Today Mike and I took the girls down to Assiniboine Park to cheer my mom over the finish line at Challenge for Life. It was a walk done with all proceeds going to Cancer Care Manitoba. My mom chose to walk the 20km in honour of my cousin Nicki who has been battling Hodgkins Lymphoma. She just celebrated her 21st birthday last month and we are all now hoping that the cancer is in remission. The four of us had a great time. The girls had their faces painted, played in the bouncer and took in a Fred Penner show.

Despite the walkers raising over 1.2 million dollars Assiniboine Park was very quiet. They had live performers on the stage starting at 11:00 and there was almost nobody around to watch. When we sat down to watch Fred there was only another dozen people sitting in the vicinity. There was a group of cheerleaders to greet the walkers as they started down Victory Road (the last half kilometre) but there was literally nobody at the actual finish line. One poor couple was about to keep on walking before I told them that they were done. They looked around kind of surprised and headed for one of the tents.

This had me wondering. Why weren't there more people around to cheer the brave walkers on and take in the free entertainment? Was is just a lack of advertising as someone suggested to me? I've been hearing it on the radio for the last couple of weeks myself. My mom finished the walk with two of her teammates and there was nobody there to greet them. In fact, most of the people that finished had nobody there greeting them. You'd think that all of the people that sponsored them and care about them must know something about it. Are we all just tired of the fundraising walks? It's pretty early in the season to be feeling tired in my opinion.

Or, have many of us decided that once we've donated "our money" we've done our duty and can now move on? I really hope that's not the reason. While money will buy us treatments and cures it's only people that will bring us hope. Regardless of the lack of people we had a nice day and were so proud "that Grandma was walking to help make somebody who is really sick get better." Love ya mom! You too Nicki!

Love to you all,

Kristen

PS No sign of JackBugsStanley the last couple of days! : )

The Quilt

Thank you Auntie Mary Lynn! Georgie's quilt is beautiful and a gift that will be treasured for the rest of our lives. It is a star pattern quilt with all of the stars being made out of Georgia's clothing. I can look at each of the stars and picture Georgia in the outfit that matches the material. The back of the quilt is actually made out of one of Georgia's crib sheets. It has purposefully been left unwashed and if I find the right spot I can still draw up clear images with a single breath. Today, Calla picked up the quilt and held it up to her face before exclaiming, "Oh my gosh, it smells like Georgia!"

At the bottom right hand corner of the quilt is a picture of Georgia. She is 3.5 months in the picture with her hands and feet in the air. It is my favorite picture of her before SMA ravaged her little body. It was taken by a photographer who was trying to get her to smile. All of a sudden Georgie looked at something invisible to most of us and her face lit up. The photographer snapped a few photos and then asked me, "What is she smiling at?" To which I replied, "Her spirit friends of course. Haven't you ever noticed that small babies see things that we don't?"

For the record, Calla and Maya had spirit friends too but they seemed to disappear around 4 months. Georgie's friends always stuck around. Of course, I now understand why. Don't believe me? Pay close attention to babies between two and four months. You may be surprised! Cats will freak you out if you pay close attention to them!

Love to you all,

Kristen

PS I'm honoured to know that you're following Sarah. I will be forever grateful for your beautiful smile and sneaky cuddles.

I'm no Elmer Fudd but...

I had wanted to write about the beautiful quilt that arrived yesterday but Mike is out for the evening and I don't know how to post the pictures so I will do that tomorrow with his help. Just know that this morning as I lay on my couch still fighting a nasty cold, I wrapped myself up in it and it felt soooo good!

As I mentioned previously, we now have a troublesome little bunny in our yard. I walked out into the garden this afternoon to find that he had chewed off the top of one of my stargazers. The tulips and shrubs are one thing, but by chewing up my lilies this little trouble maker is asking for a fight. Don't worry all of you animal lovers I'm no Elmer Fudd so I went out and bought some blood meal as someone had mentioned. I have always avoided chemicals and such in my yard so many of the repellents scare me a little. They did have coyote urine however...apparently this is the natural choice. Ummmmm...still not there and if this little critter makes me pay a bunch of money for pee I just may be calling Elmer Fudd. The next option is finding a humane trap for it and releasing it a couple miles away.

