As I started looking at some of my long sleeve tops and sweaters I was immediately overcome by feelings of helplessness and desperation. One look at my long sleeve purple shirt and I can see the doctor confirming Georgia's SMA diagnosis. As I glanced down at my shoes today, for a few moments I was speed walking through the halls of the hospital in a state of panic instead of leisurely walking through the grocery store with Maya.
I pulled out my gloves this morning but didn't put them on because all I could think of was driving home from the hospital in a snow storm to have dinner with the girls already panicking about how I was going to get back. My clothes are all tainted. They are tainted with the most negative feelings on earth. While these are feelings that I lived and accepted they are not feelings that I wish to carry with me every minute of every day.
I have one t-shirt and when I put it on I am empowered. I am hopeful. I am a mother who has accepted the unacceptable. I am a woman with the courage to carry on and fight for others. This one shirt represents everything that I want to be and everything that I believe I can become. It doesn't carry invisible memories of Georgie, instead it shows them off to the world. It says that I am a warrior and invites others to join the fight. It links me to some of the most amazing people I have ever had honor of knowing, even when I don't really know them.
My clothes are tainted but my heart remains pure. Sitting around helpless and feeling desperate will change nothing and one shirt isn't going to get me through the winter. It's time to change my clothes. I hope that Mike doesn't mind when I tell him that I have some major shopping to do! : )
Love to you all,