Tomorrow will mark nine weeks that Georgia is gone. That makes it day 62 as I write this. I still find myself looking around and wondering where she is and how she can possibly be gone. At night, I lie in bed and wonder how my heart is still beating and my lungs are still filling with air. Calla announced yesterday that Georgia should just tell God, "I quit! I don't want to be an angel any more. I want to go home." Calla was quite pleased with this idea even though she understands that Georgia can't come back.
As day 63 approaches I have a few confessions. I no longer go to the cemetary every day. There are many reasons for this but mostly because I don't feel her presence there any more than anywhere else. I still go regularly however because I really do like it there. The other day Calla was walking amongst all of the grave markers asking me to read the names. Sigh... just like her mom I guess.
The anger that once threatened to consume me has dissipated for the most part. I am proud of this fact as I have worked very hard to let it go. I no longer run with my hands clenched in fists even though there is a part of me that hates running. The effect that is has on my psyche however is undeniable so I will keep doing it. I now have Mike's ipod as he got a new one for Father's Day (Ipod Touch). This makes running a little more enjoyable as I let the music motivate me when my mind no longer will. I am now running over two miles without pausing. I am hoping to be running more than three by the end of summer.
While I still laugh and play with my kids I am often in another place. My mind can just do that now. Calla says at least once a day, "Mommy, did you hear me?" To which I often reply in the negative. I can be in one place and have no clue what people are saying. I have actually forgotten whole conversations with people. And, while I don't take pride in this I have stopped apologizing to people. This is who I am now. Will I be like this forever? I don't know. I'd like to believe that I'll become a better listener but I offer no guarantees. I can only promise that I will continue putting one foot in front of the offer and learning from every lesson life has to offer me.
Thank you Carling and Tinsley who raised over 400 dollars at their birthday party for Families of SMA Canada. (edit: pictures now! The party was at Morden's chocolates, yum. - Mike)
Love to you all,
8 Years an Angel
2 weeks ago