Tonight, I ended up watching part of this program on PBS with a guest speaker by the name of Dr. Wayne Dyer. One of the things that he said stuck with me as I tried to go to sleep. He said that there are really only two emotions, love and fear. Everything that is love cannot be fear and everything that is fear cannot be love. I found his idea particularly interesting because I remember one night in the hospital talking to Mike. We decided that we could not continue to live in fear with regards to Georgia nor could we base our decisions regarding her care on fear. All decisions would have to be made out of love even when the options were terrifying.
The ramification of our discussion and resolution was particularly apparent on the day that we were leaving (April 3rd). The EMTs had just walked into the room with the stretcher and we were preparing to leave. I said a silent prayer that my daughter would at least make it home. Immediately thereafter, I was struck by a moment of panic. What would I do if she crashed on the way? Dying in a moving vehicle strapped down to a stretcher was too nightmarish to truly imagine so instead I told myself that if Georgie started to have trouble on the way home I would tell the driver to stop and I would just pick her up. You see all that we were left with was love.
Many people tell me how much they enjoyed reading about the time that Georgie was at home. Those 17 days were the best and worst of my life. I'd be a liar if I said that fear wasn't often present but we had made a pact with each other and our daughter that we would love her. Loving her meant enjoying her and keeping her happy. She was never happy in that hospital room despite the excellent care provided. Loving her meant letting her be with her sisters, grandparents, aunties, uncles, relatives and friends. Loving her meant rejoicing in every moment we had with her and every breath that she took...
Loving Gerogia means getting up every morning and trying to smile. Loving Georgia means finding a way to laugh everyday. Loving Georgia means loving her sisters and her daddy. It means treating people with kindness and never, never judging anybody. It also means letting go of the anger that sometimes threatens to consume me. I could list a hundred ways to continue loving Georgia. She represented everything good in this world. Georgia continues to lead all of us on her journey. She is ever present as we make decisions for better or worse everyday. While I struggle to make even the simplest of decisions some days I can feel Georgie's love and strength as she leads me. I once wrote that we were clearing the way for her but that is no longer true. Not only does she lead, she clears the way for all of us that choose to follow.
Love to you all,
8 Years an Angel
2 weeks ago