Welcome to Georgia's Journey

Georgia Lily Lucas was born at home on October 6th, 2008 4:15am, in Winnipeg, Manitoba. She was diagnosed with SMA (Spinal Muscular Atrophy) on April 1, 2009.

On April 3rd Georgia was taken home, to be near her sisters and the rest of her family and friends. Nearly three weeks later, on April 21, 2009, she died peacefully -- in the loving arms of her mother and in the same room in which she was born.

Monday, February 20, 2012

Happy

Tomorrow is my birthday. Three years ago I felt like celebrating. I snuck away in the afternoon to get my hair done -to feel pampered. We invited a few friends over for dinner. I drank wine. I laughed...a lot. I had no idea that my life was about to experience a tragic turn of events. I was blissfully naive. I was happy!

Fast forward 3 years. Tomorrow is my birthday and I feel like celebrating. No, I won't be sneaking away to be pampered or hanging out with friends. I may have a glass of wine and I really hope that I laugh but I am giving myself a gift this year. It's called forgiveness.

I made peace with losing Georgia some time ago but I haven't quite made peace with myself. Last February I was fighting depression and so jumped on a treadmill. I have often found peace while running but it has always been short lived. Recently, I decided to just start forgiving myself. That way if there is no treadmill nearby and the snowbanks are piled high I can still find it.

Since Georgia died I often find myself feeling overwhelmed by the supidest things - the kitchen sink has dishes in it, we're going to be two minutes late, the van is dirty, supper wasn't started on time, I didn't exercise etc. You'd think having lost a child that I wouldn't sweat the small stuff and that I could put things into perspective. Instead the opposite has happened. If I feel like I am losing control I start to feel angry and upset. I even find myself worrying about what others may be thinking. Stupid!

While I did not make it a New Year's resolution, I have been taking more deep breaths since Christmas. I am continually reminding myself that somethings really don't matter. My van has been dirty for a couple of weeks now and I know that eventually it will get washed! If I don't get all of the laundry folded this morning, it will still be waiting for me this afternoon. If I choose to take some time for myself, my kids will be just fine. In fact, they're so much better behaved when I come home! LOL

It's hard to find true happiness after experiencing a loss. Even while you experience joy you always feel like something is missing. Sometimes you feel guilty for feeling happy. Forgiving yourself means understanding that you can be cheerful, ecstatic, delighted etc without loving the person you have lost any less. I have always known that Georgia knew this, it has just taken me a while to accept it myself. Maybe, I'm a little slow. : )

So, this year I am giving myself a gift and I am proud to say that I am once again happy!

Love to you all,

Kristen

5 comments:

  1. We are so very happy to hear that you are HAPPY and deservedly so! This is a wonderful birthday gift you are giving yourself and your family, Kristen. We love you and wish nothing but the best and lots of happiness for you. Have a wonderfully Happy Birthday, Kristen.

    Hugs, loves, best wishes, and lots of happiness to you, Kristen!
    Gordon and Auntie Carol (Kelowna, BC)

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  2. Beautifully written as always. Thank you for sharing this part of your journey too. Sending love and happy birthday wishes your way.

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  3. Happy Birthday my friend...

    I think Georgia would be happy for you too <3

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  4. Happy Birthday Kristen! I hope your day was full of laughs and fun! I think we all have that little voice in our heads saying "what are people thinking?" (at least I do) It takes me a great deal of effort everyday to not sweat the small stuff, and I must say it gets a little bit easier every week... but I still think magically someone can see my laundry room and what would they think! LOL! Happy Birthday!

    Vanessa

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