Bracelets

To all of my friends and family here in Canada and most especially Winnipeg, my friend Tanya has been working with the Gwendolyn Strong Foundation and has a special offer for all of our Canadian friends. As many of you know Tanya was the one who made and gave the girls and I three very beautiful and personal charm bracelets in memory of Georgia. She has now been making them as part of a fundraiser for the Gwendolyn Strong Foundation. Now all of us up here can't get the tax receipt but you could still help out and receive a beautiful bracelet in the process.

Tanya is offering to have a bracelet made for you for $45.00 Canadian. This includes 9 personal charms of your choosing. They can be birthstones, initials, photos, whatever you can think of. You will also receive an End SMA charm as part of the fundraiser. It obviously doesn't have to be a memorial bracelet like mine. Please check it out here This is a great opportunity to purchase a beautiful gift and help the fight against SMA. The deadline was actually this past weekend but has been extended for our Canadian and Winnipeg purchasers.

I should say that people almost always notice mine and ask about it. For me, it is often a great opportunity to tell people Georgia's story or about SMA. For you it might be just the chance to show off pictures of your kids or tell them a little bit about yourself.

Love to you all,

Kristen

Busy Days

A few people have mentioned that they have been checking in daily to see if Aria has arrived. Nope... and she doesn't seem to be planning on it anytime soon. : ) My due date is the 28th so that leaves approximately 12 days until then. Calla was born at 38 weeks (so now in other words) and Maya and Georgia were born pretty much right on. Maya was one day past and Georgia was actually born on her due date. I promise that Mike will update as soon as she is born. In the meantime we have been staying pretty busy.

After two weeks of cool and wet weather it seems that summer may actually be arriving. We have spent the last few days working on the yard. All of the planters are filled with flowers and part of the flower bed is also finished. Today, Mike with the help of some friends planted a new tree in Georgia's part of the garden. The other tree had been killed by the rabbit. I am hoping that by tomorrow I will have planted all of flowers and replaced the stepping stones that we made last year in her memory. The lilies that I planted last year are all coming up again. I didn't even know that they were perennials! Duh!

I am hoping to get all of the vegetable seeds in this week too. I have been finding that everything is taking a lot more time this year as I have a big belly in the way and I am quite tired in the afternoons. The rabbit is back again as well. Mike blocked one of his entrances and he simply dug another one. This winter he managed to destroy most of my lilac and I'm pretty sure that he has killed my weigela. The girls think he is so cute every time they spot him and all I can think about is what kind of damage he is doing.

This week we also marked an important milestone. Maya completed her 3 year old preschool program. It was so great to hear how her teachers have really enjoyed watching her change over this past year. The funny part of it is that Maya keeps asking when she gets to go back!! She was really enjoying it this past month. : )

Besides doing up the yard, our coming week is a bit quieter. The week after however the girls have their dress rehearsal and then two separate dance recitals. The baby is of course due that week as well. I am really hoping that she chooses to make an appearance a few days before then or waits until after the recitals. They are so fun to watch and this year Maya is dancing for the first time. I promise to post pictures! : )

Love to you all,

Kristen

Happy Mother's Day

The last couple of years have brought a new somewhat unconditional tradition to the Lucas family...the carnival. Every year our community centre has a carnival on Mother's Day weekend. Two years ago we took Calla and Maya for the first time. We were surprised by how much they enjoyed all of the rides. Even Maya, who wasn't yet two was excited to try all of the kiddie rides with her big sister. Two years ago I walked around with the weight of Georgia in my belly, with hopes and dreams of 3 healthy children, picturing carnivals to come running in different directions as the idea of 3 seemed busy to me.

Last year, we made our way to the carnival yet again (less than two weeks after the funeral). The weight of Georgia had been torn from my belly and arms forever, replaced by something even heavier...grief. Somehow, I survived last Mother's Day by watching Calla and Maya smile and laugh as they went on ride after ride. I was amazed by the respect friends and acquaintances showed us by quietly keeping their distance and approaching only when we somehow communicated with them that it was okay. The day was bittersweet as I realized that despite the staggering grief I was experiencing, I was still amazingly blessed.

