A Long Week

Well, yesterday we finally managed to take the girls out for dinner and celebrate Calla's birthday as a family. We were supposed to go out last Monday but Calla picked up a really bad cold. Because she is asthmatic she gets hit pretty hard and often gets a fever. By Tuesday however, her fever had broken and I thought that she was on the mend. Wednesday she still seemed quite sluggish but we had everything ready to go back to school that evening. Thursday she came downstairs, lie down on the couch and her fever was up over 103.

By Thursday evening I fully admit that I was fighting anxiety. Maya also had a fever at this point and I was worried that Calla was developing pneumonia. Nightmarish memories of Georgia in hospital kept threatening to overwhelm me as I tried to stay calm and rational. Friday morning Maya was showing signs of recovery but Calla still didn't look good so Mike took her in. She didn't have pneumonia but the doctor thought something was brewing so he started her on some antibiotics - first time in her 7 years.

Yesterday morning she was a new kid again! : ) I am now breathing a sigh of relief regarding my own children but am saddened to learn that another kiddo earned her wings on Friday. You can learn about Ashley's story by clicking here or on the link entitled Our Two Angels on the right hand side.

Give your little ones and extra hug and kiss tonight. They really are so precious!

Love to you all,

Kristen

St. Patrick's Day

Happy St. Paddy's Day!!

Calla and Maya are both resting so I have only one Irish baby to show off today!

Love to you all,

Kristen

2 year ago

Two years ago today I placed Georgia in her bucket seat for the last time and walked into Emergency. I left the girls with my mom and would not return home for 18 days (at least to stay). I would not be fully present in Calla and Maya's lives for weeks. The memories are hard to think about and yet they are ever present.

I had hoped to celebrate Calla's birthday today as she has been sick since Sunday but she still wasn't well enough. Instead, I spent the day inside with all three girls. It felt good in many ways. We had no place to go and really nothing to do except to be together.

After supper I took Maya to Old Navy because she really wanted a St. Patrick's Day shirt. : ) It was raining and she was absolutely delighted. She squealed with delight when she saw a patch of grass or we hit a giant puddle. When we got there she insisted on putting up her umbrella even though it was only sprinkling. We didn't find a shirt in the end, but we had lots of fun looking around.

It's funny how something as simple as a trip to the store with Maya can make me smile. She was in such a good mood that it was contagious. At some point I realized how lucky I am that Maya can still be such a bundle of energy and enthusiasm. Two years ago I left her and she would change in a way that left her hard to recognize. Today however, she was the Maya I once knew - Self confident and fun, easy going and full of laughter, ready for adventure and mischievous.

As the memories start to come hard and fast as I know they will, I am going to hold onto my evening with Maya. Moving forward isn't always easy but with Maya around she's practically pulling me along. : )

Love to you all,

Kristen

PS Calla is feeling much better tonight and we are hoping that she will be back to normal tomorrow.

7 Years Old!

Calla,

At seven you have discovered the world of silly bands, sketchers, DSIs and BFFs. In the last year you have grown into a self confident girl who knows how to do and get what she wants. You have started to question the world, wondering if Santa and the Tooth Fairy could possibly be real. You could walk to school by yourself but allow me the pleasure of accompanying you. You are a very kind little girl who always looks for the best in people. You are a hard worker who always has time to help others.

At seven you can now read simple chapter books, ride a two wheel bike and do an awesome cartwheel. You can also swim from one side of the pool to the other and love to sit at the bottom. : ) You absolutely love the snow and could play outside for hours. You are an amazing big sister and daughter. We love you more than words could ever say and consider it a privilege to be your parents.

Happy 7th Birthday!

Love Mommy and Daddy (or should I just say mom and dad)

Birthday Party

Well, two years ago we approached Calla's 5th birthday with a sense of foreboding, a feeling that as soon as the party was done our lives would take a turn for the worse...and of course that is exactly what happened. Yesterday however, we celebrated Calla's 7th birthday at Petland and it was a fun time for all involved.

Calla decided, on her own, that she would like to collect ten dollars (as suggested last year) and keep 5 while donating 5 to the Winnipeg Humaine Society. She is very happy and proud to be donating $80 to our local pet shelter. She is also excited about buying herself something but she hasn't quite figured out what that is yet.

Originally, she had wanted a dog this year and while we weren't totally on board we know that one is definitely in our future so we had some long discussions on responsibility etc. Calla is now thinking that she would like to wait one more year before taking on such a HUGE responsibility!! I have no idea how I ended up with such a level headed and rational little girl but she always surprises me. My brother and I were having a good laugh the other day because we fully acknowledge that we would never have thought twice about the responsibility. We just wanted a dog!! Calla is way more mature that we ever were!! LOL

Enjoy the pictures!




Calla checking out the Siamese cat.


