A Mother's Job

From the moment a woman knows that she is pregnant (at least under positive circumstances) her body does this amazing job of keeping that baby alive. The baby receives all of the nutrients it needs to grow bigger and stronger from day to day and it remains protected until it is ready to enter the world. If a mother hasn't already figured it out she very quickly realizes that her main job is to keep this amazing little being alive.

In the early days life revolves around making sure that the baby is fed, comfortable and gaining weight. As time goes on we struggle to make sure our little ones are stimulated... that they learn about the world, that they become independent and that with any luck they take with them some of the morals that we've tried to instill. While all of these things are important, the minute that we are hit with a crisis a mother, or a father for that matter realizes that their most important job as a parent is to keep that child safe, in other words to keep that child alive.

So this has been a hard week for me. Georgia not being here to celebrate her first birthday is a reminder that I as her mother have failed. Don't get me wrong I think that I did a lot of things right by her and know that I couldn't stop myself from failing but essentially that is exactly what has happened. I have failed to keep my child alive through no fault of my own. This is something that is very hard to wrap your head around. I'm sure that most of you reading this are thinking about how you are going to write to me and tell me about how I didn't fail. Nobody likes to fail and we all like to think that if we didn't have any control over it then we couldn't have failed. I disagree.

While none of us like the idea of failure, it can often set us down a path that we had never considered. It may save us from even bigger mistakes that we could make down the line. It could change our lives in such a profound way that it could be described as nothing but a gift.

I may have failed to keep my baby alive but I am now following a path that will make me a more compassionate human being. I now have goals that will allow me to say that I will never fail my daughter again. While I would take Georgie back in an instant, it is her arrival and even more so her departure that has been my gift. What happened this past Saturday was only the beginning. It was the laying down of a foundation to building something that will be great and beyond what many of us can imagine. I can now tell you that the final total will be even greater than what I previously estimated! : ) In honoring Georgia's birthday, I have not failed.

"Making your mark on the world is hard. If it were easy, everybody would do it. But it's not. It takes patience, it takes commitment, and it comes with plenty of failure along the way. The real test is not whether you avoid this failure, because you won't. it's whether you let it harden or shame you into inaction, or whether you learn from it; whether you choose to persevere." Barack Obama

Thank you to all of you that sent messages. Thank you to all of you for respecting our need for privacy and quiet as we have gone through this most difficult week. The journey that we are travelling is difficult but we remain grateful to all of you.

Love to you all,

Kristen

Birthday Girl

Happy Birthday Sweet Angel! We miss you so much!

Arrival

I felt the first twinges of labour just after the girls went to bed. I wasn't really surprised. The midwive had said afterall, "Tonight's the night!" After two sleepless nights due to strong contractions I felt ready. I was more than ready. Still, there was absolutely nothing going on as I finished supper at my parents' that night. Around 9:00 the contractions started to become regular and I started to believe my midwife. At some point I sent Mike to bed telling him to try to get at least an hour of sleep.

By 11:00 the fear started to creep in. Despite having done this two times previously my mind had forgotten the pain. With every contraction there was a new sense of panic. "How can I deliver this baby at home? I can't even get through the initial contractions!" "What if the pain becomes too much and I need an epidural?" Ridiculous, looking back. Mike came back down around 11:30 and realized that I was indeed in real labor.

We called the midwife around midnight and she arrived shortly thereafter along with another one shortly after that. By the time they arrived my emotions were under control. My feelings were the only thing that I could control and I had figured out how to do just that. I was calm. In fact, I even told the midwives what time to expect my water to break. I actually walked into my bathroom two contractions before it broke knowing that it was imminent. I told everyone in the room that night that Georgia would be born some time after 4:00.

The pushing took me by surprise. Maya had practically jumped out and I expected Georgie to do just that. This time the baby didn't want to come nearly as fast. I look back now and wonder if The Brave Little Soul was having second thoughts. Did she know that her life would be so short? Did she know that once she left my body and had to start breathing on her own, her days were numbered? Of course, I knew none of this at the time and only wanted her out.

She arrived angrily at 4:15 am on the 6th. I wasn't surprised by her anger because I had been joking for the last several days that she didn't want to come out. She was quite happy where she had been. I now understand why. She was beautiful and perfect. She eventually calmed down and actually ended up being the calmest of our 3 babies.

Eventually the midwives packed up and moved out just before Calla and Maya got out of bed. They walked in just after 7:00 to meet their gorgeous baby sister.

Missing you tonight Georgie.

