I decided to try walnuts. Guess what? I can eat those too! My plan is to slowly try all of the tree nuts. Anyone who has severe allergies can understand how life changing this is for me.

So that's my story.

Love to you all,

Kristen

Aria

I admittedly have written very little about Aria. There are many reasons/excuses for this - none of which I am proud. Some of my crazy head talk includes thinking that Georgia may think that I have forgotten her or found some kind of replacement. I have also considered the idea that some people that are grieving the loss of a child or have a child with SMA may not want to hear all about Aria. I also know that despite the fact that everyone always says that you shouldn't compare your kids, I do - ALL THE TIME. I just can't help it! I don't love any one more than the other. They're all different and I think about how they are the same and how they are different every day. Aria, having three older sisters gets the most of this.

Aria is now almost five months old. She is actually the spitting image of her sister Georgia except that she doesn't have the same thick head of hair. A doctor from the hospital recently met her and looked like he had seen a ghost. He even made reference to the fact that she has the same eyes as her angel sister. The difference however, is that while Georgia's eyes were calm and full of wisdom, Aria's are mischievous and determined.

Aria is quick to smile but slow to laugh. She seems to save her laughter for her sisters. She is always entertained when Calla and Maya are around. She is a very content baby for the most part but quite serious. She is always busy but is also very calm. She only ever cries if she needs something and is easily soothed.

Aria is strong. She rolls from her back to her stomach and brings her knees up. The other day she was reaching out for the blanket trying to pull herself forward. She has also started to roll in one direction. I could just see all of the neurons firing in her brain as she figured out that she could actually move towards something. Man, am I in trouble! : ) The first time that I put her in her exersaucer, she stood up straight to look around...and I cried. She also likes to bounce around in the jolly jumper and every once in a while I have to catch my breath.

There is my baby girl with big blue eyes reminding me that life is good. There is my baby girl reminding me to slow down and take a breath. There is my baby girl forcing me to continually remind myself about what is important in life.

The word aria of course means a melody and our Aria's melody is just so sweet. I truly believe that Georgia is nothing but thrilled for us. Because Georgia knows my heart she understands that the joy I find in everyday with her sisters will never mean that I have stopped missing or loving her. And, while I find October an especially hard month I am just so grateful to the continual surprises that my girls, but most of all Aria keeps showing me.

Love to you all,

Kristen

We're Back

Well, I know that I have been letting the blog slide a little. The fundraiser kept me quite busy and then we decided to take off. I find Georgia's birthday really hard and wanted to get away so we went out to the mountains for a few days. It worked out well that it was Thanksgiving long weekend. We've been back just over 48 hours and things are finally starting to settle down. Mike is even back to work on Monday so we really will be back to 'normal'. As promised here are a few pictures of the girls.

Calla's first day of school.

Maya's first day of school.

Aria, showing off her GSF beanie. Check our those eyes!

Reading on the counch.

Oh yeah! Maybe the biggest news in Calla's young life...She finally lost her first tooth!! : )

Love to you all,

Kristen