Maya and Anna petting the bunny.


Baby Gecko and the bird


The cake.



Make a wish!!

Love to you all,

Kristen

Riding the Coaster

I haven't written much lately. It's not that I haven't wanted to...it just hasn't happened. The reasons for such have become complex and convoluted. I wanted to write a couple of weeks ago and tell everyone how we escaped down to Grand Forks for my birthday (Maya's idea of course). It's amazing how just getting away for a couple of days can relax and rejuvenate someone. I spent the day swimming with the girls and shopping. We went out for supper of course, and I had deep fried cheesecake for dessert. Imagine the calories!!! : ) It was a great day and I didn't cry once. Even the girls noticed that mommy was happy on her birthday this year.

Upon returning home however, Aria developed a chest cold that she is still getting over. There were a few days where Mike and I were both holding our breath praying that we wouldn't have to take her in. We fully understand that she is a healthy baby and does not have SMA but chest colds in babies can turn nasty quickly and we didn't want to have her in hospital.

Thankfully, her cold has gotten much better but she now has a minor ear infection which isn't making anything easier. I keep crossing my fingers that she will wake up better tomorrow. Last night she and I slept for a five hour stretch leaving us both a little more energetic.

I have kept up with my running. The motto continues to be 'Just One Mile' but many days I'll run 2-3 miles. The running seems to be keeping me from sinking but I find myself still struggling. March and April aren't easy months around here. Yesterday, as many of you know I went to register Maya for soccer at the community club. I was feeling really excited for her and was happy that there was no line up. Just as I was leaving I saw some of the parents arriving for the Parent and Twos class. I used to take Maya and Georgia there when Calla was in school. As I stood there I realized that I would have been there again with Georgie and Aria this time (Maya is now in school). It was sudden but not surprising how fast and hard 'the truck' hit. I left feeling completely deflated and sad. Thankfully, it was a busy day and I didn't have a lot of time to feel sorry for myself.

In fact, we spent part of the evening at Calla's school where our perfect little student showed us all of the things that she is working on. Calla remains excited about school and hates to miss a day. She loves her friends and her teacher. Sometimes I refer to her as 'my rock'. Right now, she is just so well adjusted and stable. She truly is an amazing little being. : )

And so the roller coaster continues...

Love to you all,

Kristen

9 Months

Yesterday our little Aria turned nine months old and she is definitely starting to show us what she can do. She now pulls herself up onto just about everything...tables, chairs, window sills, legs etc. In fact, yesterday she somehow pulled herself up against the wall! Today she moved from the window sill to her ball track. If you hold her by the hands she'll start walking and sometimes she'll even try to stand on her own. We are in such big trouble!!!

We took Aria swimming for the first time this past weekend. Maya was absolutely delighted by the number of bathing suits that Aria has. Five - that's right the baby has 5 bathing suits and just went swimming for the first time. LOL In all fairness, 3 of them are hand-me-downs and the other two were gifts. They're all super cute so we have to use all of them! : ) Aria loved the pool. She loved splashing in the water, floating around and watching all of the kids.

Aria continues to babble whenever she's happy. She'll often try to say 'hi' when she sees someone and will wave 'bye bye' when she's in the right mood. She has also started to play strange with people that she doesn't see very often. The best part about this stage is how excited she gets when she sees people that she recognizes. Daddy gets a very enthusiastic welcome when he comes home from work every day.





Love to you all,

Kristen

Just One Mile

So the last couple of weeks have seemed very long to me. Aria cut a couple more teeth which meant that she was up numerous times during the night for several nights in a row. Maya ended up with some kind of flu and we were housebound for a while as well. This almost felt like a blessing because who really wants to be bundling up 3 kids and trudging outside in the freezing cold anyway? But being housebound as many of you know gets old really fast.

The first couple of days that Maya was recovering she spent almost all of her waking moments crying or whining. It was not fun!! I was exhausted from not sleeping, not exercising because I was exhausted and everything started feeling like it was too much. I realized that I didn't really feel like doing anything at all. I was lethargic and grumpy. I didn't feel like getting together with people, going outside, doing the housework etc. I didn't even feel like reading or watching t.v. And then it struck me. That ugly word that nobody likes to think about or say out loud. I was feeling depressed!

I just wanted to curl up and go back to bed. I didn't have the energy for anything. The worst thing about being depressed is that you know that you should just get up and be grateful but you're not physically able to do it. Then you feel guilty on top of everything else which just compounds the problem.

I'm not really sure how I ended up in that state except to say that it crept up on me. I have never loved the winter especially in Winnipeg. The long dark nights and short cold days are draining even at the best of times. Throw in a lack of sleep, a sick kid, some postpartum hormones and it's not hard to start sinking. The one good thing is that since losing Georgia I am hyper aware of my feelings. Having lost a child I know that I will be more prone to depression for the rest of my life. Therefore I pay attention. 'Fake it til you make it' served me really well once but this time it wasn't working and I knew that I just had to force myself to do something...anything.

