Anxiety

I had thought that I would have been working by now. So far despite being a registered substitute teacher I have yet to put in a day. My reason for staying home however is amazingly important. Back at the end of September, maybe the beginning of October, our Maya started to act extremely anxious. She had started coming to our bed in the middle of the night right after Georgia died but then she started to wake up and throw tantrums around 1:00 and 2:00 in the morning. There was often very little that we could do to calm her down. Once she was up she could be up for a couple of hours. This made things quite difficult and tiring around here.

She also started to cry when I dropped her off at school and even stopped falling asleep until late the night before school. She also started complaining of stomach aches all of the time. One day I finally asked her if it felt like butterflies in her tummy and she replied in the affirmative. My once happy and self confident little girl had changed. She was now suffering from anxiety. I had been preparing myself for this since my days in the PICU but it still didn't stop my heart from breaking.

You see almost 10 months ago Maya's life changed in a profound way. One day her mother and sister were with her 24 hours a day and the next they had disappeared. She was told that we were in the hospital but she was two years old. All that she would understand was that we had left her.

The morning that I walked into the hospital with Georgia I had a feeling that my life was changing forever. There was never any question that I would be the one to stay with her, even as I recited bedtime stories to Calla and Maya over the phone before hanging up and crying. Calla had some understanding because when she had been taken into the hospital with asthma in the past I always stayed with her. I could explain to her that I would stay with whichever of my children needed me most. Maya was just too young to understand this.

I remember one night rocking Georgia knowing that there would be consequences to my actions. I swore right then and there that I would spend the rest of my life making it up to Calla and Maya but first I had to make things right with Georgia.

Eventually, Georgia and I made it home but Georgia died a short time later and Maya was left with a wreck for a mother. As time has moved forward I no longer consider myself a wreck and I remember that night rocking Georgia to sleep and my promise to my girls. So now I must be the rock. Working isn't an option right now because Maya needs to know that I am here for her always. She wakes up and I'm here. She eats three meals a day with me. I take her to school, gymnastics, swimming and dance. I kiss her good night every night. We make muffins and do crafts together. She is my shadow and I will be hers until she is ready to say otherwise.

Recently I read the book 'My Sister's Keeper' by Jodi Picoult. Yes, the one that they made into a movie. What fascinated me most about the story was not the relationship between the sisters but the relationship between the mother and her two healthy children. I sympathized with the kids and at times I hated the mother even though I understood why she made some of the decisions that she did.

One day as an adult Maya will probably sit down with a therapist and discuss all of the ways her mother ruined her life. All that I'll be able to tell her is that I did my best in an impossible situation. I loved and continue to love her just as much as I love Calla and Georgia but I wanted them all to live. I pray that Maya will never need me in the same way that Georgia did even though I understand that she needs me just as much.

On a positive note Mike and I have started to see that 'spark' again. We actually see it in both of our girls. Calla has started to become a little more animated and excited about life and Maya... let's just say that she's sleeping through the night in her own bed. : ) We'll take whatever we can get!

Love to you all,

Kristen