Day by Day

Apparently the geese didn't like my comments in the last post because yesterday they decided to be the first to greet me as I pulled into the cemetary. There they were with a whole trail of brand new little goslings trailing behind. The way they looked at me and turned their backs as they went about their business had me laugh out loud. I will try not to insult them again! : )

Our lives continue day by day, often moment by moment. I still am not able to commit to anything, my mood is as unpredictable as the weather. I have gone to the gym a few times now and that does seem to help during the "angry" moments. I continue to go to the cemetary regulary although I haven't gone today. The weather is just so nasty. It's actually snowing right now!

We have been told that we will have an answer to Mike's appeal by next Friday, so much for 5 business days! We are trying to take it all in stride. For the most part Mike and I tag team the girls. When he is feeling really down I try to keep them occupied and vice versa. The girls seem to be doing quite well. They will continue going to their activities for another week before everything starts to wrap up for the summer. Sleep seems to be our biggest issue. We all end up playing musical beds everynight as the girls are often up. Calla has even started sleep walking. I just keep telling myself that it's all part of the process.

Love to you all ,

Kristen

Birds in the Rain

Just before lunch today I opened one of our back curtains that had been left closed. It was pouring rain as I looked out into the backyard. It actually took a couple of moments for my eyes to adjust to what they were seeing. There were at least a dozen sparrows hopping around in one corner of the yard. My friend the robin was out there too but s/he was off on their own. Now, I'm sure that it isn't unusual to see a bunch a birds in a springtime downpour but it was slightly unusual for us. Besides the grass and one tree there is nothing in our backyard for the birds. Our tree isn't even budding yet. I even went up to the girls' room so that I could see everybody else's yards. No birds there!

Dr. Mike once told us that he knows a family that believes that their deceased loved one often sends the birds. As he was telling us that I was thinking about how I have seen more birds since Georgia's passing then I have ever seen in my life. Every time that I visit Georgia's gravesite I am always greeted by at least one bird and I'm not referring to those noisy geese. : ) The best was the hawk that circled silently overhead for what seemed like ages. Now, there are many plausible explanations for this but I like that family's idea. Feel free to call me crazy. I accept craziness just like I accept my grief. In fact, I don't believe that anyone can lose a child without taking on at least a little bit of craziness.

Thank you to my friend Victoria Strong who made up a flyer about SMA with Georgie's pictures on it. Victoria is Gwendolyn's mom and for those of you who don't know she and her husband are the people who started the petition. You can learn more about them at www.gwendolynstrong.com If anyone would like a copy of the flyer please let us know and I will email it to you.

Love to you all,

Kristen

Failure

It has been three weeks since I watched my baby take her last breath. During those last few moments I remember silently willing her to continue breathing. I would gladly have given every last breath in my body just to know that she would have had a chance. But that wasn't to be. Instead I am left here, left to mourn and to continue on even when I don't want to or feel like it.

Grieving is a brutal process. It knocks you down into pits of darkness only to let you grasp your way back up to the top and find that you are still surrounded by darkness. Occasionally, you catch a glimpse of light but it never seems to last for very long and it's never very bright. It is enough however to sometimes offer hope. Even the tiniest bit of hope can keep someone going. As you stumble through this journey called grief you find yourself thrown back into that pit over and over only to begin climbling again.

The light comes in many forms, sometimes a silly story from a two year old or the laughter of a 5 year old. Other times it is a message from a friend or that silly robin that loves to wake me up in the morning. Most often however, it is the memory of a baby fighting until the end. That memory forces me up and out of that hole, because if I can't continue fighting then I have failed her. Failing Georgia would leave me without hope and so I continue on.

Please keep forwarding the petition on. Failing Georgia is not an option.

Love to you all,

Kristen

Forget-Me-Not

I have avoided writing the last few days as my ability to focus has gone downhill along with my mood. One of the reasons for this is that Mike's request for stress leave was denied despite the doctor saying that he definitely needs some more time. A registered letter arrived Wednesday morning telling him that he is to report back to work next week or no longer be paid. I guess that burying your daughter isn't stressful enough for his company to give someone time. Needless to say I was so angry that I could have spit! Mike became a stressed out mess not sure of even how to proceed. With the help and guidance of some friends he has decided to appeal. We'll see what happens!