This year we won't be going to the Carnival today as we went yesterday because the girls have dance pictures this afternoon. It may as well have been Mother's day for me though. This year I still carried the weight of grief around with me, something that I think I will live with forever, but I also carried around the weight of yet another child. I watched my daughters run from ride to ride, this time with friends. This year our friends and acquaintances didn't feel the need to keep their distance. Rather, we were met by smile after smile and lots of hugs. We ended up at the Carnival for hours and while I admit that I was feeling quite exhausted it was a day filled with joy. We walked away having run into dozens people that we knew, and making some new friends along the way.

I have been fortunate enough to be recognized as a mother from the day that Calla was born. Last year, despite the fact that Georgie had died even complete strangers recognized me as a mother. That isn't always the case for some of our friends that have lost their only child. Please remember them today as well as our friends that have lost their mothers, as you send your messages.

On a funny note, Maya came into my room this morning and said, "Happy Mother's Day mommy. You don't have to do anything today!" Thanks Lovie!

Happy Mothers Day to all of the moms out there!

Love to you all,

Kristen

Little Mother Hen

When Georgia was born Maya jumped right into the role of being 'big sister'. She was always fascinated by babies and loved to help out as much as she could. She gave up her naps immediately following Georgia's arrival because she was so afraid that she was going to miss something. She loved to help change her diapers and give her a bath. She even loved to carry around her baby dolls and loved all of the accessories that came with them, from bouncy chairs to bottles. Calla has always loved being a big sister too, but she has never been quite as interested in babies. She loves to interact with them for a while but then she is off to play.

Maya was our Little Mother Hen from the time that she could walk. Still a baby, she wanted to hold babies almost as big as her. She was also always concerned about their well being, running to tell an adult if she thought something bad was about to happen. Then...Georgia died. Looking back now I didn't even realize all of the changes that my girls exhibited. While Calla would often ask about why others had babies and we didn't, Maya just simply shut down when she was around them. Both of the girls ignored any babies for the most part acting almost like they didn't exist.

Times have changed. Last Sunday my cousin came into town with her twins (9 months). Little Mother Hen was back in full force. Maya was concerned when they were crying, fascinated when they were being changed and fed, worried when they crawled a little bit too far, and thrilled when I placed one of them in her arms. She talked about them on the way home and the next day. She has asked when she will see them next and continues to refer to them. When I took her out the other morning she was fascinated by a baby in a stroller, trying to get a better look and wondering if if was a girl or a boy.

Both of the girls now think that it's hilarious when they feel the baby move or even funnier if they see her move. They both like to cuddle up to my big belly and wait for her to kick them in the hand or the face. : ) Maya looked at me the other day and said, "Mom, when is that baby ever going to come out of you? " Soon Maya.

I had been worried that a new baby might throw our Maya for yet another loop. I have been worried that if she doesn't get enough of my attention she is going turn into herself again and lose that spunk. Every once in a while I have asked myself if we should have waited just a little bit longer. Now, I see that Maya will continue to thrive and grow and learn just like she did when we had Georgie with us. We now await our fourth gift with nothing but excitement. Life truly is filled with abundance.

Thank you for sharing Jonathan and Sydney with us Kylie. You'll never know how a few hours has changed our Maya yet again.

Love to you all,

Kirsten

Updates

As many of you know a while back I joined Facebook. While I find the world of Facebook to be somewhat overwhelming it has allowed me to connect with people that I haven't seen in years, join and support causes (most of which are SMA related) and laugh at all of the amusing antics of everyday lives of so many people. I find it a lot harder to keep up with all that is going on with Facebook compared to my quiet life of blogging but I do keep trying and have to admit that I am often inspired by all of the wonderful things that are going on in the world of SMA.

If you want to feel inspired check out the link on the right hand side, under my blog list and read about Stephen Taylor. He is going to run 100 miles in honor of his friend Owen who passed away from SMA at the age of 23 months. 100 miles - Amazing! Thanks for helping to raise awareness Stephen. We look forward to seeing you reach your goal.

