Emotions

Well, I said that that was all for tonight but apparently I lied. Now that I have dealt with the last post I feel the urge to write about something else. Something more to do with Georgia and her baby sister that we hope to meet in May.

As news has spread that we are expecting another child we have been met with nothing but excitement and enthusiasm. People have looked at me since we announced that I'm pregnant and tell me that I look happier. When people ask us if we're excited and we don't immediately reply with the appropriate amount of spunk the response is, "Well, everything's fine right?!!"

Now I don't want to make anybody feel bad here. We love that you're excited for us. We love your enthusiasm and optimism...but...while as far as we know 'everything' is fine with this baby, 'EVERYTHING' is not fine. While we feel truly blessed to be expecting our fourth child. She is our fourth child not our third. We have still lost one of our children and continue to feel her absence everyday. There is no moving on here, only moving forward. The happiness that we feel about this baby does not replace the grief of losing Georgie. I think that anyone who is a parent would agree that once they met their child for the first time their lives were altered forever. Well, the same is true of losing one... even when you're expecting another.

This pregnancy has been a roller coaster of emotions. I have the pleasure of watching two of my daughters grow and play everyday and I have another that I get to feel growing stronger everyday. I am hopeful that the life growing within me will bring some healing into our lives, especially Calla and Maya's. All of this however, is tempered by fact that there is one more of my children that I will never watch grow and play again. The pain of knowing this does not go away even as I feel our youngest roll around and kick me.

All that I ask is that if Mike and I don't show the 'appropriate' amount of enthusiasm when you bring up our pregnancy, that you try to remember we really are excited. We are thrilled at the idea of having a fourth daughter. Sometimes however, our excitement doesn't come across too clearly because we are still missing our Georgie and we will continue to miss her long after we have welcomed daughter number 4 into our lives.

Love to you all,

Kristen