Some Days

For Melanie,

The snow has been melting slowly but surely around here. Our roads are lakes during the day and skating rinks at night and the early mornings. For many, this time of year is filled with hope of sunny days, warmer weather and new life. In our house we share all of these feelings but springtime is now clouded by dark memories. It was this week a year ago that the doctors first ordered genetic testing suspecting that there was something serious going on with Georgia. Next week will mark her going into the hospital and our lives changing forever. As we approach these anniversaries the roller coaster of emotions takes on even more ups and downs. Throw in some pregnancy hormones and life can get really interesting.

Some days I can jump out of bed with a smile on my face and a feeling of optimism as I think about the day ahead. Some days I can barely crawl into the shower.

Some days I can hop off the treadmill feeling like I can conquer the world, and some days I stagger off feeling more physically and emotionally exhausted than before.

Some days I can feel really good about all that we have done in Georgia's name especially because we are still in the early stages of grieving. Other days all I can feel is guilt that we should be doing more and that we have failed.

Some days I could tell hundreds of people's Georgia's story and talk about SMA until the sun went down. Other days, I just want to pretend that SMA doesn't exist.

Some days I can tackle a list of house chores without looking back and other days a load of laundry seems like a mountain to climb.

Some days I can spend most of the time smiling and laughing. Other days the tears just don't seem to stop.

Some days I can pat myself on the back telling myself that Calla and Maya are doing great. Other days I can't stop worrying about how I have screwed them up.

Some days I can look forward to future plans especially meeting this new baby and other days I can't think beyond the next few minutes.

Some days I can run a dozen errands and other days I start driving and have to remind myself where I'm going.

Some days I can find peace.

So, I forget things sometimes. So, my house isn't always tidy. So, I don't always run on the treadmill. So, I cry a lot. So, I don't always return a phone call immediately. So, I don't always know what to say. So, I like to wear my pjs under my winter gear to walk Calla to school. : ) I do know however that every day I love Georgia and do my best to keep her memory alive. I get up everyday and force myself to keep going even when I don't feel like it. We're not crazy Melanie. We are approaching the anniversary of our daughters' death and we are surviving. Some days we're doing even more than that! Some days I convince myself that that is enough...

Love to you all,

Kristen

Teaching Charity

Calla will be 6 years old in less than two weeks. For the last month we have been discussing her birthday party. The first decision was where to have it. I couldn't really bear to have it at the house this year... too many memories from last year. So we settled on the Y. The next and most challenging decision was deciding on whether or not to do gifts. On this front, I have failed miserably.

While in Portugal the girls had two ponies each, two Littlest Pet Shop Pets each and a ball. They played happily with these toys for hours on end. I should mention that they also had some arts and crafts supplies as well as some books but the playing was done with very few toys. I asked Calla what she wanted for her birthday and initially she listed a couple of ideas. I explained to her that along with Auntie and Uncle we would be happy to get her these things. I then had a long chat with her about different kinds of charities and brought up the idea that perhaps she would like to invite her friends to donate to one of her choosing. Note: I did not use Georgia's death to try to guilt her into this. We discussed all kinds of charities and she was actually very interested in the Humane Society. Calla is a huge animal lover! She was still unsure about this idea and I told her that she could think about it as it was her decision.

Sometime between Portugal and making invitations she decided that she wanted gifts. I have bitten my tongue on the matter and am trying really hard to let it go but am still struggling. My girls have so much! They are surrounded by family and friends that love to shower them with love and 'stuff'. The have more ponies and Littlest Pet Shop that most kids their age. They have dolls, Barbies and stuffies. They have baskets full of arts and crafts supplies.

Mike and I have always tried to show our children how to be generous. We always have the girls donate a toy and food at Christmas time. When they have outgrown some of their clothes and toys we always donate them to others and talk about why this is important. When Calla's school was collecting for the Haiti disaster we not only wrote a cheque but made sure that Calla had some money in her pocket to hand over herself so that she see and feel what it is to give.

I am trying to remind myself that she is still only 5 years old and deserves to have a party like any other child. The one limit I have set is that for every one new thing that Calla gets for her birthday she will have to choose one old one to donate to others. The invites have been sent so it is too late for this year but if any of you have any suggestions about doing a better job of teaching charity please feel free to share.

Our Calla is thriving and we couldn't be more proud of her. We only want to help her to understand that all of these gifts mean very little compared to the joy of celebrating a birthday with people who mean the world to you.

