Welcome to Georgia's Journey

Georgia Lily Lucas was born at home on October 6th, 2008 4:15am, in Winnipeg, Manitoba. She was diagnosed with SMA (Spinal Muscular Atrophy) on April 1, 2009.

On April 3rd Georgia was taken home, to be near her sisters and the rest of her family and friends. Nearly three weeks later, on April 21, 2009, she died peacefully -- in the loving arms of her mother and in the same room in which she was born.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Tainted

Today it was 0 degrees as the girls and I walked to school. Had we tried to drive the car that was parked on the front street we would have had to scrape off all of the frost. With the change in weather comes a change in wardrobe. Away go the shorts, sandals and sun dresses and out come the long pants, socks and gloves. I have always believed that the clothes one wears can affect the way one feels but I have had quite the shock over the last couple of days.

As I started looking at some of my long sleeve tops and sweaters I was immediately overcome by feelings of helplessness and desperation. One look at my long sleeve purple shirt and I can see the doctor confirming Georgia's SMA diagnosis. As I glanced down at my shoes today, for a few moments I was speed walking through the halls of the hospital in a state of panic instead of leisurely walking through the grocery store with Maya.

I pulled out my gloves this morning but didn't put them on because all I could think of was driving home from the hospital in a snow storm to have dinner with the girls already panicking about how I was going to get back. My clothes are all tainted. They are tainted with the most negative feelings on earth. While these are feelings that I lived and accepted they are not feelings that I wish to carry with me every minute of every day.

I have one t-shirt and when I put it on I am empowered. I am hopeful. I am a mother who has accepted the unacceptable. I am a woman with the courage to carry on and fight for others. This one shirt represents everything that I want to be and everything that I believe I can become. It doesn't carry invisible memories of Georgie, instead it shows them off to the world. It says that I am a warrior and invites others to join the fight. It links me to some of the most amazing people I have ever had honor of knowing, even when I don't really know them.

My clothes are tainted but my heart remains pure. Sitting around helpless and feeling desperate will change nothing and one shirt isn't going to get me through the winter. It's time to change my clothes. I hope that Mike doesn't mind when I tell him that I have some major shopping to do! : )

Love to you all,

Kristen

4 comments:

  1. Kristen, I can only imagine the memories and reflections that occur for you each and every day. I love the word "empowered". You area fighter, and advocate for Georgia and you do it each and every day with such dignity. Your heart is pure and always will be and I am sure that Mike will say "enjoy the mall!" If you need a partner to shop with, give me a shout....shopping can be theraputic! heehee!
    Have a good night....Be well..
    Lisa :)

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  2. Oh Kristen. this post breaks my heart. I am glad, however, you feel empowered, at least with one shirt. It is a badge of honor, like you said--one that shows what a true warrior you are. Hugs to you, and I hope you can find some good stuff at the mall!

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  3. I can't begin to imagine how hard it is to have those specific memories come flooding back. Although the pain and loss are always something you carry, having specifics flood back at unexpected moments would be so, so hard. I think a shopping trip is essential, and definitely therapeutic...I wish I was there to go with you!

    The shirt you wear that makes you feel empowered is awesome, I am glad you feel like you are "putting it out there", showing people the fight you are fighting and encourages others to join. I hope you realize that you "wear this shirt" each and every day....it is YOU that shows people this, in everything you do, for Georgia, for Calla and Maya and Mike and for all the other families and children suffering through this. You may not always have that literal shirt on, but you are always brave, you are always a warrior and you are always making Georgia and everyone who knows you so proud.

    You amaze me, and I know will continue to do so and I just wanted to remind you again of how awesome you are. You are an inspiration and I know have touched more people that you can imagine with your fighting spirit, your generosity, your thoughtfulness even in your time of need and by just being you. Thanks!

    Hugs, Love Em

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  4. Sweet. Now I know what I'm getting you for Christmas :)
    And the ladies are right, shopping is therapeutic and I would be more then happy to join you as well if you want someone to go with you. All I can say Kristen is that you are amazing and an absolute inspiration to me.
    Melissa

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