So, I have this book. It's actually quite a good book, thank you Emma! It's written in point form with no more than 2-3 small paragraphs on a page. This is perfect for a grieving parent because sometimes a paragraph is all that I am able to grasp before I have moved on to other thoughts. In this book, it says a parent should move toward their grief. I get the concept but I am starting to wonder if the author has any idea what s/he is talking about. How does one walk towards something that comes at you from all angles? How do you walk towards something that has already overcome you? I have no problem with letting it overcome me. I accept my grief as I have always accepted my happiness. It is now part of who I am. Maybe this is what the author meant to say. Or, perhaps s/he should have phrased the idea in the negative "Don't try to run from your grief." This makes more sense to me.
This book also has lots of ideas about ways to continue moving forward and gives all kinds of advice about what is normal. Apprently and as sick as it sounds, I do death well. It talks about listening to music, whether is makes you happy or drags you right back down into the pit of despair. Check! It talks about going to the cemetary regulary to try to find peace. Check! It talks about giving yourself time away from social situations and asking friends and family for patience. Check! It talks about just getting away for a while if one feels the need. Check! I hope that you are picking up on my sarcasm.
We went to Grand Forks for a couple of days. I would love to regale my female readers with tales of amazing bargains but the truth of the matter is that I wasn't into the shopping. My book says nothing about what to do when you find yourself looking at baby girl clothes and wishing that you had a baby to put into them. Nor does it say anything about staring at maternity clothes and wondering why that baby isn't still here. It doesn't offer any advice on learning how to laugh with your children as they go flying down waterslides or yell "Where's my supper?" in the middle of the restaurant before we had even ordered. Guess who that was?! : )
I did enjoy the quiet ride down the back country highways. There aren't any trucks allowed and there was next to no traffic. I have never seen so many birds in my life and we saw lots of deer too. In fact, there was a doe standing on the edge of the highway at one point, her big eyes seemed to be staring at us. Mike started to break, afraid that the beautiful creature would dart in front of the van. Instead she stood there until we had passed and then hopped back into the woods seemingly without a care in the world.
And so, my book seems to be lacking in some areas but I think that I am okay with that. I figure that if I can still see beauty in the world I am still moving forward.
Love to you all,
Kristen
Shores of Grief ~ 15 Years
1 week ago
We talked about your 'old idea' for a book some weeks ago and maybe you will find you really would like to write one, not the original story you thought but one even more in depth, with more insight and a whole different level of looking at the world. You certainly have the talent and although it might not be what you thought you wanted to write about (not soley anyway) it certainly would be helpful and I'm sure the things you see and feel are certainly things anyone that is losing or has lost a child can relate to.
ReplyDeleteAs for learning to laugh, you don't have to learn, it will come....like everything else in this journey, when you are ready. You are as you say "doing death well" (and no, it doesn't sound sick, just honest and to the point!) and doing all the "right" things, but that doesn't mean it makes the road easier. Right now finding laughter can even bring on guilt, I hope it doesn't, but it certainly can and that too will pass. One of these days you will just find yourself laughing, like you did at Ellen, and you will be surprised and each time you do it will get easier and then you might even get to a point where it doesn't surprise you anymore! :-) I know Georgia loved to watch the girls being silly and making her laugh, and she will be watching that still and it will be such a joy for her to see her Mommy laughing with her sisters. I know you will have your moments already when you do actually hear yourself laugh, but I truly hope they come more and more. You of course are, and need to, let the grief overwhelm you at times, but I am so happy to read that you are still seeing the beauty in the world-that was something Georgia has taught so many, not to take life, even the little things like a deer by the road, for granted.
I found a card the other day with a poem that made me think of Georgia. I will send it to you but it seemed fitting for today....
In one of the stars
I shall be living
In one of them
I shall be laughing
And so it will be
as if all the stars
were laughing
when you look
at the sky a night
-The Little Prince
Antoine de Saint-Eupery
...and there is sweetness
in the laugher of all the stars...
and in the memories
of those you love
We all love you and are here, anytime,
Love Em
Kristen & Mike,
ReplyDeleteGlad to hear that you had a safe journey away for a couple of days. I have thought of you often over the past week and wanted to share this poem with you. It is entitled,
IF SHE COULD TELL YOU
I'm sure if she could tell you, "Thank You," she would. I'm sure she would want you to know that she loved being a part of your lives even though brief. She remembers the belly rubs, soothing sounds of your voices, and the adrenalin of wanting her so badly.