Remember the charm bracelet that my friend Tanya made for me. It has beautiful pictures of Georgia and the girls as well as many other personal touches. Well, she has now teamed up with The Gwendolyn Strong Foundation and you can purchase your very own personal bracelet and help SMA in the process. With your purchase you would get one charm about SMA and the rest would be your choice. All of the details can be found under the Gwendolyn Strong Foundation on the Strong's website.

The Gwendolyn Strong Foundation also has a few other ways that you can help support by shopping! Through Beb-e-ssentials you can order very cute and affordable butterfly hair clips or you can purchase one of their very cute hats. Just click on the Gwendolyn's site and then scroll down categories until you find the Gwendolyn Strong Foundation. All of the information is there. We are looking forward to some clips and a baby hat for our new arrival.

Lastly, for those of you following on Facebook you may remember that through the Pepsi Refresh project we all voted and won $250 000 for GSF. There are two other SMA related charities up this month and you can help by simply clicking once, well make that twice a day now through the end of the month. Remember, that the research claims that SMA will be cured in 5-10 years if enough money is granted. Check out my Facebook page if you're unsure about how to make this happen.

We've had to put the lemonade stand on hold for a while. Anybody living here in Winnipeg knows why. It has been raining since last Thursday and the weather is really quite cool, almost cold. If it keeps up for much longer Aria may be hanging out at the stand too! : )

That's it for now. Thank you to all of you that continue to support us through reading, sharing, voting etc. We would not have survived this last year without all of you.

Love to you all,

Kristen

One Year Later

One year ago we were still in the process of planning a final good-bye for our Georgie. She would be laid to rest on Monday the 27th. How we survived this time last year is still a bit of a mystery to me. Some of my memories are crystal clear and some seem foggy, of course even my mind was foggy at the time.

I feel like we have come a long way in one year. The girls are now thriving again. In the beginning, Calla preferred to play pretend games where she was some type of aggressor, usually a cat. She would occasionally lash out physically at Maya or sulk quietly and angrily. The girls' games often revolved around death. This was painful to watch and to hear but as we have moved forward the anger and play around death seems to have dissipated.

Calla started her school year quietly. We were concerned that she wouldn't be happy and would feel insecure. Thanks to an amazing teacher Calla loves school and continues to learn new things every day. She seems to have many friends and gets along with almost everybody. Her self confidence is also returning. While Calla has always been our cautious child we have been so excited to watch her master the monkey bars and just this weekend ride down the block on two wheels! No more training wheels! : )

It's in Maya that we have seen even more changes. Our once spunky and outgoing little girl retreated into herself after Georgia died. She was afraid to try new things and be away from me. She started throwing temper tantrums and didn't sleep through the night for months. School has been an excruciating experience for the both of us this year. She never wanted to go and would often cry as I left her. When I picked her up sometimes she would be quick to tell me about all of the things that she had refused to do and how she had had no fun. This was her way of punishing me for leaving her.

Since Christmas the changes in Maya have been astonishing. As many of you know she finally started sleeping through the night again. In the last couple of months we have seen more smiles, and heard more laughter out of her than all year. We now have a deal about school. I drop her off and if she isn't happy after craft time I will come and pick her up. So far, she has been happy to be dropped off and is participating again. She has also started singing to herself again. Something that I can't get enough of. Maya is starting to make some new friends and has even gone on some play dates without me. My little shadow is slowly is slowly pulling away from me. : ) Our spunky little girl has been returned to us.

One year later and in many ways I am doing the same things. I am still at home with the girls. I am just starting to get the garden ready again and am planning a second fundraiser in October. I gave up the running over a month ago due to all of the Braxton Hicks but am looking forward to getting back into it after the arrival of Aria. We are slowly getting ready for her but I do admit that I am a procrastinator and there is still a lot to be done in the next month. One year later, and while I don't believe that one gets over the loss of a child, I have made peace with most of what has happened. There is no anger left in me, only a sad kind of acceptance that this is the life that I am meant to lead.