Love to you all,

Kristen

Georgia's Journey of Hope 2009

I thought that Georgia was going to be born on the third. 3 has always been my lucky number and I thought that it would be appropriate for my third child to be born on October 3rd. I even had contractions bad enough for several hours that we called the midwife. The contractions eventually eased up and spaced out. Georgia would not make her appearance for 3 more days.

It seems appropriate however that something big was meant to happen on the 3rd day of October. Perhaps my sixth sense was just off by a year. Today a community came together. There was no official head count but you definitely showed me that a bigger venue will be at the top of the list for next year! Many of you seemed surprised by the numbers. I can't say that I was. I realized a while back that Georgia's Journey of Hope was going to be bigger than I had originally thought.

When I first booked the hall I marched in telling myself that if I could make $1000.00 that I would be proud of myself. Surely $1000.00 could help make a difference and after all we are still reeling from the loss of Georgia. As preparations got under way the fundraiser seemed to take on an energy all unto itself. Many of you threw yourselves into it as if Georgie had been yours. All of you will never know how much it means to me to know that you continue to love our "Georgie Baby". She was always everyone's baby!

The initial counts taken home from the hall are over $7000.00. This does not include some cash donations as well as ticket and t-shirt money that Mike and I have already collected. Some people still have money to hand in. It will take a few days to get it all sorted by I am estimating we brought in approximately $8000.00!

I don't have a lot of pictures. I am expecting more and will post some of them as I receive them. For now please enjoy these.

This is Kristen. Our balloon maker extrodinare. She sat there for 4 hours doing balloon animals, flowers, hats etc

Here's Ginette painting Maya's face!

Here's my brother Kevin sitting at the Unite for the Cure Table with the amazing chocolate suckers that Tanya made. They say things like 'unite', 'hope' and 'Georgia'.

Here's Mike on the big bouncy slide. The kids loved this thing! Thank goodness that it fit. Thank you Funquest!!

I had an army of volunteers help me make today possible. Please know that I am grateful to each and everyone of you for sharing yourself with me. Thank you as well to all of our amazing sponsors and to all of you that came and had a great time.

At the end of the day as my friend Nat and I sat there alone waiting for the attendant to come and check everything out, a single pink balloon came floating down from the ceiling. It kind of danced around with the air currents as if saying, "Look at me!" I couldn't help but scoop up the one lone balloon and take it home. The signs that my daughter gives me are sometimes so obvious. I'd like to think that this time she was simply saying, "Thank you".

Love to you all,

Kristen

I got a feeling...

I gotta feeling that today’s gonna be a good

that today's gonna be a good day

that todays gonna be a good good day ooh hoo (x4)

Black Eyed Peas

Sing it! You know that you want to.

Love to you all,

Kristen

3...2...1...

We have been working hard the last couple of days getting all of the details worked out for tomorrow. I spent last night and this afternoon helping to organize and wrap the prizes. In the end we have 24 prize packages. I can't believe how many people have donated! It is really overwhelming. Mike's nanny had a beautiful memorial quilt made as one of the prizes. I prefer to call it a hope quilt. It has pink ribbons on it that say things like 'faith' and 'hope'. It is absolutely beautiful. We've also had many people just handing us ticket money without taking tickets claiming that they can't come but still want to support what we're doing. Thank you!

I have no doubt that Georgia's Journey of Hope will be a success. If you live in the area please consider coming. Georgia's Journey is as much about Gwendolyn, Nicholas, Dakin, Sophia and so many others as it is about her. It represents a community of people coming together not just to honor one little girl's birthday but to honor the lives of so many children lost to and living with SMA. It is at its very core love in action.

Love to you all,

Kristen

Tainted

Today it was 0 degrees as the girls and I walked to school. Had we tried to drive the car that was parked on the front street we would have had to scrape off all of the frost. With the change in weather comes a change in wardrobe. Away go the shorts, sandals and sun dresses and out come the long pants, socks and gloves. I have always believed that the clothes one wears can affect the way one feels but I have had quite the shock over the last couple of days.

As I started looking at some of my long sleeve tops and sweaters I was immediately overcome by feelings of helplessness and desperation. One look at my long sleeve purple shirt and I can see the doctor confirming Georgia's SMA diagnosis. As I glanced down at my shoes today, for a few moments I was speed walking through the halls of the hospital in a state of panic instead of leisurely walking through the grocery store with Maya.

