Lucky Daughter

I have an amazing mom. She is generous beyond words, ready to drop whatever she is doing to go out and help another individual. She canvasses for diabetes and cancer. She volunteers through her church and other organizations. She loves to feed people. She has us over for dinner twice a week. I'm pretty sure that she doesn't enjoy cooking so much as she just enjoys her family. She also pops in a couple times a week just to say 'hi', drop something off or give me a 'break.' She bakes the most delicious cinnamon buns ever! She gives the best hugs ever! She is compassionate and warm always wanting to help.

My mom has more energy than most people I have ever met. Several years ago she thought that she would take up running and within a couple of months she ran a half marathon. Keep in mind that she was already at least 50 by then. : ) She still runs for fun but she also swims, does zumba and weights. She was taking yoga but gave that up this session because she was a little bit busy. LOL

When I was little my mom stayed home to raise us and took in some of the neighborhood kids to help make ends meet. Living on one income means having to make sacrifices. When I look back, I had no idea that we didn't have a lot of money. Our house was full of joy and love and sibling rivalry. : ) We had home cooked meals almost all of the time and always sat down at the table as a family.

When my brother and I were both in school full time my mom went back to school herself and earned a college degree. I can't imagine how exhausting that must have been. She was still cooking all of those meals and baking those cinnamon buns. I also don't think that I'd have the courage to go back to school at this stage in my life but I admire my mother for showing me that it can be done.

I'm pretty sure that the most important thing that my mom has taught me besides making my family a priority is to just be myself. I am so lucky to have such a good mother. These lyrics often remind me of my mom.

......
I've got a good mother,
and her voice is what keeps me here.

Feet on ground,
Heart in hand,
Facing forward,
Be yourself. Jan Arden

Happy Mother's Day Mom! You're the best!!

Love Kristen

Lucky Mom

I know that I am lucky despite the fact that I have lost a child. I try to count my blessings every day and continually remind myself what is important. I am far from perfect and sometimes get caught up in the little things. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed and frustrated. I sigh when Maya asks for another band aid, Calla still isn't ready or Aria is up yet again.

What I find amazing however, is that these little beings really do appreciate every thing I do. How do I know this? Well, they aren't always saying thank you, or putting their toys away. No. They don't remember to bring their dishes to the counter or throw their clothes in the hamper. No. They certainly don't eat the meals I prepare every day without complaining. No. Half the time they don't even remember to flush! : ) How do I know?

Well, it's the way their faces light up when they see me after only being apart for an hour. It's the way that they reach for my hand when they are unsure or bury their face in my shoulder. It's the way that they blow me kisses and say good night at least ten times. It's the way that they look to me for reassurance and guidance. It's the way they repeat what I say to others (not always in the most flattering way). They will ask me if I am happy, angry or sad. They will hug me and throw themselves at me sometimes when I least expect it. They love me just as much as I love them.

Calla came home on Friday instructing me not to look in her bag. She had a surprise for Mother's Day. Later on after she had removed the surprise I went through her stuff. I found a paper entitled 'Six Thing I love about You!' I asked her if it was part of her surprise. "Nope", she said. "You can read it now!" I tried to take a picture of it to post but the glare from the camera kept washing it out so I am retyping it here. [edit: I've scanned it so you can look at the message in Calla's printing below... -Mike]

Six Thing I Love about You!

I Love the way You cook. I Love wen you cook pasta. I Love how you bake me short bread cookies. I Love You. I love how you hug me and kiss me every day. I love that you are my mom because I Love you and you are the best mom in the world!
Love Calla

See... Three beautiful girls here on earth and one in Heaven watching over all of us. I am a lucky mom to be so loved.

Love to you all,

Kristen

Reflection

I know that it has been a while since I last posted. We are all well. We escaped own to the States for Georgia's angel date without too much trouble. The main highway had been opened on the way home and it was like driving through a lake. There was water as far as we could see on both sides of the road. Because of the floodway, Winnipeg has been spared from a disaster but the communities up north are now under siege.

April has become my quiet month, my Georgie month. I gave myself permission this year to just be. This meant doing a little bit less than usual but it also gave me time to reflect and find calm. Along the way I was interviewed for the Children's Hospital Radiothon airing today, as well as for a piece in the Children's Hospital Annual Report. I had several messages on Saturday from people telling me that they were greeted in the morning by Georgie's beautiful face. The fact that so many of you are quick to recognize her is an amazing feeling. It reminds me that I must be doing something right. My daughter is not forgotten.

May arrived with a dumping of snow but we were also able to attend a memorial at the hospital in memory of all of the young lives lost. We didn't make it last year but were so grateful that Georgie was included again this year. We had a chance to meet some other families and the girls came home with a bunch of flowers and balloons.

Now that we are well into May my quiet month is over. It is time to move forward. May is a big month in our family this year. Aria will be turning 1 on the 22nd. Mike and I are thrilled to be celebrating such a milestone with our little girl. A party is being planned. : )

Love to you all,

Kristen

Always Loved

Until we meet again...

Surrender

The morning of April 20th Georgia had developed a fever. She had just finished a course of antibiotics but new ones were ordered and started. Later that day her fever broke and she was like a new child...or more like the one that we once knew. She was full of smiles and had found her voice again. I have clear memories of those few hours with her. We sang songs and she rode in her swing. I just wanted to savor every moment with her and stop time. Here was my beautiful, happy baby full of energy and having fun. April 20th would be Georgia's last full day on earth. Those moments that we had together would be the last time that I would see Georgie smile, or even open her eyes.