I'm sure if she could, she'd tell you..she's with you forever. She will remember you both in her own angelic way, watching over you, holding onto your souls with her little hands and never releasing. She's all around you, touching your thoughts and hugging your memories. She smiles and laughs to comfort you each day you feel sad. She's happy for your strength and needs your hope to help her fly.
I'm sure if she could tell you, "Thank You," she would, For all the powerful love, for remembering her, for holding her when she was born and missing her when she became your angel. She knows she is your combined, manifested pure love and she is your hope.
She's the light in your window, she's the hope in your heart, she's the baby angel that throws the first snowflake upon your face- her kiss to Mommy and Daddy. Just know that the smiles on your faces help her get through her day, too, and she knows you love her, knows you miss her, and wants you to know that she's watching over you both. If she could tell you..I know she would.
I will continue to pray for you and wish you peace in the days ahead.
Be well, stay strong.
I`ve just read the last two comments from your friends.
ReplyDeleteWhat a lovely supportive friend you have in Emma. She so obviously cares about you very much.Her words are so understanding and to the point.Truly loves you.
Lisa`s poem was so tender. If you take the poem line by line you can get so much from it.
I`m certain Georgia is looking down and loving you all very much and knows just how much she`s loved and how much her daddy and mommy are missing her yet dealing so well with it.Your bound to think your going crazy at times but your not. Allow yourselves the melt downs, tears, scream if you feel like it. It`s doing nobody any harm, especially the two of you.
Take care of each other, and that you could get away for a few days for time with Calla and Maya (even if you didn`t laugh at the waterslide) they did and they relaxed.
Remember your loved by many!!!
I think about your family that I have never met every single day. I read your blog posts and I cry with each word. My heart aches for you and your great loss. I know it's not much of a consolation, but I hope you can picture your sweet baby girl cradled in an angel's arms looking down and loving you from heaven. Your daughter has made such an impact on me and because our son has SMA we are trying to treasure every single moment we have with him.
ReplyDeleteI wish you peace, serenity, and comfort in these most difficult of times.
Dear Kristen and Mike,
ReplyDeleteI hope you had a peaceful time away. Today, Mairin was playing in the back yard and called out that she saw a ballon. It was a purple one like the ones we had released at Georgia's reception. We all thought of you, and really appreciated that moment. She is always with us.
Love Tinsley Douglas
I'm glad you enjoyed your quiet ride down a country road. I always find it peaceful to drive around here (we live near the montains in Alberta). No matter how many wild animals I see I'm always excited to see another one! It always seems like the first!
ReplyDeleteAfter reading about the book you've been reading I thought I'd share this :o)
There was a tragedy at my husband's work last June. It was hard for him (and me) so we went to a grief share class at a local church. There were a few of us and a lot of losses that we were all working through. The class has videos that are really helpful (I'm not one for classes like this so it says a lot when I say I liked them) and then a discussion and prayer time. The course was 13 weeks and we all changed quite a bit in those 13 weeks. It doesn't mean that we aren't over what happened and it doesn't mean that we will ever forget what happened, but we feel stronger in the Lord and we're able to help each other a lot more. Sure, our lives will forever be changed and I miss our old life, and I do get really upset/lost/scared/ upset but we continue to move forward (baby steps) and now that it's been almost a year we see a lot of difference in us. It's hard to work through a loss at any time. And no book will ever be able to give you all the answers or make you feel better. Going to God or spending time with loved ones is the best thing any of us can do :o)
http://www.griefshare.org/
That's the site for grief share. In time if you feel you guys could benefit from a small group counseling/sharing class I highly recommend grief share. I will admit that some days were REALLY hard and I just wanted to cry and go home, but the members really helped and they understood. I also was there to help them and that is why I kept going.
It's just an idea in case in a few months you want something more than just books or whatever you guys may find for help.
Take care
Nicole :o)