Welcome to Georgia's Journey

Georgia Lily Lucas was born at home on October 6th, 2008 4:15am, in Winnipeg, Manitoba. She was diagnosed with SMA (Spinal Muscular Atrophy) on April 1, 2009.

On April 3rd Georgia was taken home, to be near her sisters and the rest of her family and friends. Nearly three weeks later, on April 21, 2009, she died peacefully -- in the loving arms of her mother and in the same room in which she was born.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Confessions

Tomorrow will mark nine weeks that Georgia is gone. That makes it day 62 as I write this. I still find myself looking around and wondering where she is and how she can possibly be gone. At night, I lie in bed and wonder how my heart is still beating and my lungs are still filling with air. Calla announced yesterday that Georgia should just tell God, "I quit! I don't want to be an angel any more. I want to go home." Calla was quite pleased with this idea even though she understands that Georgia can't come back.

As day 63 approaches I have a few confessions. I no longer go to the cemetary every day. There are many reasons for this but mostly because I don't feel her presence there any more than anywhere else. I still go regularly however because I really do like it there. The other day Calla was walking amongst all of the grave markers asking me to read the names. Sigh... just like her mom I guess.

The anger that once threatened to consume me has dissipated for the most part. I am proud of this fact as I have worked very hard to let it go. I no longer run with my hands clenched in fists even though there is a part of me that hates running. The effect that is has on my psyche however is undeniable so I will keep doing it. I now have Mike's ipod as he got a new one for Father's Day (Ipod Touch). This makes running a little more enjoyable as I let the music motivate me when my mind no longer will. I am now running over two miles without pausing. I am hoping to be running more than three by the end of summer.

While I still laugh and play with my kids I am often in another place. My mind can just do that now. Calla says at least once a day, "Mommy, did you hear me?" To which I often reply in the negative. I can be in one place and have no clue what people are saying. I have actually forgotten whole conversations with people. And, while I don't take pride in this I have stopped apologizing to people. This is who I am now. Will I be like this forever? I don't know. I'd like to believe that I'll become a better listener but I offer no guarantees. I can only promise that I will continue putting one foot in front of the offer and learning from every lesson life has to offer me.

Thank you Carling and Tinsley who raised over 400 dollars at their birthday party for Families of SMA Canada. (edit: pictures now! The party was at Morden's chocolates, yum. - Mike)


Love to you all,

Kristen
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4 comments:

  1. Mandi SilvariJune 23, 2009 at 12:05 PM

    Reading your postings every day (or as often as you post) inspires me every day and I often reflect on things you have said in the past as they seem to stick with me. My thoughts are with you always.

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  2. LorraineJune 23, 2009 at 9:34 PM

    Awwww...Kristen, my heart breaks for you.

    I think of you all throughout my day...

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  3. AnonymousJune 24, 2009 at 9:58 AM

    Calla's idea of Georgia telling God that "she quits" was sweet and sad at the same time. You can see the innocence in it and how she misses her baby sister and just wants her home. Kids have such a different way of expressing feelings, but a way we can all relate too! A child's mind is an amazing thing, I wish we could all see the world as they do sometimes!

    Kristen, I am glad you are taking one step at a time. Bruce has always said you are such a strong person and I hope you are realizing you are even stronger than you ever thought possible. I know with every breath you are taking without Georgia here that it is FOR Georgia, for Calla, Maya and Mike and that they are all helping you to continue along. I am also glad you are doing things for YOU, so important and I'm glad you are seeing that although you hate running, it is helping you deal with your anger and the stress of it all-keep it up, I'm really proud of you!

    As for the not listening, I can only imagine the swirl of thoughts and emotions going on inside your head every second of every day. I am glad you aren't apologizing anymore, it is who you are at this moment and I do believe you will 'get better' with it as you would like. It will take time but the thoughts will start to slow down. You will never stop thinking of Georgia, of SMA, of how your family would have been, could have been...but I have no doubt it will slow down eventually and let you have more of your "own thoughts" once again.

    No matter what, no matter who you become, we will always love you and be there by your side. Em

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  4. AnonymousJune 25, 2009 at 10:09 AM

    my heart hurts for you everday... there is not a day that goes by that I don't think of you, mike and the girls and wonder how this happened to such good people and what gods plan is (he has to have a plan). I hold my own family tighter and I will confess to watching my girls sleep.
    my love and hugs always
    Vanessa

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