Here in the Lucas household we have one lone pet. He is a Siamese Fighter Fish that sits up on the shelf above our television. He is actually a beautiful fish, mostly red with some dark blue. When I bought the fish I was told that he should live for close to a year. Sometimes I question myself but I know that we bought him the winter that I was pregnant with Maya. That makes him over 3 years old! Do you know how odd that is to me? I have a fish older than my almost 3 year old daughter. I have a fish that has lived 3 times longer than his average life expectancy and a child that barely lasted 6 months. I don't hold it against him but I do admit that I sometimes stare at him and wonder what I did right by him and wrong by Georgie. I know that I have done nothing wrong by Georgia but I can't help but wonder. I've never even named him.
My fish is getting old however. When I cleaned out his bowl the other day I noticed that he had bits of food not eaten. I've never seen that before. I was also able to catch him in the net on the first try. That has never happened. Deapite having lost a child I still found myself a little bit sad for my silly fish. He is magestic in his own way and yet I know that he is now dying.
I don't remember ever showing Georgie the fish. I'm pretty sure that I cleaned his bowl while she was sleeping or playing on the floor and his bowl sits quite high up. I feel kind of bad now. I know that she probably would have loved watching him. When he dies I don't think that I'll get another one, at least not anytime soon. I am the only person who ever pays any attention to him. Most people don't even notice him and the girls rarely ask about him.
As I have been sitting here writing this post I have been asking myself why. I guess that I wanted to share the idea that I actually find peace staring at this silly fish. He is a constant in my life who asks only for food once or twice a day and to have his home cleaned once in a while. When I watch him or think about him I start to ask myself many questions about life and death. The most obvious being, "How come you get to live so long and Georgia had to go?"
I know in my heart of hearts that I will never know all of the answers, at least not here and my fish certainly isn't going to provide them. For the time being however, my fish is a source of wonder.
Love to you all,
8 Years an Angel
2 weeks ago