On a more positive note the lovely staff at Lacoste's Garden Centre have set us up with someone to come and help design the backyard, the most important part being Georgie's garden. I know that some of you wonder how I spend my time. Sometimes I find myself driving down St Mary's heading out to the garden centres. I actually find peace there. There is nobody to bug you and you are surrounded by thousands of beautiful flowers. On Sunday, Maya and I were there walking the aisles. I had just finished telling her that we weren't going to buy anything when we both started admiring these tiny pink flowers. I actually had no idea what they were until I read the tag. Forget-Me-Nots. So, Maya and I marched back out to get a cart and threw a few in.

I know that many of you have been expecting to see me and yet I still find it hard to go out. I am still seeking solitude. I have some almost good days and some really bad days at this point. I only answer the phone when I feel like talking and I rarely call people back. Forgive me but this is where I'm at. So far, I have managed to take the girls to gymnastics on Monday, that was an almost good day. I have left the other activities to others or left them alone completely. If you have emailed me and I haven't emailed back it's because I often find it hard to concentrate, not because I don't appreciate your messages.

Thank you Candace for the Ellen t-shirt. The message on the front seems amazingly appropriate and I will wear it with pride. Thank you Kimmy for your amazing fundraising and the tree planting ideas. It will be a great day! Thank you again Victoria. Stay strong!

Love to you all,

Kristen

Georgia on my Mind

In my last post I didn't thank all of you for visiting Georgia's grave. I know that there were quite a lot of you that went and that continue going. I think that it's fabulous that you feel connected to our sweet little girl. Kim, please tell Jesse that I absolutely love his flower in the ziploc bag and with his permission would like to keep the rock so that some of Georgia's other little friends may leave her pictures too. What a brilliant idea!

I have many more thank yous today. Thank you to Peggy Glassco, owner and head coach of Gymkyds for the fundraiser for Children's Hospital in Georgia's memory. Thank you to my mom who is having the SMA petition site posted in her church bulletin and hopefully the Great West Life newsletter. Thank you to my dear friend Krista for spreading the message to hundreds of nurses here in Canada and thousands in the U.S. Thank you to Dr. Darrin for allowing us to post something in his office and his own ideas for fundraising in Georgia's name.

My next plan includes hitting the pavement. There's nothing like old fashioned footwork (pretty sure that's how Erin Brokovich worked). I am going to start going door to door, introducing myself and simply asking them to sign the petition. I'm going to take it slow but plan on hitting most of Island Lakes in time. In my opinion, the petition is not being signed fast enough. Door to door may seem slower but I believe it hits home when you have to look a grieving mother in the eyes. The same mother that takes her children to the local park and goes for walks around the neighborhood. How do you say no?

Thank you to all of you that continue to leave messages or email privately. I hadn't listened to Georgia (the song) in a long time and just listened to it 3 times as I've been sitting here writing. It's very soothing.

Love to you all,

Kristen

Balloons

Glen captured these pictures of the balloon release from Georgia's funeral last Monday. (he actually created this draft post the same day ... shame on me for not releasing it sooner!)

Getting ready ...

And away they go !

A legion of angels !

One last balloon hung around in a tree ... Funny story, there were actually three hanging around (purple, yellow/white, and pink). While they were all still there, Kristen's aunt turned to her and said, "Watch, I bet the other two will go and the pink one will stay just a little longer." And it did.

Thank you to everyone who took part and especially to all those who brought their children on Monday. We realize the funeral was not an easy thing to attend let alone to bring kids, but the presence of little ones lifted our spirits and made the day a lot more bearable.

- Mike (with Glen)

Reading

So, I have this book. It's actually quite a good book, thank you Emma! It's written in point form with no more than 2-3 small paragraphs on a page. This is perfect for a grieving parent because sometimes a paragraph is all that I am able to grasp before I have moved on to other thoughts. In this book, it says a parent should move toward their grief. I get the concept but I am starting to wonder if the author has any idea what s/he is talking about. How does one walk towards something that comes at you from all angles? How do you walk towards something that has already overcome you? I have no problem with letting it overcome me. I accept my grief as I have always accepted my happiness. It is now part of who I am. Maybe this is what the author meant to say. Or, perhaps s/he should have phrased the idea in the negative "Don't try to run from your grief." This makes more sense to me.