Love to you all,

Kristen

Top 10...Well, Actually 11 Memories of Portugal

10. The trees - orange, lemon, cork, flowering olive etc.

9. The giant Calla lilies growing wild everywhere.

8. Eating freshly picked oranges. Mmmmm.

7. Watching the 2010 Olympics on Euro Sport. Loved those Scottish announcers and the German commercials!

6. Staring in bewilderment at the pound of sand left in the bathtub after every one of the girls' baths. : )

5. Eating Chicken Piri Piri. Yum!

4. Watching Calla help her little sister do up her zipper on more than one occasion. At home she never feels like she has the time!

3. Watching Maya draw her first family picture!

2. Admiring Calla's golden tan (the first one ever)!

1. Bearing witness to Maya casting not just her swimsuit aside but all of her worries and anxieties about the world.

And then of course there is the most important one that cannot be explained in just one sentence. At some point on the beach, watching the girls run around and scream in delight, watching and listening to the waves I felt an almost forgotten feeling of contentment. I'm not going to lie and say that I didn't have a few moments where I wondered if Georgia would have loved the waves and sand like her sisters. Would she have tried to run in and out of the water like them, or would she have been content to play in the sand? Maybe she would have hated the whole experience. I don't know. As these thoughts rolled through my head however, I didn't find myself feeling sad like I normally would. Instead, I found myself smiling and realized something spectacular. I had found peace. For a few brief moments I was totally calm and content with the world.

Is that feeling ever present? Nope! I am now back to winterland and facing everyday realities. The memories of the beach however will serve to remind me in the difficult weeks to come that I am getting there - inch by inch - moment by moment.

Love to you all,

Kristen

Portugal Pictures

Well, we have been staying quite busy despite a few days of rain. It seems that even on a sunny day, if there is a cloud in the sky it is filled with rain. This means having to be dressed for almost anything. One minute it feels super warm and the next the wind is blowing and it's starting to rain. Yesterday we spent the day at Zoo Marine. It is an outdoor Marine Park with tropical birds, dolphins, seals, sea lions etc. It also has quite a few rides to keep the kids entertained. Below is a picture of all of us on the two storey carousel.

There was also a ferris wheel. As many of you know I suffer from vertigo and don't like heights but I didn't even have to use that excuse to get out of going on. Check out the sign below! : ) Mike and I were killing ourselves laughing because it said 'No pregnants allowed'

The girls loved all of the little rides.
Here they are sitting on the carousel again with Grandma. The girls had decided that this was Cinderella's carriage. : )
On one gloomy and rainy day we took the girls to an indoor play structure. They had a blast playing with a few of the other British kids.
We also discovered yet another beach. This one is geographically stunning but it was very windy and the surf was crazy.
One day as we were walking back to the vehicle from the beach the girls met some locals that were dressed up and decorating the square with ribbons for Carnaval. They had a great time running around with their little friends wrapping the ribbons around trees and even a few passerbys.

That's it for now. The sun is shining and Maya is already in her bathing suit. Guess where she wants to go?!

Love to you all,

Kristen

Holiday

Well, we have been here for almost a week now. Mike and I did a day trip into Spain last Friday. The weather was quite miserable that day, pretty much raining sideways the whole time. We spent the day in Seville which is a beautiful city. We toured around one of the biggest cathedrals in the world, saw the tomb of Christopher Columbus and ate lunch at some little Spanish restaurant. It was quite funny as they had an English menu but there was nobody there that actually spoke English. Mike ended up spending 10 Euros on some Spanish specialty that looked and tasted like a small plate of Summer Sausage! : ) The rest of the tour was done on the bus as everyone was pretty much frozen. I won't complain as that same day they had snow in Madrid!

Down here in the Algarve the temperature has remained rather warm but we have had a few days of rain. We have managed to get down to the beach a few times now. By some miracle of nature it happens to be one of the most sheltered spots around so even if it's cool and windy up in the town it can be almost hot down on the beach. The beach is surrounded by yellow cliffs that the girls have nicknamed 'The Golden Rock". I myself, have found it a little too cool to actually jump in the water but that hasn't stopped Calla and Maya. They would spend all day every day down on the beach if we let them. They are mesmerized by the waves and love to try to either jump over them or run away from them. The first day that they were down there they ran around without taking a break for two hours! Maya was sick of her bathing suit so she decided to throw it aside. It was so funny!

We have taken to watching the Olympics in the evenings. The live coverage starts around 4:00 pm here and goes on into the night. We tend to just watch after supper and the girls have gone to bed. We really enjoyed watching the snowboarding last night. The coverage has been quite good and I do love to listen to the Scottish announcers and their lovely sayings! The other night they were commenting on some 'untidy' skiing. : )

As promised here are a few pictures:

Beach Bums!

Loving the waves!

Doing a dance at the 'Golden Rock'.

Exhausted after a long day at the beach.