As I look back over the last year I have no regrets. I think that that is one of the very big reasons that I have made peace with what has happened to Georgia. Because she remains such a huge part of my life all of my decisions take her and what she has taught me into account. The choices are simple enough, to live well with the gifts that I have been given or to let anger and bitterness overcome me. To make decisions that take into consideration the lives of others or to serve my own sense of righteousness. The choices remain simple enough but making the right decision every time is the hard part. Forgiving myself has also been part of the healing.

One year later and I would still give every last breath of my own to know that Georgie had a chance. That is not the life that I have been granted however, so I choose to accept and move forward as much as I can. If I could do it with half as much energy as the girls I would be way better off! : )

Love to you all,

Kristen

Remembering Georgia

Thank you to all of you that have sent messages via email, facebook, telephone, etc. To those of you that lit candles, let go of balloons bought some lilies or simply took a moment to sit quietly we are truly grateful. In the end, we had a great couple of days away.

We headed south once more, just to Grand Forks, the same place that we escaped to after the funeral last year. We spent our 48 hours swimming, hanging out, eating and yes, cashing in on the great deals thanks to a strong dollar. While I know that this doesn't exactly sound like a quiet time for reflection it was the perfect way for us to enjoy some time as a family. As most of you know, since losing Georgia we have worked even harder to make our family time a top priority. The girls had a blast going down the water slides over and over and over again. Even 'Big Mama' hung out in the Lazy River and took in a couple of slides the last morning. There was lots of laughter and very few tears.

On Wednesday night at dinner we raised our glasses and toasted our Georgie and our growing family. While Maya is still too young to understand what an anniversary is, Calla has no trouble grasping the concept. She can even tell us what she was doing last year on the day that Georgia died. We have also had our digital picture frame playing the slide show from the funeral last year for the last couple of weeks. It has allowed all of us our own private moments to sit and watch some of our favorite times with Georgia. We will now slowly start adding new pictures but plan on keeping the digital photos focused on Georgia so that the girls will continue to have at least some clear memories.

In the end, we know that we did well because we all returned home not just having survived a painful anniversary but having thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. Maya started crying because she didn't want to leave and even last night at supper time asked if we could go back. We have promised the girls the we will take them back some time after Aria arrives. Maya immediately said that she can't wait to take her down the waterslide! : ) Prepare yourself baby! You have a couple of big sisters waiting to show you what life is all about!

While we continue to miss our Georgia Lily every day, we also continue to remember all that she has taught us. In one year we have come a long way and are committed to the idea of living well, always honoring the memory of such a precious life.

Love to you all,

Kristen

Georgia

We brought Georgia home on April 3rd and of course she passed away on April 21st. We wish to thank all of the people that have surrounded us with support and compassion this past year. The journey that we have travelled has not been easy and yet we remain strong. Please do not feel bad for us or take pity on us. I have said it many times before and will continue to say it, Georgia was a gift, a most beautiful and precious gift. It was a priveledge to have carried her for nine months and an honour to have cared for her for another six. As a special someone once told me, "A short life is no less meaningful than a long one." Indeed, Georgia's short life has had a huge impact on so many and we hope that you will continue to remember her.

We won't be here on Wednesday as we are coccooning ourselves once more. We love all of the support but the awkward pauses and pitying looks are just as uncomfortable for us as they are for you. So we are taking off, just the four of us, hoping to have a wonderful family day. I hope that for those of you that have been touched by Georgia's story that you will take a moment to reflect not just on Georgia but also on the many lessons that we can learn from her life and her death.

I have uploaded several pictures tonight that some of you may or may not have seen before. They are all dated last April and I hope will serve as a reminder for all of the joy that one can encounter in the most difficult of circumstances. Enjoy.

Love to you all,

Kristen

PS A few people have asked about the cemetary and the grave is clearly marked. It is back behind the pond and off to the left if you are looking at it.

