Walk On

Every once in a while somebody will send me a message thanking me for sharing my grief so publicly. They'll often send me notes expressing how nice it is for someone to say what so many of us are feeling and thinking but don't usually share. This got me to thinking about why that is. Why is it so shameful to openly grieve in our society? Why are so many of us uncomfortable not just with the idea of death but with the idea of publicly demonstrating how much it hurts when we lose someone we love? Don't get me wrong, I am not any better with it.

I'm sure that many of you that have read this blog from day one feel like I have expressed my feelings openly but the truth is that my posts are often edited for audience purposes. Meaning, that I'll often write exactly how I am feeling, then realize that it's too raw and start tweaking it so that it doesn't sound as harsh. I haven't done this in a long time but in the beginning I did it a lot.

Most people won't see me cry when talking about Georgia. This isn't because it doesn't happen but because even I am uncomfortable crying in front of others...even though my child died. I have actually stood stoically by as some of my friends have cried. That could just be a personality thing but I think that our society plays a part in it too.

I am no better than anyone else when it comes to comforting someone that is hurting. I often struggle for words and am afraid that I'll say the wrong thing. I do know however, that often the best thing to do is just to be quiet and listen. Yes. Shutting up is often the best approach!! : )

For those of you that wonder I still struggle every day. Deep breaths, running, writing, praying, singing, playing etc. All of these things help but some days can be really long, especially at this time of year. Tonight on the treadmill as I was running and waiting for that high I played a song that is guaranteed to bring it. The lyrics to Walk On often move me even when I feel stuck. I never have enough breath to sing the words (that and I can't sing AT ALL) but I will try to say them aloud as I run. The power of song is amazing! So for all of you still hurting, find a song that moves you, that lifts you up, that makes you feel something, ANYTHING and walk on.

And if the darkness is to keep us apart
And if the daylight feels like it's a long way off
And if your glass heart should crack
And for a second you turn back
Oh no, be strong

Walk on, walk on
What you got they can’t steal it
No they can’t even feel it
Walk on, walk on...
Stay safe tonight

............

And I know it aches
And your heart it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on, walk on

U2 - All That You Can't Leave Behind

Love to you all,

Kristen

Tired

I haven't been feeling much like writing lately. Mostly because I am just tired. Not tired of writing or anything like that. Just plain physically exhausted, doggone tired. Aria spent the first four months of her life sleeping like a champ but the last few months she has started waking more and more often. There have been nights in the last few weeks where we have been up ten times or more. I don't really want to complain or look for sympathy here. I know how blessed I am to have a beautiful happy baby and I know that it is EASY to wake up and tend to a healthy one.

When Georgie was sick I lived on very little sleep. I knew that her time here was limited and so I spent every second I could with her. When I did sleep I was constantly aware of the hum of the oxygen, the beeps of the bipap and kangaroo pump etc. If she made the tiniest little peep I would jump up and make sure that she was okay. I was in a constant state of adrenaline. Sleep was an escape when it actually happened. The worst part however, was that upon waking I always realized that my life was actually the nightmare and there was no escaping it.

Mike and I will both admit that Aria is totally spoiled with love. The girls and us cannot get enough of her. She almost never cries because there is always somebody there ready to see to her needs including at night. Waking up with Aria however, has started to wear on me. I wake up exhausted and have very little energy. The cold weather doesn't help much either. I have had had thrush so many times that I have lost count - always when I am super tired. I hardly ever feel like running because if I do have the time I just want to lie down.

Back in September as we started spending less time outside Aria started fighting her naps. She seemed to always be awake. I could lay her down awake and she would play, fuss, cry in her bed for over an hour. Sometimes she would fall asleep for 5-20 minutes and then she would be up and ready to play. There was nothing I could do to get her back to sleep, including leaving her alone. Sometimes she would fall asleep in the car or while I was nursing her but that never lasted longer than 40 minutes. Eventually, this lead to more nighttime waking.

Now Aria is my fourth child and I have read many books on how to get babies to sleep. Calla didn't sleep at all for the the first 6 months of her life. Poor little thing was always crying. Remember Shannon? Eventually, I managed to start getting her to sleep and she remains a great sleeper to this day. Maya went through a phase of wakefulness but we survived that too. Aria is just different. They're all different!

The last few nights with Aria have been better and I am hoping that we are on the upswing. I can handle getting up once or twice a night but any more than that leaves me feeling less than adequate. We have just started getting back into a regular routine with Calla and Maya so hopefully I can help Aria to find one that works for everyone. She remains a happy and active baby. I can't believe how much she has grown and how much she can do. So again, I don't really want to complain or look for sympathy. I am just tired...

Love to you all,

Kristen

PS As I am writing this Aria is pulling on my netbook cord with all her might! : )