Love to you all,

Kristen

Flight 55 Plus

Since losing Georgia I find myself people watching a lot more. Not really sure why, but I do love to watch people. Now travelling with little ones can be trying, that's for sure but I also try really hard to see the humour in all of the situations that we end up in. Please read this post understanding that I am not intending to make fun of older people, only trying to laugh my way through an overnight flight with two little girls.

So, yesterday we walked up to our gate in Toronto and I started to laugh as I looked around. Mike looked up a little baffled until I made a comment about Portugal being the retirement destination. He smiled as he too noticed that besides two other couples travelling with one baby each, the rest of the seats were taken up with people aged 55 and over.

When the agent announced that they would be boarding rows 32-25 only, the whole place rose to its feet and began to queue up. They did try to make an announcement asking people to please wait until their row was called but it was useless. We were seated in row 22 and we waited until they announced it. That meant that we ended up being some of the last people on the plane! Why is everybody in such a rush to get on the plane? We were going to have at least 6 hours sitting in close crammed quarters as it was! I also found it funny as I boarded to hear a couple of people making remarks about how hot they were and when was the plane going to take off anyway? Well, maybe it wouldn't take so long to board the plane if everybody actually waited their turn instead of blocking the aisles.

The plane ended up being de-iced and left approximately half an hour late. This meant that it left around 11:30 pm and the girls were already asleep. Around 1:30am the flight attendant woke me up with a desperate look on his face. He didn't know what he should do with the 'special' kid meals that been prepared for Calla and Maya. I was actually shocked that number one, he expected my children to wake up and eat mac n' cheese in the middle of the night and number 2 thought that it was definitely worth waking me up to argue about. I looked around however and realized that all of my 55 plus friends were sitting up in anticipation with their trays down waiting for their meals!

Around 2 am as I was just starting to drift off when the flight attendant again woke me up, this time to ask if I was eating and whether or not my sleeping husband would like to eat. "No thank you," I replied again as he looked at me indredulously. A few minutes later he told me that I would have to move my chair into its upright position because the man behind me was trying to enjoy his chicken dinner and it was a bit 'tight'. There were a few other people that had their chairs back including Mike and the girls but I was the only one asked. I just smiled again and told myself that one day I too will be annoyed when I try to eat my chicken dinner at 2 am and the pregnant mother sitting in front of me is trying to catch some ZZZZs. I am going to try really hard to remember what she must be thinking however! : )

Before the flight attendants could even finish delivering the meals there was a line behind them, all of the 55 plusers now had to go to the bathroom. One again, an announcement was made that they should remain seated for a few more minutes in order to allow the attendants to finish up with the service. Now, the kids in Maya's pre-school class cooperate better than the lot that was on the plane. They just lined up behind the trolley and slowly followed the flight attendants as they made their way back, annoyed looks on their faces. I just shook my head and started to giggle. At least, at over 5 months pregnant my bladder isn't quite as desperate as these poor folks.

Eventually I drifted off again. As the sun rose, the girls and Mike woke up and we all had a muffin for breakfast. In the end we arrived exhausted yet safe and are very excited about exploring this new country. It was pouring when we arrived but the sun came out this afternoon and we all went for a walk down to the grocery store and then had dinner with my parents. We were all asleep by 8:00 but now that it's almost 1:00 am here we're all awake. I am going to get the girls something to eat and then try to coax them back to bed. It really is only supper time in Winnipeg! Wish me luck!

Love to you all,

Kristen

Just One More Time

Allright, the Gwendolyn Strong Foundation has one more chance to win another $5000. It took me approximately 30 seconds to vote and I am hoping that you will take the time to do it too. It's so easy and every little bit helps in the battle against SMA. Here is what Victoria wrote on her last post:

I'm no hero. No more so than any parent fighting for their child. But, if I win the "Hero Next Door" contest, that means $5,000 more for SMA research and awareness. And so, I am asking for your vote once again.

Care2 -- the company who hosts our PetitionToCureSMA.com, who has been incredibly supportive of our cause, and who we simply love -- has teamed up with Tom's of Maine to create the Hero Next Door contest -- every day people doing more. We were nominated, along with dozens of others, and here is the neat thing -- we made it to the top 10 finalists! Now this is where you come in...