This book also has lots of ideas about ways to continue moving forward and gives all kinds of advice about what is normal. Apprently and as sick as it sounds, I do death well. It talks about listening to music, whether is makes you happy or drags you right back down into the pit of despair. Check! It talks about going to the cemetary regulary to try to find peace. Check! It talks about giving yourself time away from social situations and asking friends and family for patience. Check! It talks about just getting away for a while if one feels the need. Check! I hope that you are picking up on my sarcasm.

We went to Grand Forks for a couple of days. I would love to regale my female readers with tales of amazing bargains but the truth of the matter is that I wasn't into the shopping. My book says nothing about what to do when you find yourself looking at baby girl clothes and wishing that you had a baby to put into them. Nor does it say anything about staring at maternity clothes and wondering why that baby isn't still here. It doesn't offer any advice on learning how to laugh with your children as they go flying down waterslides or yell "Where's my supper?" in the middle of the restaurant before we had even ordered. Guess who that was?! : )

I did enjoy the quiet ride down the back country highways. There aren't any trucks allowed and there was next to no traffic. I have never seen so many birds in my life and we saw lots of deer too. In fact, there was a doe standing on the edge of the highway at one point, her big eyes seemed to be staring at us. Mike started to break, afraid that the beautiful creature would dart in front of the van. Instead she stood there until we had passed and then hopped back into the woods seemingly without a care in the world.

And so, my book seems to be lacking in some areas but I think that I am okay with that. I figure that if I can still see beauty in the world I am still moving forward.

Love to you all,

Kristen

solitude

I went to Georgia's grave site today. I was alone at home and found myself being drawn to the place. I laid a single stargazer lily in the soil that now marks her final resting place. I had Roy Orbison's In Dreams blasting from the windows in the car. I don't know how long I sat there, long after the song was done at least. I've always loved cemetaries. I am one of those strange people that find them restful places. I used to play in one overseas when I would visit my aunt. My childhood memories remind me of a magical place with trees and a creek where we would catch frogs. I used to take time walking amongst the graves reading the tombstones. I always thought that they were beautiful and I would try to imagine the people and their lives. My images were based solely on their ages and the few lines that were sometimes inscribed. Funny, that I never really thought about the people that were left behind. I can only blame it on the fact that I was but a child.

I guess that I must have found some peace there today because I finally got up off the ground. I am looking forward to seeing the trees start to fill out. They have plans to plant another 200 trees in the area. I like the idea that I will be able to see the trees around Georgie grow over the next several years. I take comfort that she now lies in my final resting place as well. For those of you that wondered, she was placed cross wise at the head of my future grave-site. That's why she is perpendicular to all of the other graves.

To my friends that I normally talk to everyday and see several times a week, I am asking you now for patience. I admit that I am not answering the phone and am not yet returning calls. I have no excuse except to say that I am craving solitude and with a 5 year old and a 2 year old those moments are hard to find.

We are leaving tomorrow for a couple of days away. I am looking forward to the private time with my family but dread the idea of being so far away from home, my home full of Georgia. If anyone is reading this and feels the urge maybe you could go check on Georgie's final resting place It's not hard to find, behind the pond, the small mound of dirt laying parallel to the road. I know that she isn't really there and yet I still take comfort in the idea that someone will check on her.

Love to you all,

Kristen

Service

It's been a long day and I thought that I would have nothing much to say, yet here I am holed up in the office. Thank you to all of you that attended the service today. Thank you to all of you that couldn't make it but kept us in your thoughts and prayers and to all of you near and far that chose to wear pink. Thank you to some of you that have sent private email messages even since the service. These continue to be my lifelines.

I plan on posting the eulogy and the video when I get a chance. There were also quite a few pictures taken and we will try to post some of those as well. We are considering taking off for a few days so if you don't hear from us you know that we have escaped.

I will continue to blog (less often of course) but our journey has only just begun and we are hoping that many of you will join us. I have some thoughts about this that eventually I will share.

The last of the crowd is starting to leave now so I need to go say good bye.

Love to you all,

Kristen

PS To my amazing duo if you are reading this I am thanking you again from the bottom of my heart. Thanks for helping me to walk back in!

Angels Among Us

To all of you attending the service on Monday, one of the songs that will be sung is Angels Among Us. We will be handing out the lyrics in the hopes that everyone will at least join in for the chorus. If you want to familiarize yourself with the song it's pretty easy to find on Youtube. The one video even has the words up on the screen. Come on, the more of you singing means the more voices to drown my dreadful voice!! Think about it! : ) Georgie just loved singing!

Good night, God Bless,

Kristen