I've been thinking alot about what Georgie may be saying about this whole situation. I picture her wagging her little finger at the bunny for upsetting mommy and then smiling and dancing around because he is "so cute!" Calla has decided that we just need to put a scarecrow in the yard. : ) As much as I consider this little guy a pest he is keeping me on my toes and I am considering giving him a name. Any suggestions?

AS for the birds, they continue to visit. Thank you to all of you that offered suggestions for the type of bird that I saw but none of them are correct, at least so far. I have made peace with the fact that I may never know what I saw. Perhaps they don't truly exist. I'll describe them one last time however, they had powder blue heads, and I mean their entire heads, front and back down to their necks. Their chests were a creamy white and their backs and wings were beige. I haven't seen them again and I don't really expect to. I consider them a gift like so many other little things in my life. They showed up when I most needed them to and I haven't needed them since. Instead, I have robins, sparrows and bright yellow finches visiting everyday. The robin sings a beautiful song every morning and then a different one in the evening. I consider him a gift too.

Apology

Firstly, allow me to apologize. My post entitled The Blog was not some kind of trick to find out who reads our blog. Thank you to those of you that did identify yourselves but that was not my intention. The beauty of the blog is that you can remain unseen and unheard until such time as you need to be recognized. For many people that may never happen. I myself, follow several blogs and rarely comment.

I don't have much to say tonight as I am not feeling well. My parents are returning tomorrow from an overseas trip. On their way back they have picked up the beautiful star quilt that my aunt made out of Georgie's clothes. I can't wait to wrap myself up in it. Hopefully, I'll be feeling better tomorrow and will post some pictures of it.

It continues to be cool and rainy. I was excited to see several of my lilies starting to grow but there is also a very cute and troublesome little bunny in my yard. Does anyone know any tips to deter bunnies without hurting them or fencing off the entire garden? That would kind of defeat the purpose of making a garden beautiful.

Love to you all,

Kristen

Tree Planting

Today we went over to my friend Kim's place, more specifically Kim, Patrick, Jesse and Noah's place. They have a rather large lot that they are in the process of landscaping. Being the ever creative and thoughtful individuals that Kim and Patrick are they decided to plant one beautiful tree for each of the families that they hold close to their hearts. Each child also got to paint a large rock and place their name on it. The rocks will be placed at the base of their family tree. As any new children arrive as they inevitably do, there will be more rocks to paint. Our family tree is a beautiful pink flowering crabapple. I picked this one for obvious reasons but also because it is the one that stands next to Georgia's memorial tree, again Kim and Patrick's idea. Georgia's tree is a beautiful ivory silk lilac. It stands next to the beautiful angel bench that Kim had made. When Lacoste's Garden Centre heard about Kim and Patrick's amazing plans they donated the tree. Thank you!

This afternoon was spent planting trees, painting rocks and catching up with friends. The kids all had a blast running around and jumping in the bouncer. (here's a link to bouncy castle video) Thanks for setting it up Patrick! Kim and Patrick have worked tirelessly over the last few weeks to make this afternoon happen. We will always remember today and we look forward to making many more memories in their beautiful backyard. Thank you Kim and Patrick.

For those of you wondering, yes Kim is also the person responsible for collecting toys and money for The Children's Hospital. Our friends are often angels in disguise!

Love to you all,
Kristen

The Blog

When I first started blogging the reasons for doing so were straight forward and clear. The blog was a place to keep family and friends from near and far updated on Georgia's condition. It was a place for people to ask questions and leave comments. Lately, I have been asking myself why I continue to write. Writing is therapeutic for me but I could just as easily write in a journal. Obviously, there are still a few people following but truthfully I have very little idea who reads this unless you leave a comment or email me. I'm pretty sure that Mike's Nanny Connie still follows. I just want you to know that even if you were the only reader Connie I would still write for you. I know how far away you feel and how you must worry.

