The last couple of days have been a time of reflection. If I asked some of you what you could accomplish in 6 months I bet that you could come up with some pretty fantastic ideas. I haven't accomplished anything fantastic since losing Georgia but I have learned quite a bit.
For example, I have learned that I'm not a half bad writer. People actually read this blog sometimes because they want to hear what I've written. I'm not sure if it's the topic or the way that I write. It really doesn't matter, it's just something that I have learned about myself.
I have come to believe that I will truly see an end to the disease that stole the life of my daughter. Not only will I live to witness it but I will be able to say that I worked alongside countless others to make it happen. When people ask me if we have had the girls tested (as carriers) I always reply in the negative. It will be their choice but I really believe that it will never be necessary. SMA will no longer exist when they are of child bearing age.
People sometimes ask me how I am doing? They ask me if it gets any better? In the six months since losing Georgia I can tell you that the pain is no longer a sharp, take your breath away kind of pain. It has become a constant dull pain that still occasionally takes my breath away. It now allows me to be happy but it has stolen my ability to become excited. It lets me enjoy my children's laughter but it also leaves me craving silence.
In the 6 months since losing Georgia I have learned that I will live the rest of my life with a broken heart. Dont' get me wrong, I do believe that one day it will be healed. My reality however is that it won't be healed until I have breathed my last breath and my heart has stopped beating.
Calla and Maya still talk about their baby sister all of the time. They make reference to missing her and we all say good night to her every night. When Calla draws pictures of her family there are always 5 people. This tells me that in 6 months I have done something right. Despite having a child die 6 months ago all of our members remain intact. Despite not being able to see one of us we remain a unified whole.
In the 6 months since losing Georgia I have learned that the only way to live is to open ourselves up to all that life has to offer, even when it's awful. For all of us that chose to live in our perfect little worlds where children don't die and everybody is always happy, we aren't truly living. We are only pretending.
Love to you all,
8 Years an Angel
2 weeks ago