Choosing a Name

With approximately 6 weeks to go we thought that it was about time to let everyone in on the name we have chosen for our little girl. It was actually a lot harder than we thought. We wanted to make sure that the name ended in 'a' like the other 3, we wanted it to be rather short like the other 3 and we wanted it to have a nice meaning.

We have always loved the name Evangeline and thought that it would be such an appropriate name for our little girl as it means 'bearer of good news'. When we said all four names however, Calla, Maya, Georgia and Evangeline, it just didn't sound right. Someone suggested Evangelina but then it just seemed so much longer than the other 3. If you shorten Evangeline to Eva it means 'life' or to Lena it means 'warrior'. I admit that I love both of these and we did consider these names for quite some time. For whatever reason it still wasn't sitting. I'd look at the ultrasound picture and just know that she wasn't any of these names.

Mike and I went back to our list and then back to the baby name book thinking that perhaps Evangeline would be a middle name. Sometime in January I came across the name Aria. Aria means 'melody or song'. It actually wasn't my favorite name at that point but I did love the meaning. Mike decided immediately that this was the name for our daughter. I still wasn't convinced and kept staring at our list playing with the names and looking at the ultrasound picture.

That was until one night I had a dream that I was walking to school with a happy little toddler. She was about 3 years old and had pig tails in her hair. I knew that we were going to pick up Calla and Maya and that this was the daughter that we have been waiting for. It was such a happy dream and in it I called this little girl Aria. So that settled it.

We are happily awaiting the arrival of Aria Evangeline. Our little 'song of good news'.

It is important to us that Aria understands that we considered her name for a long time and that we have chosen one that reflects how we feel about her. We never want her to believe that she was born as some type of replacement for Georgia or that she was some kind of accident. She is just one more gift that we have been granted and we are starting to get excited about meeting her.

The girls have been calling her Aria for a couple of months now but every once in a while they'll say, "What happens if she's a boy?"

Stay tuned! : )

Love to you all,

Kristen

Mike!

Today is Mike's birthday! He kind of gets the shaft when it comes to this blog. It has become my online journal and tends to focus mostly on the girls and me. I actually do this intentionally as I try to respect his privacy. He does have full access to the blog and will occasionally write or comment as many of you know but he doesn't seem to feel the need to write like I do. I could sit here today and write about what a hard day today was last year or even how we're struggling with our grief today but instead I think that I'll share some of the reasons that the girls and I think that he is fabulous.

Here in the Lucas household we haven't bought a loaf of bread since January. Why? Because my amazing husband jumped on the idea of trying a little bit harder (our new year's resolution) and started baking it. No, he doesn't use a bread maker. He prefers to make a few loaves at a time so that we always have bread when we need it. He has even started making his own 'starter' and makes sour dough. He also makes sourdough pancakes. I know that they don't sound very good but they are actually delicious! He also makes pizza from scratch almost every weekend. : )

Mike is also famous in our family for eating or at least trying just about anything. Remember that old commercial about Mikey? Well that's our Mike! He hates food going to waste.

As a father, Mike spends more time playing with his girls than many men I know. He loves all of the imaginative play and while he does try to keep some of his maculinity, "How about I be a prince?", he will still play the princess when his girls insist.

When Mike found out that we were expecting a girl during our second pregnancy he cried. Not because he wanted a boy, but because he was so thrilled that Calla would get to grow up with a sister. In fact, Mike has never bought into the idea of wanting a boy. He considers each one of our girls a blessing. Wanting a boy has had nothing to do with us having 4 children. Loving family live remains the only reason.

Mike is a brilliant problem solver and an amazingly patient husband and father. He works hard so that I can stay at home and continue to raise our daughters. He never complains about the food that I cook or the toys on the floor. He is trust worthy and unbelievably loyal. He can also be very silly, a side that not many people get to see unless he is with the girls. He makes us laugh pretty much every day. He is gentle and compassionate, kind and loving. We think that he's the best!

Happy Birthday Mike!

Love to you all,

Kristen