The most important reason that I can think of to keep writing is for Calla and Maya. When they are old enough they will find a most significant piece of their childhood to be documented. That's really special to me but there is still something more. Since Georgia's diagnosis and passing I have felt myself being pulled along a path not of my choosing. It feels a little bit like I have been thrown into a river without sides. At times I am able to float lazily along with the sunshine on my face and at others I am left to thrash helplessly in the water just trying to keep myself from drowning. To try to go back would be futile and escaping is hopeless so I continue to be pushed/pulled along. Now, I'm not sure why but this blog has become part of that river. For all of you that continue to follow I have no doubt that you too feel or will feel part of this 'pull'. Destination? Still unknown.

Love to you all,

Kristen

PS We are off to do some very special tree planting today.

Lessons From the Gym

As many of you know I have started going to the gym, mostly to run off my anger. I have never been much of a runner. I can sprint for short distances (fastest kid in fourth grade thank you very much) but don't ask me to run further than a couple hundred metres. I could list a bunch of lame excuses but I'm not going to bother. Running requires discipline and controlled breathing similar to swimming. Let's just say that I am not a very disciplined person. Since I started going to the gym a few weeks ago I can now run a mile and a half before walking for a couple minutes and then starting up again. Not great I know, but not bad either. Along the way I have learned a few hard lessons about running on a treadmill especially if you are a grieving mother.

Number 1 - Letting tears fall on the treadmill is okay because nobody looks at you anyway. Sobbing on the treadmill is not good because if you're asthmatic you are one tiny step away from hyperventilating and people will notice. I only ever came close.

Number 2 - Never try to open your Sigg water bottle and take a big sip while you are actually running. This could lead to water down your shirt or worse yet the bottle slipping out of your hand and spilling all over the moving belt before shooting out behind you and hitting somebody in the leg. Yes, this actually happened to me! : )I should point out that it's not a sippy top.

Number 3 - Never try drinking water going down the stairs after a hard workout for similar reasons to above. I came close but managed to keep the bottle in my hand.

Number 4 - Always make sure that you know what time the gym is closing. You could end up in the whole place alone because the staff are too polite to tell you it's closing time.

Number 5 - Never try to walk on the treadmill backwards at a high speed especially if you are just trying to jump on off of the sides. Picture it!

Number 6 - When the sweat is pouring down your back and you can hear your heart beat in your head think of how hard a wee babe worked to breathe and keep on running for another minute. So easy!

Number 7 - Laugh at yourself! Life is still fun!



Love to you all,

Kristen

Summer Planning

Mike and I have slowly started talking about summer plans. He really wants to go to Calgary this summer and I can't think past Sunday for the most part. This is the season, especially in Canada where all of the outdoor runs, walks, golf tournaments etc. for charity happen. The walk for SMA done here in Winnipeg called Quinn's Quest is not happening this year. I don't have all of the reasons why and don't want to be the annoying person asking too many questions so I have decided to let it go. If anyone knows the exact reasons I'd love to know. If it is a matter of volunteers I am pretty confident at this point that I could help in that area. There is a sister run done in the Toronto area called the Rebecca Run. www.rebeccarun.com Mike and I briefly discussed going to do this but with the money spent on flights for four and hotel rooms we'd be better off just donating the money.

I have decided to let this summer go and focus on the fall. We are hoping to have some kind of fun filled family day at the beginning of October to honour Georgie's birthday. Keep it in mind as we are hoping to have lots of people.