I pulled out my gloves this morning but didn't put them on because all I could think of was driving home from the hospital in a snow storm to have dinner with the girls already panicking about how I was going to get back. My clothes are all tainted. They are tainted with the most negative feelings on earth. While these are feelings that I lived and accepted they are not feelings that I wish to carry with me every minute of every day.

I have one t-shirt and when I put it on I am empowered. I am hopeful. I am a mother who has accepted the unacceptable. I am a woman with the courage to carry on and fight for others. This one shirt represents everything that I want to be and everything that I believe I can become. It doesn't carry invisible memories of Georgie, instead it shows them off to the world. It says that I am a warrior and invites others to join the fight. It links me to some of the most amazing people I have ever had honor of knowing, even when I don't really know them.

My clothes are tainted but my heart remains pure. Sitting around helpless and feeling desperate will change nothing and one shirt isn't going to get me through the winter. It's time to change my clothes. I hope that Mike doesn't mind when I tell him that I have some major shopping to do! : )

Love to you all,

Kristen

A Dinner Party

My friend Renelle is an amazingly creative, kind and generous human being. I am only just getting to know her. Her little boy went to school with Calla last year and she is actually married to somebody that I went to high school with but our friendship is rather young. Despite this fact, Renelle is constantly surprising me.

This past Friday Renelle invited a dozen of her girlfriends over for a dinner party. She had volunteered to provide all of the food and had asked her friends to make donations to Unite for the Cure as if they were going out to a restaurant. In the end, some of the others chipped in with food and such but that didn't seem to put a damper on the donations. In the end, this group of women raised $880.00 in one evening! One mother had challenged some of the other mothers to consider donating part of their child tax benefit. The card that we have been given signed by the women who attended the event said this, "A small thing done in great LOVE is a great thing." I couldn't agree with you more ladies!

Thank you Renelle, Melony, Joyce, Thiea, Gerry, Cheryl, Michelle, Jaclyn, Michelle, Nicole, Tricia, Nicole, Tamara, Courtney and Nikki.

Did I mention that Renelle's husband Todd along with his friend Andy (another old friend from high school) built two children's picnic tables for the prize draw on Saturday?! How's that for generosity!

On a side note, for those of you still in denial that Fall is here check out the picture below:

If you look carefully you should see some of the hundreds of geese that were hanging out on our front street this morning.

Love to you all,

Kristen

Cinnamon Buns Changing the World

Yesterday, my friend Krista took 50 of my mom's homemade cinnamon buns and a bunch of awareness ribbons and brought them into her work. She asked $1.50 per cinnamon bun and$1.00 a ribbon. She arrived here yesterday with $174.00 for Unite for the Cure. Wow! Krista told me that the ladies in her office were pretty excited and I'm thinking that they must have been! Thank you so much Krista and all of the men and women who supported our effort. Thanks of course, to my mom who made all of the cinnamon buns from scratch. They will be available at the fundraiser next weekend as well.

One more week! We look forward to seeing you all there!

Love to you all,

Kristen

Coming Together

The last week has been quite tiring but things are definitely coming together for Georgia's Journey of Hope. Ticket sales are quite good and the t-shirt sales have been great. I feel the need to clarify some of the information on the t-shirts. The toddler sizes come in pink and blue. There are also youth and adult sizes in a variety of colors. I have ordered a few more ladies long sleeve tops in chocolate brown because several people have been asking about them. The toddler and youth shirts are being sold for $15, the adult shirts are being sold for $20 while the long sleeve shirts are being sold for $25. All proceeds are being donated to Unite for the Cure.

I haven't been doing much blogging lately as there aren't enough minutes in the day to get everything done. Calla came down with a bad cold a couple of days ago. For someone in perfect health this would be no big deal but she is asthmatic. We spent a lot of the night before last up with her working on her breathing. We avoided the emergency room and today she was feeling much better. The thought of taking her into Emergency actually had me sick to the stomach. It has never been a bad experience with Calla. In the past she has received a ventolin treatment and then we have left. The last time I was there however, I was with Georgia. Watching Calla struggling to breathe has always been difficult but now I find it torture.

I let her go to school today because she did seem significantly better and it was picture day but I had my cell phone next to me at all times. I even debated calling the school at one point to ask how she was. Wow! I really am starting to feel crazy! Did I mention that the school is across the street?! Can't really get much closer!

It has been another long day and despite the fact that there is more fundraising stuff to do and there is a load of laundry waiting to be folded, I think that I may take a break and watch Grey's Anatomy. The PVR is all set up and it is my favorite show! In fact, it's kind of the only show that I really watch. I'm kind of excited now!

Love to you all,

Kristen