One Year Later

One year ago we were still in the process of planning a final good-bye for our Georgie. She would be laid to rest on Monday the 27th. How we survived this time last year is still a bit of a mystery to me. Some of my memories are crystal clear and some seem foggy, of course even my mind was foggy at the time.

I feel like we have come a long way in one year. The girls are now thriving again. In the beginning, Calla preferred to play pretend games where she was some type of aggressor, usually a cat. She would occasionally lash out physically at Maya or sulk quietly and angrily. The girls' games often revolved around death. This was painful to watch and to hear but as we have moved forward the anger and play around death seems to have dissipated.

Calla started her school year quietly. We were concerned that she wouldn't be happy and would feel insecure. Thanks to an amazing teacher Calla loves school and continues to learn new things every day. She seems to have many friends and gets along with almost everybody. Her self confidence is also returning. While Calla has always been our cautious child we have been so excited to watch her master the monkey bars and just this weekend ride down the block on two wheels! No more training wheels! : )

It's in Maya that we have seen even more changes. Our once spunky and outgoing little girl retreated into herself after Georgia died. She was afraid to try new things and be away from me. She started throwing temper tantrums and didn't sleep through the night for months. School has been an excruciating experience for the both of us this year. She never wanted to go and would often cry as I left her. When I picked her up sometimes she would be quick to tell me about all of the things that she had refused to do and how she had had no fun. This was her way of punishing me for leaving her.

Since Christmas the changes in Maya have been astonishing. As many of you know she finally started sleeping through the night again. In the last couple of months we have seen more smiles, and heard more laughter out of her than all year. We now have a deal about school. I drop her off and if she isn't happy after craft time I will come and pick her up. So far, she has been happy to be dropped off and is participating again. She has also started singing to herself again. Something that I can't get enough of. Maya is starting to make some new friends and has even gone on some play dates without me. My little shadow is slowly is slowly pulling away from me. : ) Our spunky little girl has been returned to us.

One year later and in many ways I am doing the same things. I am still at home with the girls. I am just starting to get the garden ready again and am planning a second fundraiser in October. I gave up the running over a month ago due to all of the Braxton Hicks but am looking forward to getting back into it after the arrival of Aria. We are slowly getting ready for her but I do admit that I am a procrastinator and there is still a lot to be done in the next month. One year later, and while I don't believe that one gets over the loss of a child, I have made peace with most of what has happened. There is no anger left in me, only a sad kind of acceptance that this is the life that I am meant to lead.

As I look back over the last year I have no regrets. I think that that is one of the very big reasons that I have made peace with what has happened to Georgia. Because she remains such a huge part of my life all of my decisions take her and what she has taught me into account. The choices are simple enough, to live well with the gifts that I have been given or to let anger and bitterness overcome me. To make decisions that take into consideration the lives of others or to serve my own sense of righteousness. The choices remain simple enough but making the right decision every time is the hard part. Forgiving myself has also been part of the healing.

One year later and I would still give every last breath of my own to know that Georgie had a chance. That is not the life that I have been granted however, so I choose to accept and move forward as much as I can. If I could do it with half as much energy as the girls I would be way better off! : )

Love to you all,

Kristen