Our friends the Strongs are going to be taking their daughter Gwendolyn on a 5 000 mile journey across the Southern States to meet family. They are hoping to raise 50 000 dollars for the Gendolyn Strong Foundation. Got 10 Bucks?...wait maybe 11 with the current exchange rate. They are asking for 10 dollars a mile. If you are interested check it out at www.gwendolynstrong.com or sponsoramile.com

Love to you all,

Kristen

Love or Fear

Tonight, I ended up watching part of this program on PBS with a guest speaker by the name of Dr. Wayne Dyer. One of the things that he said stuck with me as I tried to go to sleep. He said that there are really only two emotions, love and fear. Everything that is love cannot be fear and everything that is fear cannot be love. I found his idea particularly interesting because I remember one night in the hospital talking to Mike. We decided that we could not continue to live in fear with regards to Georgia nor could we base our decisions regarding her care on fear. All decisions would have to be made out of love even when the options were terrifying.

The ramification of our discussion and resolution was particularly apparent on the day that we were leaving (April 3rd). The EMTs had just walked into the room with the stretcher and we were preparing to leave. I said a silent prayer that my daughter would at least make it home. Immediately thereafter, I was struck by a moment of panic. What would I do if she crashed on the way? Dying in a moving vehicle strapped down to a stretcher was too nightmarish to truly imagine so instead I told myself that if Georgie started to have trouble on the way home I would tell the driver to stop and I would just pick her up. You see all that we were left with was love.

Many people tell me how much they enjoyed reading about the time that Georgie was at home. Those 17 days were the best and worst of my life. I'd be a liar if I said that fear wasn't often present but we had made a pact with each other and our daughter that we would love her. Loving her meant enjoying her and keeping her happy. She was never happy in that hospital room despite the excellent care provided. Loving her meant letting her be with her sisters, grandparents, aunties, uncles, relatives and friends. Loving her meant rejoicing in every moment we had with her and every breath that she took...

Loving Gerogia means getting up every morning and trying to smile. Loving Georgia means finding a way to laugh everyday. Loving Georgia means loving her sisters and her daddy. It means treating people with kindness and never, never judging anybody. It also means letting go of the anger that sometimes threatens to consume me. I could list a hundred ways to continue loving Georgia. She represented everything good in this world. Georgia continues to lead all of us on her journey. She is ever present as we make decisions for better or worse everyday. While I struggle to make even the simplest of decisions some days I can feel Georgie's love and strength as she leads me. I once wrote that we were clearing the way for her but that is no longer true. Not only does she lead, she clears the way for all of us that choose to follow.

Love to you all,

Kristen

Superslide

Yesterday we went to Tinkertown with our friends the Robinsons. For those of you who don't know Tinkertown it is a kids' amusement park on the outskirts of Winnipeg. The girls absolutely love it there. They ran from ride to ride with their friends Hannah and Eva with little Ethan close behind. I had the opportunity to experience two rides. Being the sucker that I am, and having a rather strong stomach I ended up on those crazy spinning apples with all 5 kids. Poor Ethan didn't really like it. I actually didn't mind it.

Immediately after the apples the kids decided that they wanted to go down the Superslide. You know that giant yellow slide where you have to sit on potato sacks. Being scared of heights I was hoping that my husband would take the lead on this one but Maya insisted that it be mommy. So I followed the girls up and placed Maya on my lap and then it happened... For those brief few moments that I was sliding with my giggling daughter I was free! There was absolutely no grief, only a child and her mommy experiencing the joy of flying down a giant slide. I can't actually describe the sensation. I have only ever experienced it a few times in my life. It was amazing!

After Tinkertown, we all went for a late supper at BPs. The meal was quite chaotic being that we had 5 tired and hungry kids, and yet so much fun. Ethan decided that he loved the spinach and artichoke dip and when I didn't get him more dip fast enough he launched a chip at me. Great shot Ethan! The server seemed unfazed by the craziness of our party. Eventually everyone was fed and ready to leave.

To say that I didn't miss Georgia and think about her countless times throughout the day would be a lie and yet I knew that she approved of our fun. I have no doubt that she smiled as mommy went down that slide.

Love to you all,

Kristen