So the last couple of weeks have seemed very long to me. Aria cut a couple more teeth which meant that she was up numerous times during the night for several nights in a row. Maya ended up with some kind of flu and we were housebound for a while as well. This almost felt like a blessing because who really wants to be bundling up 3 kids and trudging outside in the freezing cold anyway? But being housebound as many of you know gets old really fast.
The first couple of days that Maya was recovering she spent almost all of her waking moments crying or whining. It was not fun!! I was exhausted from not sleeping, not exercising because I was exhausted and everything started feeling like it was too much. I realized that I didn't really feel like doing anything at all. I was lethargic and grumpy. I didn't feel like getting together with people, going outside, doing the housework etc. I didn't even feel like reading or watching t.v. And then it struck me. That ugly word that nobody likes to think about or say out loud. I was feeling depressed!
I just wanted to curl up and go back to bed. I didn't have the energy for anything. The worst thing about being depressed is that you know that you should just get up and be grateful but you're not physically able to do it. Then you feel guilty on top of everything else which just compounds the problem.
I'm not really sure how I ended up in that state except to say that it crept up on me. I have never loved the winter especially in Winnipeg. The long dark nights and short cold days are draining even at the best of times. Throw in a lack of sleep, a sick kid, some postpartum hormones and it's not hard to start sinking. The one good thing is that since losing Georgia I am hyper aware of my feelings. Having lost a child I know that I will be more prone to depression for the rest of my life. Therefore I pay attention. 'Fake it til you make it' served me really well once but this time it wasn't working and I knew that I just had to force myself to do something...anything.
That's when I decided that I should just run one mile. I tend to run in fits and spurts. I haven't been running as much since the weather got cold for several reasons/excuses. Now, running one mile is actually easy. In fact, most runners would tell you that one mile is nothing. But that is the point. I couldn't convince myself to get up and run because normally I run a lot further than one mile and it can be time consuming. Feeling depressed means that the idea of 'time consuming' or 'hard work' makes it even harder to want to do it. I recognize that, so I told myself that I should just run one mile... just one mile. It would only take about ten minutes and then I could just go back to doing whatever it was that I was doing - nothing.
So I dragged my sorry butt downstairs and hopped on the treadmill. The only expectation I had was to run one mile. I ran my one mile and then gave myself permission to quit. I walked back upstairs and realized that I was in fact feeling better. So the next day while Aria and Maya were entertained for about 10 minutes I ran one mile again and then went back to them. Again, I was feeling pretty good. I did that again the next day and have realized that if I run just one mile I start to feel better. : )
Now one mile to a lot of people is nothing. Just one mile to me however, means more energy for my family and friends. It means clean laundry and homemade snacks. Just one mile means going out and laughing along the way. It means being able to give back to those that have given so much to us. Just one mile is my sanity. It allows me to continue being truly grateful for the amazing life that I have been given. Just one mile to me is EVERYTHING.
Love to you all,
8 Years an Angel
2 weeks ago