Here is the breakdown:
Voting ends February 26th.
You can only vote ONCE.
The person with the most votes wins $2,500 for their charity and $2,500 for themselves -- which, in my case, would obviously go directly to research and awareness because there is nothing more important! So that's $5,000 for SMA -- all with a simple vote.
Technically only one person can win and so "Victoria" is the name you see, but the nomination is clearly for all of us -- including Gwendolyn.
How to vote:
Go to: Hero Next Door
Click on Vote for Victoria. (It is the green button at the bottom of the page.)
Fill out the form (name, birthday, email and zip code).
Click on the animal picture (to help stop spammers).
And then hit "Vote" and that is it.
You will see a big "Thanks for voting for Victoria Strong" to let you know your vote went through.
Since you can only vote once, help spread the word by also using the "Tell a Friend" features on Facebook, email and Twitter by clicking on the icons on the right.
And again, all $5,000 will go to the Gwendolyn Strong Foundation to support SMA research and awareness! Thanks for once again supporting us and getting your voting skills out! We are all becoming pros :)

I promise that it doesn't take long. I managed to do it in between packing. We are off on holidays tomorrow afternoon. I will post more in a couple of days hopefully with some great pictures! : )

Love to you all,

Kristen

Loss

In the world of SMA loss seems to be a common word. And, today another family has experienced a loss. Sweet little Hodges passed away at the the tender age of 15 months. He joins his brother in Heaven and leaves behind his loving parents and older sister. If you'd like to learn more about his story click here

We ask that you keep this family in your thoughts and prayers over the next little while as they begin another difficult phase of their journey.

Love to you all,

Kristen

Pleasant Surprise

The first few posts of this blog are emails that I sent out to a few friends explaining what was going on with Georgia. As Georgia's illness progressed the email list grew longer and eventually our friend Glen set up this blog so that anybody and everybody that was interested in Georgia's story could follow. It has allowed us to connect with many more people than we had ever imagined.

There are many reasons that I keep writing, but one of them is that it remains a way for us to keep her memory alive. So, the other day I was very touched when my friend Laura showed up with a new copy of her Total She Catalogue. Total She is a company that sells all kinds of pretty and useful things for women. Many of their items can be personalized. The pendant that I wear everyday in fact, is a Total She product. On the cover of the catalogue is a new pendant in the shape of a heart with the engraved name Georgia. I have since been told that the name of the pendant is actually Georgia (although you can have any name engraved that you'd like) and it is in fact named after our Georgia.

This was an amazing and very touching surprise. We are so grateful to the people involved in making that happen. I have attached a picture below of the pendant. You can also check out Total She Products here or contact my friend Laura at laura.shegirl@gmail.com for any of their products. Knowing that our daughter's memory is carried in the hearts of so many means a lot to us.

Love to you all,

Kristen

Kids!

Kids often say the funniest things. They are so honest and carefree and don't worry about hurting people's feelings when they ask questions or express opinions. Despite being caught in some uncomfortable conversations with little ones since Georgia became sick I still love what they come up with. Their straight forwardness allows us brief glimpses into what they are really thinking...unlike adults who have learned how to lie and hide feelings.

The other day one of Calla's little friends asked what my pendant says. For those of you that don't know I wear a pendant everyday with the words Calla, Maya Georgia on it. It was a gift from friends and I treasure it. It has really become just as much a part of me as my wedding ring. So I read the words to the little girl and she then asked me with all of her innocence why I didn't erase Georgia's name because she died? I do admit that it took me a second to recover before I told her that Georgia remains just as much my little girl as Calla and Maya. She accepted my response with a big smile and off she went to play.

Then there was another day when I could hear Calla and a friend having a conversation about siblings. At one point her friend told her that she would only have two sisters because Georgia had died. I was just coming around the corner about to intervene when I saw my daughter set her jaw and reply in a very firm voice, "Just because Georgia is in Heaven doesn't mean that she isn't my sister. So, actually I will have three sisters. There will be four of us." That's my girl!! I could not have been more proud in that moment. My 5 year old had handled the situation perfectly.

For the last nine months I have been feeling so bad for Calla and Maya. I can accept my fate but I admit to struggling daily with what my girls have been dealt. They didn't do anything to deserve what happened and they are just starting to understand the world. I have often worried about how losing Georgia would affect their self esteem, how they would view the world, and how they would handle situations later on in life. Mike and I have always considered Georgia our gift and we believe that she was sent into our lives to set us down different/better paths. Why did she have to leave Calla and Maya though? I've always believed that Calla and Maya were the innocent bystanders caught in the crossfire.

As I watch my girls grow and change however my view is starting to change. Calla and Maya would never ask me to erase Georgia's name from anything nor would they not consider her their sister because she is in Heaven. They understand more than most children that the bonds of love extend well beyond what one can see and touch. They understand that a life, even a short one has meaning and can have a huge impact on those around it. What is even more extraordinary is that they seem to be teaching others these lessons as well.

While I remain sad that my girls were separated physically, I feel so blessed to have children that understand that love really does remain the strongest emotion and cannot be broken by distance or even death. Calla and Maya were not just caught in the crossfire. Their lives have changed paths as well. It will take a lifetime to see how Georgia's life and death has affected them but I don't feel so bad for them anymore. Georgia was their gift just as much as she was Mike's and mine.

Love to you all,

Kristen