That's when I decided that I should just run one mile. I tend to run in fits and spurts. I haven't been running as much since the weather got cold for several reasons/excuses. Now, running one mile is actually easy. In fact, most runners would tell you that one mile is nothing. But that is the point. I couldn't convince myself to get up and run because normally I run a lot further than one mile and it can be time consuming. Feeling depressed means that the idea of 'time consuming' or 'hard work' makes it even harder to want to do it. I recognize that, so I told myself that I should just run one mile... just one mile. It would only take about ten minutes and then I could just go back to doing whatever it was that I was doing - nothing.

So I dragged my sorry butt downstairs and hopped on the treadmill. The only expectation I had was to run one mile. I ran my one mile and then gave myself permission to quit. I walked back upstairs and realized that I was in fact feeling better. So the next day while Aria and Maya were entertained for about 10 minutes I ran one mile again and then went back to them. Again, I was feeling pretty good. I did that again the next day and have realized that if I run just one mile I start to feel better. : )

Now one mile to a lot of people is nothing. Just one mile to me however, means more energy for my family and friends. It means clean laundry and homemade snacks. Just one mile means going out and laughing along the way. It means being able to give back to those that have given so much to us. Just one mile is my sanity. It allows me to continue being truly grateful for the amazing life that I have been given. Just one mile to me is EVERYTHING.

Love to you all,

Kristen

Snow Days!

Well, it seems like everybody has had a pretty good taste of winter this year. The East coast has been pummeled and even the southern states have had their share of snow. We got dumped on again this past Friday morning. It takes a lot to shut down our city and so far there have been no snow days this year. There was one day where school buses weren't running because it was -45 but other than that Winnipegers are just expected to keep going.

We have been staying pretty busy around here. Last week Calla lost her second tooth. I actually haven't taken a picture of her yet because it happened right before bed and I keep forgetting. The tooth fairy came to visit yet again. I don't know if Calla is more excited by the money or the note that she left. : )

Maya, Aria and I were busy running to and from school and gymnastics as well as a couple of playdates. Friday we made it to dance but I shoveled the driveway on the way out and then again on the way back. Mike then shoveled it again when he got home. It was crazy! All the snow makes it fun for Mike and the girls to go snowshoeing. They all really like it and I am hoping to give it a try before the snow melts. The way that it just keeps coming I'm pretty sure that I have a couple more months...an early spring would be nice though.

Here are a couple of pictures. They are taken on our front street.




Love to you all,

Kristen

Blind

Two years ago, as the end of January approached I was excited. Georgia was almost that magical age of four months where she'd be able to jump around in her jolly jumper and play in her exersaucer. Granted, I had already noticed that she was quite weak but I kept hoping that as February 6th arrived, the exact date that she'd be four months I could place her in that exersaucer and she would play happily.

The memory of Georgia in that exersaucer will haunt me forever. At some point, I did place her in it and of course, she flopped over like a rag doll. The alarm bells were ringing like sirens at that point and I started to panic. When I think about this time it's still hard for me not to feel angry. How could I have been so blind? How did I not see that a hideous disease was ravaging my child's body? Was I stupid?

Oh sure, I can still come up with a dozen excuses. I was busy with three kids under the age of five. Georgia had had a string of bad colds and wasn't feeling well. There was no history of anything in our family. Every child develops differently etc. The truth is however that I was totally and completely blind.

Now, I did love Georgia fiercely. I loved her from the moment that I knew I was carrying her. I felt like she was my gift, my third and most precious child. My lucky number 3. She would complete our family. She was born at home. She was perfect and beautiful. She slept like a champ! In fact, when she was only a couple weeks old I remember telling a stranger that I had never been so impatient to see my baby smile. I just wanted her to feel how much we all loved her. I wanted her to be happy.

Even though she was calm, I held Georgia more than the others. I just always wanted to have her close to me. All of my decisions regarding Georgia's care were out of love (Thank you Devon for reminding me of this). I took her to the hospital out of love and I brought her home because I loved her. I sang to her, rocked her, changed her and in the end held her because I loved her. I needed her to know even in her last moments here on earth that she was loved.

The more that I reflect, the more that I learn about myself and the more I accept. For whatever reason I wasn't meant to see SMA until I did. Even when I look back at pictures I don't see SMA. I only see Georgia. When I look at other children with the same condition I still don't see SMA. I don't see the masks and the equipment. I see only beauty and perfection.

I have come to a new understanding about myself and my life with Georgia. Of course I was blind. I was blinded by love! A love so strong and pure that SMA and even death cannot touch.

Love to you all,

Kristen