Heavy

It's hard to believe it's March already...again.  I love the fact that March brings with it warmer weather even if it brings lots of snow.  It brings back the geese, the birds and the sunshine.  It means we get outside to play more and chat with people in the neighborhood.  Calla celebrates a birthday in March and so does my dad.  March should be such a happy month...

The girls are all doing great.  Calla's teacher told me last night how excited she is to see Calla so happy and willing to share in class. Maya's teacher recently told me that if I hadn't told her she suffers from anxiety, she'd have no idea.  Aria is approaching three and is starting to become a lot more social and independent.  My girls sing and dance and laugh.  They love to play in the snow and get together with friends.  It has been almost four years but I can truly say that my children are thriving!  I should feel so happy...

The arrival of March has brought with it a heavy feeling.  I look around at my life and think about how blessed I am and yet I feel the heaviness of grief.  I have moments where I feel angry and don't understand why.  I have moments where I just want to to curl up and hide.  Some days I feel so overwhelmed I'll find myself looking at the clock counting the hours until the day ends, tomorrow should surely be better.

Grief is such a funny thing.  One minute laughing with joy and the next sobbing with sadness.  Over the last several months I have caught glimpses of the person I once was, 'confident and happy go lucky'.  That is actually how people used to describe me!  The weight of grief takes away those glimpses.  Sometimes leaving me to wonder if I ever really was that person never mind if I'll ever find her again.

I had thought that at four years I could face the memories with confidence and grace and instead find myself crumbling - wondering how I will get through.  Oh, I know I will.  That is one thing that I have learned.  You just keep going because you have no choice.  Maybe, that is why I came back to the blog.  When life has been overwhelming it has always been a safe place to express myself.

Love to you all,

Kristen

Looking Back

January

                                                              February - Mexico

                                                                          March

                                                                          April

                                                                        May

                                                                            June

                                                                             July

                                                                          August

                                                                       September

                                                                          October

                                                           November - Disney World

                                                           December - Christmas Day



Christmas 2012

Sometimes I find it's easiest to just let the pictures do the talking.

As you can hopefully tell Christmas was a joyous occasion in the Lucas House. 

Love to you all,

Kristen

Maya's Book

Recently, a bored Maya took a few pieces of paper, folded them in half and announced that she was going to make a book.  She spent ages drawing pictures and writing but I had no idea what she was actually working on.  The next day she came up and proudly presented me with 'My Family Book - by Maya'.

Page 1 - This is me. (picture of herself in a yellow dress)

Page 2 - This is my sister Calla. (picture of Calla in a blue dress)

Page 3 - This is my sister Aria. (picture of Aria on the swings in a purple dress)

Page 4 - This is my mom and Cocoa. (picture of me in blue and green with Cocoa)

Page 5 - This is my dad. (for some reason Mike is drawn among the flowers)

Page 6 - This is my Angel. (baby Georgia with wings)

Page 7 - This is my family. (All of us including Georgia)

Maya's book is full of colors and details.  When I read it the first time I teared up because I realized that despite suffering from anxiety since Georgia's death she has a strong idea about family.  If you look at the book it appears brightly colored and detailed - a happy story.

Maya's teacher told me the other day that she has shown no signs of anxiety at school.  In fact, Maya is a social butterfly who loves to dance and sing.  She is still nervous about new situations and me leaving her but for the most part she is thriving.  The book that she made is my little treasure.  It reminds me that she is going to be okay.  That is the best gift that she could have ever given me. : )

Love to you all,

Kristen

Four

Ahhh Georgia. Four years ago today you joined our family and we couldn't have been happier, so beautiful and perfect... We had no idea how short your stay would be with us or that we would never even celebrate your first birthday with you. In your short lifetime you taught so many about the power of generosity, faith and love. You still do. As we mark your fourth birthday without you I realize that there is no anger or confusion anymore. The sadness remains, a huge ache in my chest that feels so much larger on a day like today. Besides happy birthday there is only one thing left to say: Thank you Baby! Thank you for joining us and helping us all to become better people. We will mark your birthday with gratitude and do our best to celebrate your very beautiful life.

Love to you all, Kristen

Pictures

We took the girls to have their pictures taken at Sears yesterday. It was quite funny because we had a very uncooperative two year old. In fact, she wanted to wear her Backyardigans pyjamas! In the end we got a few cute group shots but my favorites are the individuals. At the last minutes I grabbed a couple of the scarves my mom and aunts have been knitting and wrapped them around Calla and Maya. Here are the results.

Hope all the family and friends enjoy! I am sorry I haven't updated more. I know that you enjoy the pictures! : ) Love to you all, Kristen

Hopeful

Somehow summer has flown by and we are already back into the fall routine.  With that routine comes preparations for Georgia's Journey of Hope and a flooding of memories.  How naive and hopeful I was hugely pregnant with my third child.  It seems odd that it was 4 years ago when sometimes it feels like yesterday.  In the last few months I have found myself almost back in that same place.  Not pregnant and no longer so naive but hopeful.

I am excited watching my girls grow and change.  Calla is now in grade 3 and Maya in grade 1.  We're only in the second week but they are both happy and adjusting well.  I love to watch Maya, my once anxious and fearful child, running around on the playground with her little buddies.  She has discovered a real love of dancing and has chosen to take a couple of extra classes on her own without a teacher or friends that she knows.  I admire her courage and desire to do something that she loves.

Calla has lots of friends at school too and although she remains quiet she does really well academically.  She continues to dance as well.  She doesn't always like to try new things but has opted to join her friends in a hip hop class this year.  She tells me that it's hard but fun and she wants to continue.  Calla also swims like a fish and she will start swimming with the swim club in October.

Aria is in dance and gymnastics.  She is in the terrible twos stage but somehow makes me laugh on a regular basis.  She still loves music and says the funniest of things.  Today when I went to take her out of the van she said, "Mommy,  My legs don't work anymore!  Carry me!"

As many of you know, Mike has been doing really well with his running.  He ran the half marathon in June placing 30th among 3000.  Then last month he ran a 10k and came in first.  A few days ago he again placed first in his age group running a ten miler.  He always runs in his Never Give Up shirt available through the Gwendolyn Strong Foundation.  He considers it good luck!

We are planning a trip to Disney in November.  I don't know if I have ever been so excited for a trip in my life.  For those of you that know me, you know that I have traveled quite a bit.  I am also looking forward to subbing this year yet again.

So life is good and full of joy.  I am hopeful and yet always surprised how grief can suck the life out of me.  Yesterday after handing out brochures all evening for GJOH and chatting to people about the event I was physically and emotionally exhausted.  Then of course, I couldn't sleep.  Insomnia!  I had almost forgotten about you!  Now I am trying to shake off the fatigue and the heaviness but know that it will probably stick with me until October 6th, the day my little girl would have been 4.

September 30th we will be celebrating that beautiful little girl.  Join us!

Love to you all,

Kristen

Look Who's 2!

It's hard to believe but our Little Miss Aria turned two years old today.  I don't think that she fully understands it yet but she picked out her birthday cake and even sang happy birthday to herself! LOL 

 Here's our little dolly!

 She insisted on having the 'back and yewow bumble bee.'  It turned out pretty cute.  Not sure why blogger turned it.

 Nothing like cake on your birthday!

Love to you all,

Kristen

Adults too!

While I used the girls as my models the scarves are definitely designed for adults.  Little girls can wear them too but I just want to make sure that everybody understands.  My mom can make shorter ones for little girls as well.

Love to you all,

Kristen