Her breathing became more and more labored through the night. The next morning she seemed calmer but my instincts were telling me otherwise. I knew that when the time came that I wanted Georgia to be in my arms. I wanted her to understand that she was loved beyond measure. It wasn't long before the curtain between this world and the next was opened wide. I so desperately wanted to keep her here but I knew that my job now was to surrender.

Georgia's life and death were beautiful. The memories that we have of her we cherish. The pictures that we have of her we treasure. We watch for signs of her everywhere, from the dozens of birds that visit our yard to the sound of the wind chimes when there is no breeze. We continue to tell her story so that others will know her, understand her...remember her.

We carry her in our hearts every second, of every minute of every day. We continue to fight to end SMA. We talk about her daily. We miss her terribly.

Letting go of Georgia was the hardest thing that I have ever done. I am learning however that the only way to truly find peace is to trust in something greater than myself and to truly surrender.

Love to you all,

Kristen

Our Little Bunny

Check out Aria in her new bunny hat. Isn't she cute? The hat was purchased in conjuction with the Gwendolyn Strong Foundation so that cute little number is actually a donation to help end SMA. Click here if you'd like more information. Love to you all, Kristen

Quiet

The days have been flying by lately. Yesterday I felt like I couldn't keep up with the clock. It seemed to be moving way faster than I was and I felt like I was moving quickly! In my last post I wrote that we have been quietly keeping busy. I wrote the word quiet because that is how it feels when I am not reliving every moment that I had with Georgia. Of course, she has been on my mind. She is always on my mind but this year I find myself feeling much calmer as we approach her angel date.

Calla and Maya have been having a bit of a hard time, especially at night. Calla has been up in the night crying because she misses her sister and Maya has been up with nightmares. It's funny how even though Mike and I haven't said anything, as soon as Calla's birthday is over they start to 'feel' things. I am pretty sure that Maya has very little memory left of Georgia but the minute spring arrives she starts to change. Calla too has become quiet again. Not quite as obvious as last year but she is definitely more subdued.

We are hoping to escape next week but with all of the flooding we don't actually know that we'll make it to the States. We don't even know that we'll make it out of the city, so extensive is the flooding. We'll find some way of getting away however.

Every once in a while I feel guilty that I haven't been more upset. Sometimes I think that I should be feeling sadder or having a hard time but right now I am feeling calm. After losing a child I am very aware of how life can take one dramatic turn after another - how one day you think that life is perfect and then the next... Right now I am enjoying the calm. Today and hopefully tomorrow, I am enjoying the quiet of my life.

Love to you all,

Kristen

We have been quietly staying busy around here the last couple of weeks. The weather finally warmed up earlier this week only to greet us with below zero temperatures this morning and a windchill!! No fun. At least we've had the bikes out for a couple of weeks now. It's kind of funny that my kids have had to take off their toques to put on their helmets and then they ride around with their mitts on! : ) Mike's sister Peggy came out for a visit over the weekend and to celebrate Mike's birthday which we did on Monday. I'm pretty sure that his favorite gift is a book about breadmaking!! He also requested one on pizza dough but doesn't seem quite as excited about it. Bread making has become his passion and I'm not complaining!

Mike and the girls with his birthday pie.

This one I just put up for fun. Check out the teeth! : )

Love to you all,

Kristen

Shattered

If I had only one word to describe April 1st 2009, it would be 'shattered'. Just after lunch we would receive Georgia's diagnosis. SPINAL MUSCULAR ATROPHY. In that moment it was like somebody had taken a sledge hammer to my fragile glass life and smashed it into a million pieces. It would turn my world upside down and cause me to question everything I thought I had ever known. How was this possible? How could these doctors be telling me that my beautiful, perfect little girl was dying? How had I unknowingly passed on this horrendous terminal disease? How would we care for her? How would we care for Calla and Maya? Why was this happening? Did we do something to deserve this? How would we all survive?

The palliative care team would arrive shortly after the team meeting. Somehow this team of two would start to answer some of these questions providing us reassurance and a new sense of hope. I am still struggling with some...okay many of the answers even two years later. Every once in a while I will feel that sense of panic and see my life in a million pieces. Every once in a while I will doubt myself and the decisions that we made regarding caring for Georgia.

I continually remind myself that all of our decisions were made out of love. All of the decisions that Mike and I continue to make with Calla, Maya and Aria continue to be made out of love. I know that we didn't do anything to deserve this. I know that we will all survive. More than ever, I know what hope and forgiveness are. I now understand that even though our family's life was shattered that fateful April 1st and again on the 21st, it is love that not only puts the pieces back together but it holds them in place. That bond is stronger than ever.

Love to you all,

Kristen

Milestones

Well, yesterday marked ten months for Aria. When people ask about her I find myself constantly saying, "Aria is EVERYWHERE!" She now pulls herself up onto anything higher than her knees and cruises around the furniture. She also crawls up the stairs and would love to have the opportunity to go down them head first but I put my foot down!! : ) She absolutely loves the vacuum. In fact, I'd venture to say that the vacuum may be her best friend. She giggles and gets excited the minute that she sees it and laughs out loud if the girls play with her and the toy one.

Today is my dad's 65th birthday. We celebrated with balloons, steak and lobster and of course, a gift certificate to Golf Town! My dad seems a bit sheepish about celebrating. Two years ago there wasn't alot to be happy about. The day was overshadowed by Georgie's illness and hospitalization. We were still waiting on results but all knew that there was something seriously wrong. 65 is a huge milestone however and Georgie would love to know that we were all together today.

Happy Birthday Dad! Happy Birthday Grumpa! We love you and want to celebrate many, many more birthdays together.

Love to you all,

Kristen