Welcome to Georgia's Journey

Georgia Lily Lucas was born at home on October 6th, 2008 4:15am, in Winnipeg, Manitoba. She was diagnosed with SMA (Spinal Muscular Atrophy) on April 1, 2009.

On April 3rd Georgia was taken home, to be near her sisters and the rest of her family and friends. Nearly three weeks later, on April 21, 2009, she died peacefully -- in the loving arms of her mother and in the same room in which she was born.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

The Truck

When a parent receives a terminal diagnosis for their child, you may as well hit them with a truck...literally. All of the air seems to leave your body and you are left disoriented and hurting. The diagnosis is just that however, a word, a prediction of what will probably happen. A parent will most likely take some deep breaths shake off the disorientation and keep moving. Their child needs them and so they step up to the plate.

When your child takes their last breath however the truck hits you again. This time it slams you right in the chest leaving you struggling to breathe and wondering why you would even want to. Your body seems to ache all over and you have a hard time deciphering what is real. Everything seems surreal, as if you are truly walking in a nightmare. You just want to wake up and live happily ever after.

Peeling yourself off of the pavement is no easy task. Oh sure, you can read books about it, talk to experts and even take meds. It still isn't easy. It can take weeks, months even years. There is no timeline. It took me a long time to peel myself up off the pavement, to become a mother and wife again. As the weeks went on, I found myself seeing clearly. Breathing didn't hurt so badly and I knew all of the reasons that I wanted to keep it up.

I have accepted the loss of my daughter. I have learned to smile when I talk about her instead of crying my eyes out. I have found ways to keep her memory alive. I consider myself a better person since losing her but... I still get hit.

You see. Once you have lost a child, you can peel yourself off the pavement but you can't get off the road. The truck just keeps coming. As time goes by, you can start to expect it at certain times and prepare yourself. But there are still days, moments where the air is suddenly sucked right out of your body and your heart aches terribly.

I choose not to avoid the truck. I let it hit me. Sometimes I even welcome it, help it along. It reminds me that I am alive - that I am only a human. While I put on a smile and explore the world with my three surviving daughters, I am forever a mother that has lost a child.

Love to you all,

Kristen


6 comments:

  1. hugs hugs and more hugs to you, sweetie. I have a great admiration for the fact that you are letting the truck come, instead of avoiding it in the bottom of a bottle or something else...as so many would. I hope I have your kind of courage.

    Hugs.

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  2. Hugs! I always love reading what you have to say about this road of grief we both are on. It is hard and ugly sometimes but dealing with it and letting the truck come has been some of the best therapy I have had!

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  3. Oh Kristen, I love your ability with words and that you express yourself in such an honest way. My heart ached for you while reading this post and I want you to know I am sending you lots of love from afar.

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  4. Once again, thank you for sharing your heart, your journey. I know you are helping so many who are travelling the 'same' path but also those of us who try our best to walk along, to help the best we can while not truly ever understanding. You are incredible and there are so many of us so proud of who you are, and who you are becoming because of this journey-Georgia especially! Love and hugs, Em

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  5. Kristen, You have once again overwhelmed me with your honesty, sensitivity, and thoughtful choice of words in truly painting a picture of what you feel, what this disease does to the heart...what I feel. Thank you for being so honest. Sending you hugs always and admiration for the beautiful mother that you are.

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  6. yup.

    you never know what will trigger it and you're doing what you need to do to be a whole person. praying God's grace to cover you, Lisa

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