Welcome to Georgia's Journey

Georgia Lily Lucas was born at home on October 6th, 2008 4:15am, in Winnipeg, Manitoba. She was diagnosed with SMA (Spinal Muscular Atrophy) on April 1, 2009.

On April 3rd Georgia was taken home, to be near her sisters and the rest of her family and friends. Nearly three weeks later, on April 21, 2009, she died peacefully -- in the loving arms of her mother and in the same room in which she was born.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

My Fish

Here in the Lucas household we have one lone pet. He is a Siamese Fighter Fish that sits up on the shelf above our television. He is actually a beautiful fish, mostly red with some dark blue. When I bought the fish I was told that he should live for close to a year. Sometimes I question myself but I know that we bought him the winter that I was pregnant with Maya. That makes him over 3 years old! Do you know how odd that is to me? I have a fish older than my almost 3 year old daughter. I have a fish that has lived 3 times longer than his average life expectancy and a child that barely lasted 6 months. I don't hold it against him but I do admit that I sometimes stare at him and wonder what I did right by him and wrong by Georgie. I know that I have done nothing wrong by Georgia but I can't help but wonder. I've never even named him.

My fish is getting old however. When I cleaned out his bowl the other day I noticed that he had bits of food not eaten. I've never seen that before. I was also able to catch him in the net on the first try. That has never happened. Deapite having lost a child I still found myself a little bit sad for my silly fish. He is magestic in his own way and yet I know that he is now dying.

I don't remember ever showing Georgie the fish. I'm pretty sure that I cleaned his bowl while she was sleeping or playing on the floor and his bowl sits quite high up. I feel kind of bad now. I know that she probably would have loved watching him. When he dies I don't think that I'll get another one, at least not anytime soon. I am the only person who ever pays any attention to him. Most people don't even notice him and the girls rarely ask about him.

As I have been sitting here writing this post I have been asking myself why. I guess that I wanted to share the idea that I actually find peace staring at this silly fish. He is a constant in my life who asks only for food once or twice a day and to have his home cleaned once in a while. When I watch him or think about him I start to ask myself many questions about life and death. The most obvious being, "How come you get to live so long and Georgia had to go?"

I know in my heart of hearts that I will never know all of the answers, at least not here and my fish certainly isn't going to provide them. For the time being however, my fish is a source of wonder.

Love to you all,

Kristen

3 comments:

  1. Hey Kristen!! Hope your feeling better! Let me know when your up to getting together and we can work something out.

    Candace

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  2. The questions you are asking are ones we have all been asking, as you have, on this whole journey. I wish there was some way to provide you of those answers, sadly, there isn't. I am glad your fish has given you a sense of peace, and no, I don't think it is silly that you are sad to see him getting weaker. I think anytime you see something getting weak it will bring back a lot of memories/feelings and even though you feel them all the time, it brings the raw emotion to the forefront once again.

    I am glad you know you didn't do anything wrong by Georgia, but I know you will have those thoughts-it is a natural mommy/parent thought, even when you know it has no real merit. As I have always said you were such a wonderful voice for Georgia, you stood up for her and spoke for her when she couldn't herself. I wish I knew why you were on this journey, and of course I ultimately wish you weren't, but we are here....always and although I know that doesn't really help or ease your pain, I hope it gives you some comfort.
    Hugs, Em

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  3. How my heart aches when i read your words.
    You watched your beautiful little angel fight for all she was worth and you had no control over the out come, and now your watching your beautiful fighting fish doing the same thing and you still have no control. You feel helpless, what can i do? what could i do? The answer is you have done and given all you can, your little angel had loving arms and a loving heart that tended her every need and gave her comfort and protection and anything else she needed. Your fish has been cared for, fed clean, tended too. It`s in no way comparable to your feelings for Georgie but the same basic things are happening.

    There will always be something to remind you of your loss and how much pain it brings,but please remember your tremendous love for your little girl and if grieving over your fish helps you then go ahead, grieve. There`s nothing wrong with that.

    Love you Kristen

    Carol

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